To think I've paid a huge price putting career before motherhood

[fertilitybs]

NC for this. I’ve just had my second miscarriage in a row. I’m starting to think, why didn’t I just bite the bullet and do this when my eggs were fresher and I was younger?

I’ve been very career driven and now hate my career and feel like karma is making this happen because ultimately I chose career/money/going out/‘having fun’ etc over motherhood.

I feel awful and am suffering by myself I’ve not told anyone about the miscarriage as I don’t want to worry anyone and no one understands.

I also feel very awkward hearing and seeing other peoples pregnancies which makes me feel like a terrible person but I’m angry. All my life I’ve exercised and taken care of my body and health and have been rewarded in this shit way and some people can smoke and take drugs and their babies are fine.

Sorry for the rant I’m just very confused and wanted to reach out to hear others experiences.

Does anyone else feel they’ve paid a huge price putting their ‘career’ first?

Thank you so much for all of your kind comments. It means a lot to me right now xxx

@TracyBeakerSoYeah I also have overactive thyroid but was told it is in a range where it shouldn't affect fertility but it is still outside optimum levels for pregnancy.

I paid to see private consultant about it who also said it shouldn't be an issue but reading online says differently.

I don't know who to trust anymore in terms of medical advice.

Apologies if you have already done so but have you been in touch with The British Thyroid Foundation?
www.btf-thyroid.org/thyroid-disorders-and-pregnancy

Posted too soon!
They might be able to give you some info/advice or recommend a particular consultant?

Miscarriage here at 30, 2babies at 32 and 34 then 3 more miscarriages until 2 more healthy babies at 41 and 44.

for you OP, it's shit when you don't know many people who have miscarried, but it is so, so 'normal'. More of my friends have miscarried than haven't, and of those, the younger ones took longest to eventually carry to term....so don't lead yourself down a dodgy path making up stories about why, or what could have been, this just IS.

The most worrying thing I've read is your concern about the strength of your marriage if you don't eventually carry to term (and I'm sure you will!). It sounds like you both have a very different approach to coping with this. You wanting to keep it from your Mum loads on more pressure (although appreciate her comments probably aren't helpful if she's not aware of how common miscarriages are). Might it be worth trying to have a couple of sessions with a counsellor with your DH? Not just to help bridge the difference between your need to talk about it and his uber-rational odds based approach; but because rearing children is bloody hard work once they have arrived, and improving how you talk to each other about difficult, emotional and stressful times would be a solid grounding for decades of parenting together!

But no, it's nothing to do with your career, and your age really shouldn't be an huge factor. Be kind to yourself, talk about it, and try not to let the TTC thing consume you if at all possible - even if you need help
from the fertility teams. Staying relaxed & remembering to have fun goes a long way, even while coping with the very real sadness and loss that you're living right now.

Do find out what the services are like locally for you with the recurrent miscarriage clinic. It can vary wildly, but there are other great sources of info. If you want to consider optimal nutrition to improve your chances, this team work within the NHS and privately and cut the hocus pocus from the scientific very nicely, while still accepting the very human feelings multiple miscarriages inevitably bring www.balancefertility.co.uk/grace-dugdale/ good luck!

If you’re on Instagram there’s a brilliant miscarriage/ infertility community, full of support and genuinely informed people.

You get less “relax and it will happen” there.

If you PM me I’m happy to give you a list, otherwise they’re all fairly easy to find.

So sorry to hear OP, one of my friends also had a few miscarriages not knowing she in fact has a blood clotting disorder and needs medication as soon as she falls pregnant. She had to have a few before that was looked into (poor woman), so perhaps talk to your GP and see if you can look into it. Sometimes there is an explanation behind it. Best wishes x

First child at 36 after a late miscarriage; second at 38. I was definitely not the oldest of my friends to have children.

Hi op, I just wanted to offer some hope to you.
My youngest daughter(36) is now pregnant, but she had 3 miscarriages before this. She got a referral to a miscarriage clinic and it was very helpful for her to eliminate possible causes. My elder daughter also had 2 miscarriages when she was quite young still, and went on to have babies.
The clinic also gave her a lot of info about the prevalence of miscarriages. Lots of us have miscarriages before we even realise we are pregnant apparently. I wonder how many of my heavy painful periods were not periods at all!
Anyway I just wanted to say it’s not too late and please don’t beat yourself up. We can only do what seems right for us at the time. What we want changes as do our circumstances. Sometimes we also fly off into the unknown, that’s also human!good luck!xxxx

I had my first at 35 after 18 months of fertility problems (I was on the point of giving up when I discovered I was pregnant) and my second just before my 40th birthday. I have a number of friends who have also had babies in their late 30s and early 40s.

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Sending you a big fat hug.

To 'put the shoe on the other foot', I had my daughter when I was 25, gave up a career I barely started because doing both was crushing my mental/physical health. I've now had to retrain in a career that suits mum life (and that I'll enjoy) which has meant I'm on £4.30ph doing an apprenticeship in my early 30s. I kick myself thinking about how I didn't set myself up better before motherhood because financially, life is tough!

