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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

345 replies

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 20:55

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

OP posts:
Ratalie · 17/07/2021 21:41

No. You are wrong. I ride them to keep them fit for her to compete.

If she wanted to give up tomorrow that would be fine!
In the OP you said you love the horses and would never sell them. You later said how organizing the team has been an outlet for you.

Half the time it sounds like your interest, half the time you paints it as a sacrifice you make for your daughter.

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:41

@TrainspottingWelsh

In the nicest possible way is your experience and input equal to that of a trainer at that level? Because if not I can see why she wouldn't have the same level of respect, even if you weren't her mum and therefore automatically clueless about everything.

Like every rider, I've fucked up. And constructive feedback is always welcome. Someone stating the obvious immediately afterwards makes me rage. Or useless advice from someone that isn't qualified to give it.

Apologies if that isn't the case, and you were just wrong and embarrassing simply because you're her mum. It was usually non horsey dp that felt the need to offer his state the obvious feedback so I got to play the good guy and escape the teenager nominated role of embarrassing, clueless parent.

Don't apologise. I'm absolutely not a trainer. They have one but she's utterly uncommitted but she didn't come

I'm literally an organiser, send in th teams, talk to the people who run it, pick up the dressage sheets etc

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:43

@Ratalie

No. You are wrong. I ride them to keep them fit for her to compete.

If she wanted to give up tomorrow that would be fine!
In the OP you said you love the horses and would never sell them. You later said how organizing the team has been an outlet for you.

Half the time it sounds like your interest, half the time you paints it as a sacrifice you make for your daughter.

She does the riding, I volunteered to organise something. If she hated riding I'd sell our 2 like a flash and buy myself something more suitable.
OP posts:
Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 21:43

OK op, I didn't say anything about her quitting. Or you that you would stop her quitting. I said that she is picking up on why you are doing this and teenagers don't often, really like their parents being overly involved in their hobbies. Especially if they know its because the parent 'needs this'.

Youur posts are quite conflicting.

Both people feel you were, at least part in the wrong. But its definitely not you.

The fact that you have used this as a distraction definitely hasn't clouded your judgement.

Good luck and I hope they apologise at the very least. Because even if they original annoyance is somewhat right. They shouldn't treat you like this.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2021 21:43

As someone who was secretary for my DD's club and did massive amounts of driving to training, fund raising, assisting with scoring . managing kit, dealing with DBS checks, first aid, H&S etc for 10 years (all voluntary), I think your daughter is rude and ungrateful and your husband is a disgrace. I can absolutely understand how upset you must be and I do think you should step back and tell your husband (if he is such an expert on it all) that he can support the riding and your daughter.

Nancydrawn · 17/07/2021 21:43

OP, gently:

If your husband is usually "quite a nice bloke" and "it's extremely unlike your daughter," is it possible that actually you're in the wrong and just don't recognize it?

I'd add that in response to a fairly minor domestic squabble you've called your husband a "fucking prick," which is something you've never said before in your life, and that you're dealing with serious personal stress with your brother.

All of which is to say, is it possible that she has a point, however poorly expressed? And that maybe you were being a bit high intensity/critical at a moment when she felt really down and vulnerable?

Because it sounds like your family is normally quite loving and calm, and you seem very out of sorts.

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:45

@endofthelinefinally

As someone who was secretary for my DD's club and did massive amounts of driving to training, fund raising, assisting with scoring . managing kit, dealing with DBS checks, first aid, H&S etc for 10 years (all voluntary), I think your daughter is rude and ungrateful and your husband is a disgrace. I can absolutely understand how upset you must be and I do think you should step back and tell your husband (if he is such an expert on it all) that he can support the riding and your daughter.
Thank you. Yes, all of that.
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 17/07/2021 21:45

Why were you discussing what went wrong with another child? They'll all have been gutted at not doing well, I think you were fairly inappropriate, tbh.
Your dh seems to feel that too.

TopBlogger · 17/07/2021 21:46

Has your DH addressed his backing up her rudeness?

Ratalie · 17/07/2021 21:46

If she hated riding I'd sell our 2 like a flash and buy myself something more suitable.
Literally the complete opposite of what you said in your OP. And I assume by 'something more suitable' you mean more horses?

