To think I've paid a huge price putting career before motherhood

[fertilitybs]

NC for this. I’ve just had my second miscarriage in a row. I’m starting to think, why didn’t I just bite the bullet and do this when my eggs were fresher and I was younger?

I’ve been very career driven and now hate my career and feel like karma is making this happen because ultimately I chose career/money/going out/‘having fun’ etc over motherhood.

I feel awful and am suffering by myself I’ve not told anyone about the miscarriage as I don’t want to worry anyone and no one understands.

I also feel very awkward hearing and seeing other peoples pregnancies which makes me feel like a terrible person but I’m angry. All my life I’ve exercised and taken care of my body and health and have been rewarded in this shit way and some people can smoke and take drugs and their babies are fine.

Sorry for the rant I’m just very confused and wanted to reach out to hear others experiences.

Does anyone else feel they’ve paid a huge price putting their ‘career’ first?

Hi OP. I'm 36 and when I was 25 (just 2 weeks after my wedding) I was told I wasn't ovulating and wouldn't be able to have children without help etc. I also weighed 14st at the time and was told it was because of my weight.

I then split with exdh when I was 29 and met now dh and fell pregnant without any help whatsoever at 31. I weighed 11 stone at the time.

Then April 2020 I was 14st again and fell pregnant again without help however that was a miscarriage at 11wks. I then fell pregnant again in August 2020 and again 14st and without help. Result of that pregnancy is currently 9wks old and looking for a bottle.

Clearly there was a problem with exdh but he told me that he'd been told he was okay so I'll never know if he was telling the truth or not.

Both pregnancies last year I was 35. Many of my friends have also just had their first or second babies and also I have many that don't have any children yet.

You certainly haven't left it too late and I'm so sorry about your losses and wish you the best of luck

@Nancydrawn I have just booked an appointment x

You are definitely not alone, and miscarriage can happen at any age.
I suffered 3 miscarriages before having my beautiful daughter who is 9 next week. I was 27-29 at the time, and had my DD just before I turned 30. Xx

OP, you say you feel particularly unlucky because none of your close family and friends have had a miscarriage. Has it occurred to you that maybe some of them have been through the same as you and, like you, decided not to tell anyone about it? Miscarriages are more common than people think, but are rarely talked about.

At 35, you're still young when it comes to chances of pregnancy. Stressing out never helps conception though.

Relax and have fun. Good luck!

Miscarriages happen a lot. I left it late because of career and bad partner choices, lost two and now have healthy child. I thought it wasn’t going to happen and thought about adoption. It isn’t a given but definitely possible. Most of my friends seem to have had miscarriages at varying ages. Hard work though as you start to feel a bit older physically.

Sorry for your losses. I had my wonderful daughter at 43 via donor egg IVF (after several failed own egg IVF cycles, and before that trying to get pregnant naturally for two years.) For me it wasn’t because of my career that I had a child so late in life, it was because I didn’t meet the right man until I was 38. We started trying for a baby at 40, and after six months we had fertility tests done and I was told by my doctor that we were very unlikely to get pregnant using my own eggs, in fact, less than 5% chance. I know some women the same age as me who had no problem getting pregnant naturally at 40! My point is every woman is different, so it’s best to get fertility checks done (hormone blood tests and follicle scans) so you know what the situation is - when you feel ready of course. It might all be fine, as others have said, miscarriage doesn’t always happen because of age.

And just to reassure you, even though she isn’t my genetic child, I love my daughter so much, I wouldn’t change her for the world and I am so happy to be her mum. Perhaps I wouldn’t have originally chosen for things to work out the way they did, but I really do feel it happened this way because she was meant to be my daughter! Wishing you strength and hope.

I had 3 miscarriages around your age OP. No apparent rhyme or reason. Of course though I wanted to know why and being told in all likelihood pregnancy will be successful next time just didnt seem good enough, I really wanted a reason this had happened. I remember being distraught that the consultant was so dismissive. However he was right and I fell pregnant for DD 4 months later.
It’s a very emotional and stressful time but try to think positive, you are falling pregnant so that’s a good sign.

Sweetheart! Your message resonates so much with me. I too career focused but mainly never met anyone I wanted to have a child with! Fast forward to my late 30s tried for several years with no luck and eventually found I was pregnant but then miscarried on my 40th birthday. Hideous!
Gave up trying then and thought it would never happen. Found out I was pregnant 20 months later and my beautiful girl was born when I was 42 and a half. I think not stressing so much may have made a big difference? ,Don’t give up. Sending lots of love x

So sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately there is still a strong double standard - women often have to choose career or children, men never rely have to - I'm afraid very few women have both and are usually tormented by guilt if they do - sorry, I have no advice - I had a rather feeble career and brought up I child on my own - and was savaged by everyone for both - women can never win

If you can afford it ask your GP to refer you privately to a consultant for a consultation (check your work health insurance if you have it as you might be covered for initial fertility testaments) so you can have your egg reserve levels tested and you might be prescribed clomide. 2 miscarriages although heartbreaking at least prove you can get pregnant naturally. I think you will be fine, keep trying x

Hi I had a miscarriage at 29 a baby at 33, then 2 missed miscarriages in a row (heartbeat heard at both around 8 weeks) so I paid to see a private consultant, had some blood tests, these uncovered a blood clotting disorder (Factor V Lieden). I then paid to see a private haematologist who prescribed baby aspirin and clexane at positive pregnancy test my next pregnancy was fine. I can’t 100% say it was down to blood clotting disorder but it’s worth asking for some blood tests. I was 36 with second live birth child. I wish you all the luck it’s a horrible time.