@fertilitybs

Thank you so much for all of your kind comments. It means a lot to me right now xxx

@TracyBeakerSoYeah I also have overactive thyroid but was told it is in a range where it shouldn't affect fertility but it is still outside optimum levels for pregnancy.

I paid to see private consultant about it who also said it shouldn't be an issue but reading online says differently.

I don't know who to trust anymore in terms of medical advice.

I would fire the consultant, take second and third opinions, and will essentially meet an endocrinologist who specialises in thyroid issues.

I am so sorry OP
I had 2 miscarriages before going on to have my 2 Dds at 33 and 35 after 13 years of infertility . You will be fine l am sure. I remember feeling exactly the same , l felt a complete failure .

Have you looked at Functional Medicine @fertilitybs? They can help with womens health. Can carry out tests and create a bespoke diet. I used this service when I had hormone issues

So sorry for your losses. Please don't bet yourself up about this. We all wonder "what if" about the choices we have made. I gave up a good well paid job in my 20's to have dc. I am now in my late 30's now and feel stuck in job that's not paid anywhere near as well, with no opportunity for progression, because it fits around the dc. Miscarriage is a lot more common at any age than you think, it's just rarely discussed. It's quite common for women to have children in their late 30's, don't give up hope.

I think the general theme from this thread is that women and to an extent men although I think it's less impact (not in all cases but most), we can have it all - just not at the same time.

And sometimes the timing we choose can have varying degrees of impact on our choices.

Just to say there is no rhyme reason or fairness when it comes to fertility, and a lot of luck of the drawer.
The odds are you will have a healthy baby, and at your age if it is important to you it’s worth being pushy and taking charge of it- fertility investigations / checking out the thryoid.

FWIW I had first at 35 with IVF- am very healthy but unexplained infertility. Nothing fair about it.
Second naturally at 36 and 3rd wth IVF at 40. Glad I pushed investigations early.
Wishing you all the best

I'm sorry for your miscarriages, but please believe that it's not your fault.
If it makes you feel better, my mother had her first child (me) at 39 and she had her third at 47. Unusual, but possible.

I’m 34 and feel exactly the same OP, genuinely beginning to think it’ll never happen at this point. I’ve considered having a fertility check, but don’t think I could handle the finality of knowing if I can’t have children.

Ah @Blossomtoes I’m so sorry.

💐

You probably know more people than you think who have miscarried. It's often a difficult thing to discuss.
Women of your mum's age often didn't pick up on early miscarriages either as pregnancy tests were less available and less sensitive. They just though they were having late periods.

@fertilitybs

Please please don't beat yourself up, nothing you have done, nor your choices have made any difference to this.

I had 6 MCs, three were nasty mmcs. One was before my first son, then 5 in a short period of time before my second son. Both boys are extremely healthy! I was 37 when I had my youngest.

I also came across some quite unhelpful attitudes, especially from family, they just didn't understand and constantly said the wrong thing. It didn't help and I understand how that can get you down.

I ended up going to Tommy's and taking part in one of their trials. I was part of the control group so didn't receive treatment as such but I absolutely put my second son down to the level of care I got there. Please please look them up, they are currently campaigning to allow people to have medical investigation after one MC rather than 3. They are amazing.

It is so so common, the more I talked about it to people the more I heard others had been through the same. It damn near broke me at the time of the 3rd MMC and we'd nearly given up.

It's not your fault. You are not too old. Your choices didn't lead to this. It's sadly very common. There is good help out there.

Big hugs

@fertilitybs

I think the general theme from this thread is that women and to an extent men although I think it's less impact (not in all cases but most), we can have it all - just not at the same time.

And sometimes the timing we choose can have varying degrees of impact on our choices.

I'd disagree, actually. The overwhelming thought is that these things happen to all of us at random points in our lives and despite good health, regardless of our profession, age, often with no apparent reason. Sometimes because mother nature makes an error and sadly baby cannot develop. Other times we don't know. In about 50% of the cases you might know subject to investigations and some relatively small changes can be made to help out.

It's really about biology, not about being philosophical about it. I disagree you can't have it all at the same time - you can and you will. What you need is a lot of grit and resilience and speaking from experience sometimes I really had to pour from empty and it's really hard. Don't choose to beat yourself up - you have enough on your plate, build yourself up instead. Look how many of us get it - and we're all sharing this with you because we were/are in that same difficult place and there is nothing you've done wrong. We all said things that are 100% true to lift you up and you got to keep going, girl. You will get through this and have your beautiful baby ❤ xx

@PurplePansy05 thank you so much x

When I said we can't have it all at the same time I was referring to children and pushing career. I noticed throughout the thread for every person that said they put off kids until after their career was built there were people that decided to have kids first and found that also difficult.

So whatever decision people make something had to be on hold I believe. Either the career or the motherhood

I don't see it as anything being on hold, you get on with life whatever it deals you, most people TTC and build up their careers simultaneously, especially if TTC takes longer, you don't exactly have much of a choice I suppose and you juggle both together and hope for the best. There's nothing wrong with that and things will fall into place. xx