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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

345 replies

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 20:55

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

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Needapoodle · 17/07/2021 20:57

She was probably absolutely gutted that she didn't do as well as she hoped. Doesn't excuse the rudeness but when you know you and your team have fucked up, maybe she wasnt ready to have her mum talking about what went wrong. Sleep on it and have a chat with her in the morning and ask her to apologise for the way she spoke to you.

Cherrysoup · 17/07/2021 20:58

Best punishment in the world, ban her from the yard. Painful for you as you’ll need to do all the chores, but she can bugger off talking to you like that when you are funding her having the horse, no doubt.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:00

@Needapoodle

She was probably absolutely gutted that she didn't do as well as she hoped. Doesn't excuse the rudeness but when you know you and your team have fucked up, maybe she wasnt ready to have her mum talking about what went wrong. Sleep on it and have a chat with her in the morning and ask her to apologise for the way she spoke to you.
I wasn't talking to her, another girl had been eliminated and we didn't know why so I was gathering info before going to the organiser and asking why.
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Ozanj · 17/07/2021 21:00

If she’s not doing well and is being actively rude then is it time to cut her out of the team?

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:01

@Cherrysoup

Best punishment in the world, ban her from the yard. Painful for you as you’ll need to do all the chores, but she can bugger off talking to you like that when you are funding her having the horse, no doubt.
Yes! I have grey hair and no nice clothes as it all goes on funding her horses.

I'm so upset about dh

I called him a fucking prick Shock I have literally never said that in my life.

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Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:02

@Ozanj

If she’s not doing well and is being actively rude then is it time to cut her out of the team?
Absolutely.
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Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2021 21:02

I agree with sleep in it. Tomorrow, hopefully dd can apologise and so can your dh.

Sorry, it's horrible when our kids or partners don't appreciate us.

BakedTattie · 17/07/2021 21:03

Poo picking duty for the foreseeable, for sure.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:05

@Italiangreyhound

I agree with sleep in it. Tomorrow, hopefully dd can apologise and so can your dh.

Sorry, it's horrible when our kids or partners don't appreciate us.

Yeah you are right.

Dh has been horrible throughout this.for som reason. I actually really enjoyed organising it because the other kids and their ponies are sweet. And so was dd. Dh has been really negative since the start, saying noone cared, why was I bothering etc

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Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:06

@BakedTattie

Poo picking duty for the foreseeable, for sure.
Yep not a bad idea.
OP posts:
Kralia · 17/07/2021 21:06

Blimey, sell the horses for one incident of rudeness? That would be a bonkers overreaction - the very fact you suggested it as a possible option, even to dismiss it, tells me that you are not thinking with a very cool head here. She was upset. She didn't behave very well but she's 15 and had a huge disappointment, and was probably embarrassed at having her mum take any part in it. You need to sleep on it and discuss it when both your heads have cooled! Reactive punishment is not going to be your friend here.

Ratalie · 17/07/2021 21:06

Yes! I have grey hair and no nice clothes as it all goes on funding her horses.

But one minute ago...

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

I'm getting over-involved, pushy-parent vibes. Is that also the gist of what your DH is saying?

QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 21:06

Attitude is as equally important as Training and Performance.

Would she have behaved like this to the Coach/Trainer if they were not her Parent? No...

YANBU 🌸

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:07

@Ratalie

Yes! I have grey hair and no nice clothes as it all goes on funding her horses.

But one minute ago...

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

I'm getting over-involved, pushy-parent vibes. Is that also the gist of what your DH is saying?

I don't understand what you mean. They are animals so need looking after whatever.
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Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:08

@Kralia

Blimey, sell the horses for one incident of rudeness? That would be a bonkers overreaction - the very fact you suggested it as a possible option, even to dismiss it, tells me that you are not thinking with a very cool head here. She was upset. She didn't behave very well but she's 15 and had a huge disappointment, and was probably embarrassed at having her mum take any part in it. You need to sleep on it and discuss it when both your heads have cooled! Reactive punishment is not going to be your friend here.
Yes you are probably right but as the team organiser I did have to get involved. At 15 I thought she'd be old enough to cope but maybe not.
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Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:10

@QueenBee52

Attitude is as equally important as Training and Performance.

Would she have behaved like this to the Coach/Trainer if they were not her Parent? No...

YANBU 🌸

No she wouldn't Shame as it means I'll have to stop and I actually really enjoyed it.
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Wolfiefan · 17/07/2021 21:13

Sounds like she was really rude. Does she see this as “her” thing and resent that you’ve been organising/managing it?
She’s a teen. Parents are mortifying! Grin

Ratalie · 17/07/2021 21:15

I don't understand what you mean. They are animals so need looking after whatever.
Yes but in one breath you paint the horses as a sacrifice you are making for your daughter, and in another you won't entertain being without them because you love and rise them. It sounds like at least as much your interest as hers and that can be a tricky dynamic when it comes to competition.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:15

The back story is that my brother is an alcoholic and has been calling me every day for a month. I've been really stressed over it and trying to help him and this horse thing has been an outlet for me. I think that makes it a hundred times worse that dh has been so randomly horrible.

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QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 21:16

Shame as it means I'll have to stop and I actually really enjoyed it.

please don't do this ... you said yourself you do enjoy it.. reiterate that you will not be spoken to like this whilst dealing with the Team.

Sleep on it OP 🌸

Sooodone · 17/07/2021 21:16

I think the days and months of hardwork, and unpredictability of horses can mean big disappointment on the day if everything doesn’t come together. No excuse for rudeness but just give her some space and talk calmly tomorrow. I remember at her age if I hadn’t done well no matter what my mum said was always the wrong thing!! I’d listen to other people’s parents and be polite, but if my mum spoke up it always seemed to hit a raw nerve....no idea why.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:16

@Wolfiefan

Sounds like she was really rude. Does she see this as “her” thing and resent that you’ve been organising/managing it? She’s a teen. Parents are mortifying! Grin
Yes probably. I won't do it again.

To be fair they wouldn't even have made it to this competition unless someone had organised it, so there's that.

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SirVixofVixHall · 17/07/2021 21:17

I think you have more of a husband problem than a daughter problem. Shockingly rude to your Mum at 15 happens to most of us I imagine, but your husband seems to be undermining you, why ? Is he jealous of you having something that takes up your time and attention ?

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:19

@Sooodone

I think the days and months of hardwork, and unpredictability of horses can mean big disappointment on the day if everything doesn’t come together. No excuse for rudeness but just give her some space and talk calmly tomorrow. I remember at her age if I hadn’t done well no matter what my mum said was always the wrong thing!! I’d listen to other people’s parents and be polite, but if my mum spoke up it always seemed to hit a raw nerve....no idea why.
And I totally get that.

But this conversation had nothing to do with her, it was another girl who had done something silly but I was talking to her about what had happened and dd just started shouting saying I had no idea, that she knew (she didn't) and the mum and daughter were a bit confused. It was an odd situation

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Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:21

@SirVixofVixHall

I think you have more of a husband problem than a daughter problem. Shockingly rude to your Mum at 15 happens to most of us I imagine, but your husband seems to be undermining you, why ? Is he jealous of you having something that takes up your time and attention ?
Yes I wonder if he might be.

FFS, I'm 55, I just want something that I enjoy! The other parents were so appreciative!

I suspect he was annoyed that dd didn't do that well

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