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:47

@GreyhoundG1rl

Why were you discussing what went wrong with another child? They'll all have been gutted at not doing well, I think you were fairly inappropriate, tbh. Your dh seems to feel that too.
Ha! No, in this sport the child or parent can't ask the organisers what went wrong. I have to officially ask.
OP posts:
sadie9 · 17/07/2021 21:48

"I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them"
It's you that loves the horses. But you also said your hair was grey and you'd no nice clothes because it all goes on HER horses.
Ergo, you don't look after your own needs. But then you blame your DD for 'making' you spend everything on horses.
Then you said you don't want your DD to stop doing the horses thing because then you'd have to stop doing the organising thing, and you don't want to do that.
Therefore is it that you need DD to keep doing the horse thing because it means a lot to you to be involved.
It sounds like she was really embarrassed that you were telling the other girl what went wrong. It's tough being 15 and it's tough being a mother.
If your alcoholic brother has been calling you every day then chances are you are up to high do and your need to control everyone and everything has escalated.

tolerable · 17/07/2021 21:49

present her with a rosette for cheekiest fkr in show.
put her in another team avod conflict.nepotism..maybe..tho you undersold her in into...sports thing/did ok.
you focused on team/own intrest...any attention is attention when teen.maybe dh right?

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:51

@TopBlogger

Has your DH addressed his backing up her rudeness?
No he bloody well hasnt At the time I asked him ehat he was going to say, he said nothing it's your argument.

She was so rude! I said well you are her parent too and he said nothing

He said nothing/sulked for hours despite me making dinner and then said I was critical of her - I wasn't at all and he couldn't remember anything I said that was critical - I love her, she works really hard, horse was fine, she did OK - so I called him a prick

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 17/07/2021 21:51

Teens can be vile. Why does dh think you were unkind to dd?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 17/07/2021 21:52

Was your DH actually there at the point that DD started yelling at you for discussing with another child what they - not your daughter - had done wrong?

Or did he get a teenager version of 'Mum was criticising me in front of everybody'? So he has behaved like this on the basis of a fairytale from an overwrought kid?

sillysmiles · 17/07/2021 21:53

To me it sounds as though you've found something you enjoy doing and your DH is pissed at that, and this was a good time to have a go.
Your DD is being a madam, and without your "D"H's involved would probably calm down but now, because she has back up, might dig her heels in.

I don't see why you need to give up something you enjoy to appease your DD. Plenty of clubs all over the country rely on parents helping and getting involved.

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:53

@sadie9

"I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them" It's you that loves the horses. But you also said your hair was grey and you'd no nice clothes because it all goes on HER horses. Ergo, you don't look after your own needs. But then you blame your DD for 'making' you spend everything on horses. Then you said you don't want your DD to stop doing the horses thing because then you'd have to stop doing the organising thing, and you don't want to do that. Therefore is it that you need DD to keep doing the horse thing because it means a lot to you to be involved. It sounds like she was really embarrassed that you were telling the other girl what went wrong. It's tough being 15 and it's tough being a mother. If your alcoholic brother has been calling you every day then chances are you are up to high do and your need to control everyone and everything has escalated.
Ha! I have absolutely no desire to control anyone

I volunteered because otherwise there wouldn't have been a team

I think dd is really upset as one girl did really well and qualified for next stage

OP posts:
bookh · 17/07/2021 21:53

I wouldn't be giving up. Don't make any decisions today. Let the dust settle and address it tomorrow.

Few thoughts.

Timing. I would move team meetings to as late as you can get away with, good gap from event, horses sorted and then people having had a snack and rest. Never underestimate a hangry teen.

Tiredness, she will have been nervous, excited, anxious, see above re drink, food. It doesn't excuse it, but it's a common theme.

She will be exceptionally grateful at you doing this, and will be trying to show it in a strange way. Shouting over you, aka you let mum down, etc.

I rode, my niece rides, my daughters are little but will get there. My mum did not coach but my SIL does. I can remember my niece losing it at are after a pony club rally. It was awful. Sil had been there all day, pulled out all the stops and niece had her in tears. Broken down niece had not slept night before, was starving, tired, thirsty, and embarrassed at letting mum down, in her view.

Add into that the heat today? The lack of events recently meaning lack of practice, routine, build up.

Just all a recipe for explosion.

DH is another matter but I certainly would not be stoping what you enjoy. Just see how she is tomorrow and go from there.

MargaretThursday · 17/07/2021 21:53

@Whiskycav

Its really difficult op.

