To think I've paid a huge price putting career before motherhood

[fertilitybs]

NC for this. I’ve just had my second miscarriage in a row. I’m starting to think, why didn’t I just bite the bullet and do this when my eggs were fresher and I was younger?

I’ve been very career driven and now hate my career and feel like karma is making this happen because ultimately I chose career/money/going out/‘having fun’ etc over motherhood.

I feel awful and am suffering by myself I’ve not told anyone about the miscarriage as I don’t want to worry anyone and no one understands.

I also feel very awkward hearing and seeing other peoples pregnancies which makes me feel like a terrible person but I’m angry. All my life I’ve exercised and taken care of my body and health and have been rewarded in this shit way and some people can smoke and take drugs and their babies are fine.

Sorry for the rant I’m just very confused and wanted to reach out to hear others experiences.

Does anyone else feel they’ve paid a huge price putting their ‘career’ first?

Don't get disheartened, you still have time at 35 and a good career too.

One of my friends had a misscarriage age 20, she was teetotal and anti drugs etc.

It's just shitty luck.

Please do not torture yourself with this line of thought. Whilst it is natural to try and rationalise why this is happening you need to protect yourself. You have no idea of how starting earlier would have worked out, it really is a head fuck you don't need to let in. It really is shit enough to deal with without that.

I had 2 miscarriages before my first. Then another before my second. Unfortunately they are a way of life and horribly common - enough for you to need 3 to have any investigation. It feels like your insides have been ripped out. 35 is still young though and you could easily have 3 by the time you're 40. Be easy on yourself and be healthy but also enjoy life - I had ivf for 2 of mine and alcohol was definitely responsible for the surprise 3rd

I had my first miscarriage at 19 so definitely not an age thing. It’s shit it really is, I’m so sorry you’re going through it xx

I'm so sorry, OP. I know you feel alone in this, but just as you haven't shared with everyone, it's very likely that your friends haven't either. Which is to say it's more common than you think.

As for your career, you have no way of knowing if it might have happened earlier in life. I have a dear friend who put her attention on having children rather than making a career, only to find herself devastated by longterm fertility issues and at least one relatively late miscarriage. She once told me that she found it hard to talk about work with people, as she felt like she was so far behind everyone else and that she had been foolish for not putting energies in a career. (I told her, of course, that she was no fool, just horribly unlucky, and that no one felt like she was a failure.)

Which is to say, these things can be awful in every direction, and the very best thing to do is to be kind to yourself, as much as you can.

Again, I'm so sorry.

I don't think you can say for certain that none of your family or friends have suffered with miscarriage. Lots of women don't talk about them, just like they don't talk about all their health issues.

I am so sorry for your losses. To
Me at 35 you are actually quite young! I had my first baby at 39 and then had two mc. One just before by 40th birthday and then another later.

I totally blamed by age and felt so angry at my ex husband - wasted time in a bad marriage before meeting current husband.

But we managed to have out second child just a few months ago.

Now if your career provides any healthcare - use it. I had private care for my mc which meant being able to see a gynae consultant.

So for now - be a bit irrational and if it helps
To be angry at something do it but then look to the future. We do nearly stopped trying after mc 2 as the pain was so bad but my partner convinced me to try again. So very glad.

Oh OP I was you 20 years ago. Too busy having a career and fun to have kids, and when we started trying it was such a struggle. Took ages to get pregnant, a miscarriage and an ectopic. Then we had IVF and have DS 18 and DD 15.

I feel your pain about other people’s pregnancies, I used to feel an actual physical pain and I was so jealous.

And I remember sitting at my desk at work crying and thinking this wasn’t happening to anyone else and why me and it was so unfair. Then I realised I hadn’t told anyone so it was quite likely others hadn’t either.

Hang on in there OP, you’ve still got lots of time and options. I hope it works out for you

I think we have all been there after a miscarriage. If I had done this, would I have a baby now? If I hadn’t done that, would I still be pregnant?

It is absolutely not your fault but I too had two miscarriages, both at around 11 weeks and felt like I was being punished in some way or had somehow deserved it. You aren’t. As others have said it is just shit luck.

Please don’t blame yourself. I found comfort in statistics. The NHS doesn’t offer research in to miscarriages until you have three in a row which I found so horrific and heartless at the time and begged my GP to help me. But the reason they don’t, which, I discovered when I started to talk openly about it to people I knew, is because to have 2 in a row is actually really common. So common that it is expected your third pregnancy will be healthy and to term, and if it’s not then there is possibly an issue to be investigated and addressed.

Give yourself credit, you’re only 35 and you have a great career. Be kind to yourself. Losing a pregnancy takes it out of you physically and mentally.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

OP, have you come across this article before? I found it very reassuring re age and pregnancy: www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/309374/

My mother had two miscarriages in her early 30s before she had me. I got pregnant at 38 without experiencing a miscarriage.

Don't give up hope!