• Factor v Leiden

How horrendous for you and I am so sorry to hear.

At 47, after putting my career first and resigned to never being a Mum, I fell pregnant and had a very normal pregnancy, birth and gorgeous Dd..

I had many accusations of being ‘selfish’ for being a Mum so late but it just happens when you do it 💕

Please please take the pressure off yourself and realise you can still do this 😇

After many miscarriages, my lovely baby happened so late in life..

Sending best wishes to you xx

Hi OP.
I am sorry to hear you have had a second miscarriage. It is devastating and I hope you have support.

I had my first baby at 36, second at 38 and my third baby at 40.
I had a miscarriage and also lost our second baby to an infection which I had carried throughout my pregnancy. This is another thread all together but I can honestly said when we had out third baby, he was worth all the heartache and emotional turmoil we were going through.
You are 35 and have time to be a mum.

My friend is 50 and her little boy is 6. She was trying for a long time, had mis-carriages and thought she would never get to be a Mother. She read an article in the paper with a clinic in Greece. She ended up having a operation and within 6 months, she was extremely lucky to become pregnant with her little boy. She knew this was her only chance and it worked out for her.
I hope in the future you will have your baby.
Wishing you lots of luck for the future x

So sorry about your loss OP. Miscarriage is an awful physical and emotional experience.
I had a child at 31 without any problems. Then followed three miscarriages. Then couldn’t get pregnant. Eventually, had second child when I was just a few days shy of 37th birthday.
Please be kind to yourself. It isn’t karma for focusing on your career. It’s just biology. Wish you all the very best. 💖

This almost certainly has nothing to do with your age. Many, many women in their 30s and 40s carry successfully. Did you know that almost half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, most of them before the women know that they are pregnant, and many are not recognized as miscarriages...they are thought to be "a really bad period."

Look, no matter which choice you had made, to be a mother or to focus on your career, there would have been a huge price paid. Had you had children early and opted to stay at home with them, you may have been too old to make serious headway in your career with a late start. Had you had them and returned to work, you'd have lost so much precious time with them when they were young. You chose your career, and are wondering if that choice was wise due to miscarriages (and late motherhood, which brings its own issues).

Speak with a really good fertility specialist who can help you evaluate why these miscarriages happened, and work with you to minimize the dangers in the future. Look forward, not back.

And my heart goes out to you. Having had a miscarriage, myself, I know the heartbreak it causes. So many people think, "Oh, but she never knew it, so much easier," but we DO know that child. It lived, and still lives, in our hearts, forever. I am 68 years old, and I imagine my daughter, now 45, happy, with grown children of her own, and grandchildren at my feet. In my heart of hearts, I watched her grow up. It kept me sane. Don't think that you are weird if those thoughts cross your mind as well.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages OP, glad you have booked an appointment with a fertility specialist . it is normal to grieve for your pregnancies that did not progress. Every loss we go through is hard to bear. My Granny had her last baby at 50 so you still have time

I'm so glad to hear it, OP, and I wish you all the very best!

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

How old are you, OP?

If it’s any comfort, my dd also had 2 miscarriages in a row, before going on to have 3 healthy babies at 38, 39 and nearly 43.

Several of her friends of about the same age have been similar.

Oh my gosh

My mum knew someone who got married at 18. Never used contraception. Thought it just wasn’t going to happen for her

Had her first at 41. Second at 43. Third at 44!

Hi Op, try not to worry, I had my first at 32.
I had 3 early miscarriages before my first came along. When he was 8 months old we decided to try for number 2 after the problems we had conceiving first time around. I was pregnant with number 2 after the 4th attempt.

Sorry for your losses, keeping everything crossed for you xx

Try not to get too stressed about it at this point.
I had my first pregnancy at 36, which ended in miscarriage at 13 weeks. But I went on to have three beautiful DC, at 37, 39 and 42. Until I had my miscarriage, I had no idea how common it is, but I do remember wondering if I would ever get to have children - if I had maybe left it too late.
Hang in there and try to relax and let life take its course

I had to let go of a baby with a lethal abnormality ( would have died in womv or straight after birth) , then i had a miscarriage.
Luckily we went on to have 2 healthy children afterwards! I was 34 and 35 when I had my 2 losses. Thenn35 and 37 for my healthy babies.
Keep going! It's shit but it happens!!!!!

I've had a miscarriage and two still births. I'm finally a Mum to two. I had age on my side too. Its the luck of the draw and more common than you think.

I don't think you're paying the price at all. Dont give up. If you want to be a mum so badly, you'll be one. ❤

You can't change the past so just look after yourself now, health wise, have investigations and try again is all you can do.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you and I can understand this distress.

But I have to challenge the narrative that this is somehow "karma" or "payback" for your having focused on your career. Miscarriage isn't punishment for seeking to give yourself a bit of financial security, nor is it necessarily related to age. But as gently as possible, I find the idea that women are beating themselves up about working because they have in their heads that they should have rushed straight into motherhood really toxic, not just for you but for others reading this post.

Working and gaining some financial independence is always a good thing for a woman to do. By not working you wouldn't have made yourself any less likely to miscarry, you would simply have put yourself in a far weaker position financially.

Best of luck for the future, but please don't talk this highly negative game.