My mum was hugely involved in my horse riding and I was reminded about the sacrifices she made for my horse.

It wasn't my horse. It was hers. She made every decision, she even decided (without speaking to me) that she was selling him. And got a smaller horse that was too small for me to ride (she is very short and I I tall) She then got a job at the stables. All the sacrifices she made were actually for herself.

It was really difficult for me. Not sure why. Mainly because I suppose I wasn't like the other kids, my mum literally knew everything everything I was doing. They were all looking after their own horses or working Saturday jobs at the stables. She knew everything me and my friends did and our conversations. I felt like my privacy had been invaded.

And she did this to give herself something to.

I don't actually, think you have done anything wrong. But I remember being really annoyed I had my mum there all the time.

Hopefully she will apologise. So will dg and you can have a Converstation about what the issue seems to be.

I was going to say similar, but it wasn't horse riding it was another sport.

Dm loved playing the sport, and it was through her I started to play. She knew quite a lot and liked watching. We played against each other until I was beating her, and then she supported me. I really did appreciate what she did.

However: Having her there all the time at times rankled. Not when I was doing an individual tournament, but when we were playing a team match at home, all the others walked or bused there, played and went home. She stayed and watched my match-and then I felt I had to stay with her because there wasn't anyone else for her to be with.
When we played away, she always spoke first to the coach to say she'd do the driving, so I was always in the front of her car with the others having fun in the back, or in the coach's car. I was also the only girl, so already stood out.

If she'd tried to explain to my team mates what they'd done wrong I would have felt totally embarrassed-but if it had been one of their parents telling me I would have thanked them nicely (even if what they said was clearly rubbish) and been really polite.

I do remember a time when I upset dm. We were at the end of the season and a couple of the boys had said to me that their parents had volunteered to drive to some of the matches, but had been told that my dm was already doing it. They told me they'd (parents not them!) been a bit disappointed.

So I went to talk to dm. I tried to be tactful in a 15yo way. First I said that it wasn't fair on her doing all the driving. She said she didn't mind. Then I said that other parents had volunteered too. She said, oh well, she'd just do the ones (all the rest) she was down for as she didn't like to let anyone down. I pointed out that the other parents wanted to do it too. She said that she liked to come and watch so she'd tell the coach that she'd take me anyway.
That was the point I got very frustrated and told her I didn't want her to come and watch and she got upset.

Now I didn't handle it brilliantly, but at the time I felt backed into a corner. I wasn't asking her not to do them all. I was asking for her not to do one. Just one where I could be one of the team and on my own.

I wonder if your dd has made similar hints that she would like some space here and you've not noticed.
Dm was normally understanding and we had a great relationship. In fact I went in the coach's car the next match, and had a fantastic time. We stopped for fish and chips on the way back and he ran out of petrol and had to run up the road. It was great.
And the next year I didn't mind dm there every time. It was just at that point I felt smothered.

Daisydoesnt · 17/07/2021 21:54

OP just to clarify. I’m guessing that this was some sort of riding club or pony club regional competition? So a one off (more or less). And I’m guessing that the other girl got eliminated or given an unexpected refusal (on the cross country?) and that you were trying to work out from her understanding of what happened?

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:54

@sillysmiles

To me it sounds as though you've found something you enjoy doing and your DH is pissed at that, and this was a good time to have a go. Your DD is being a madam, and without your "D"H's involved would probably calm down but now, because she has back up, might dig her heels in.

I don't see why you need to give up something you enjoy to appease your DD. Plenty of clubs all over the country rely on parents helping and getting involved.

Thanks! I've had a couple of really nice messages from other mums. Dh is being totally weird about it.
OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:55

@Daisydoesnt

OP just to clarify. I’m guessing that this was some sort of riding club or pony club regional competition? So a one off (more or less). And I’m guessing that the other girl got eliminated or given an unexpected refusal (on the cross country?) and that you were trying to work out from her understanding of what happened?
Yes.
OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 17/07/2021 21:55

@GreyhoundG1rl

Why were you discussing what went wrong with another child? They'll all have been gutted at not doing well, I think you were fairly inappropriate, tbh. Your dh seems to feel that too.
Good point, and has been said the op needs to examine what she really said.
TrainspottingWelsh · 17/07/2021 21:58

I suppose it then hinges on what exactly the conversation was.