She was also very shocked as she managed to have four children never an issue. Between her and siblings nine babies have been born not one miscarriage

We have easy to access, accurate pregnancy tests and scans now and we know we’re pregnant very early on in the pregnancy. But our parents generation didn’t have that and could have had a late or heavy period and actually not even known they’d had an early miscarriage.

[quote fertilitybs]@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I'm 35. Thank you it's nice to hear some positive stories.

I haven't told my mum this time around because she was heart broken last time I don't want to upset her again.

She was also very shocked as she managed to have four children never an issue. Between her and siblings nine babies have been born not one miscarriage [/quote]
35 is no age. Your mother and aunt may well have had miscarriages, they had their children at a time when testing wasn’t available as freely as now, and been none the wiser.

I'm your age and I've had 3 miscarriages, they're surprisingly common.

Fingers crossed it will all work out for you soon OP.

Don't blame yourself OP and sorry for your losses in case it helps, I had two miscarriages before having my dcs, also in my 30s. The miscarriage association is supportive and there's a good book by professor Regan which I found helpful.

35! You're a spring chicken, my dear!! Both my SILs had babies in their 40s. XO

And I had 2 miscarriage age 20 and 22 then a very easy, healthy pregnancy at 36.

I’m sorry for your losses, OP.

Don’t beat yourself up- you did absolutely the right thing working hard- women need financial independence, pensions, property etc - these things need paying for.

You’re still so young and all being well have plenty of time. But don’t regret working hard - you need to set yourself up well for the future.

Sorry for your losses.
I'm also very career driven, and didn't seriously focus on TTC until I was 40. Took 7 years and two miscarriages, but finally had beautiful twins at 47.
Now I'm juggling keeping my career with two 1.5 year olds.

Good luck with your next steps, but at 35 you still have time.

My 2nd baby was stillborn when I was 22. I also spent many years regretting having a family so young, losing most of my friends, and not having a career to go back to when my DC were all at school.

I think it's the chicken or the egg situation..... whichever way you do it, you can think was this the right path to take?

I think that when you’re struggling to have a baby you start thinking all kinds of mad shit @fertilitybs, but it’s not real, it’s just your brain trying to rationalise all the feelings.

I struggled to get pregnant with my first at 28 and in my head decided it was because I’d slept around in my late teens and early twenties before I met my husband and was “damaged” inside somehow. Didn’t matter how many times I was told that was nonsense (both by DH and my best friend and a doctor when I was scanned) I had it in my head that I was being punished for being a slut.

Never had a miscarriage but tried for a year for DD1 and thought these mad thoughts every month. I can see now that they were bullshit. And yours are too. 35 is really not old and I know loads of women who’ve had several miscarriages and gone on to have healthy babies. I know it’s easy for me to say, but it’s not “karma” or anything like that. It’s just a common phenomenon that happens to lots of people.

Wishing you lots of love and lots of luck. It’ll happen.

@fertilitybs Oh wow, don't be so mean to yourself. It's not 'karma' for having a good fun life, and putting your career first! And your eggs will not be useless when you are only 35.

Yeah, getting pregnant at 20 is much easier, with less risks, but the amount of risks at 35, is still quite low.

I am sure it will happen for you soon.

@fertilitybs

supportive probably isn't the word for my partner.

He cares but deals with it in different ways. He is very logical and sees emotion as a waste of time doesn't understand me getting upset about something cannot be changed and have no control over and that we just keep trying until it happen.

His mindset is helpful in some ways but sometimes I just want some sympathy.

All I will say though - and I am sorry if this offends you - are you sure your partner is the right one for you? He doesn't sound very supportive.

It may well not only be nothing to do with piroritising your career, but also nothing to do with your fertility at all. Sperm quality has plummeted in the last half century and is linked to increasing risk of miscarriage.

This doesn't help you have children, but I hope it can help you understand you shouldn't be blaming yourself - whatever the cause - since you wouldn't (I hope) blame your partner if it does turn outt o be a sperm issue.

Just to add that I had 2 miscarriages in a row in my late 20s/early 30s. The first was a shock but the second really hit me hard and I felt I would never have a baby. But the next one stuck and I had a second baby a few months ago just before I was 35 so just take some time and don’t give up just yet. It’s just a shitty time right now.

You're not that old fertility. It isn't unusual for people to have a couple of miscarriages, I copied this from an NHS website:

"Among women who know they're pregnant, it's estimated about 1 in 8 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Many more miscarriages happen before a woman is even aware she has become pregnant."

I know loads of people who have miscarried, I have myself but had two children.

What is particularly sad for you is having two in a row but - it may never happen again.

You don't say how far along your pregnancies were but an awful lot of miscarriages occur early on.

I'm sorry your mum is heartbroken but it was worse for you than her.

There is a reason why people are advised not to tell anyone they are pregnant until they've passed the three month mark; it's because so many pregnancies are lost early on. Yes it can and does happen later which is dreadful but far, far less common.

Please relax and enjoy your life. You are at a lovely age right now and enjoying your work which is terribly important. Hopefully soon you will have a little person to share your enjoyment.