Page 2 | My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

Bryonyshcmyony · 2021-07-17T19:55:34+00:00

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird. Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up. I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible. I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do. I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

J0rd0 · 17/07/2021 21:21

@SirVixofVixHall

I think you have more of a husband problem than a daughter problem. Shockingly rude to your Mum at 15 happens to most of us I imagine, but your husband seems to be undermining you, why ? Is he jealous of you having something that takes up your time and attention ?

Or maybe OP isn’t giving the full story and DH’s criticism is well founded?

StMarysKettle · 17/07/2021 21:21

She wouldn't be riding again till she apologised if it was me. Plenty of yard chores but nothing fun

Daisydoesnt · 17/07/2021 21:22

OP I really feel for you. I was very, very keen when I was your daughters age (all through my childhood and well into my twenties!) Something similar happened to me and my mother when on just the one occasion she was a chef d’equipe. It makes me wince to think about it now….I was very rude to my mum. And oddly at the time I would have said I REALLY appreciated what my parents - and especially my mother - did for me. If your daughter had a bad day, and you were team coach (so possibly a bit more expectations on her to do well as your daughter; probably as much from herself as anyone) and then you were focused on analysing what went wrong for another girl, she may have had lots of very complicated disappointed-jealous? feelings. I know I did. Up to that day mum had always been focused on how we’d got on; analysing and commiserating/ celebrating the good & bad.

Sorry I’m not explaining this very well but hope the two of you can work it out between you.

Daisydoesnt · 17/07/2021 21:23

Oh and by the way, I got an absolute bollocking for my rudeness and yes I apologised very humbly and sincerely!!

Original poster

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:23

@StMarysKettle

She wouldn't be riding again till she apologised if it was me. Plenty of yard chores but nothing fun

I've already paid and entered stuff.

I've said to dh he can take her without me for the next few weeks.

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Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:25

Your post has made me cry. But thank you!

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Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:25

That was to @Daisydoesnt x

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Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:27

I think I can understand dds behaviour but not dhs

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Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 21:27

Its really difficult op.

My mum was hugely involved in my horse riding and I was reminded about the sacrifices she made for my horse.

It wasn't my horse. It was hers. She made every decision, she even decided (without speaking to me) that she was selling him. And got a smaller horse that was too small for me to ride (she is very short and I I tall) She then got a job at the stables. All the sacrifices she made were actually for herself.

It was really difficult for me. Not sure why. Mainly because I suppose I wasn't like the other kids, my mum literally knew everything everything I was doing. They were all looking after their own horses or working Saturday jobs at the stables. She knew everything me and my friends did and our conversations. I felt like my privacy had been invaded.

And she did this to give herself something to.

I don't actually, think you have done anything wrong. But I remember being really annoyed I had my mum there all the time.

Hopefully she will apologise. So will dg and you can have a Converstation about what the issue seems to be.

Costacoffeeisbetterthansex · 17/07/2021 21:27

What type of equine event was it?

Original poster

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:28

@Whiskycav

Its really difficult op.

My mum was hugely involved in my horse riding and I was reminded about the sacrifices she made for my horse.

It wasn't my horse. It was hers. She made every decision, she even decided (without speaking to me) that she was selling him. And got a smaller horse that was too small for me to ride (she is very short and I I tall) She then got a job at the stables. All the sacrifices she made were actually for herself.

It was really difficult for me. Not sure why. Mainly because I suppose I wasn't like the other kids, my mum literally knew everything everything I was doing. They were all looking after their own horses or working Saturday jobs at the stables. She knew everything me and my friends did and our conversations. I felt like my privacy had been invaded.

And she did this to give herself something to.

I don't actually, think you have done anything wrong. But I remember being really annoyed I had my mum there all the time.

Hopefully she will apologise. So will dg and you can have a Converstation about what the issue seems to be.

That sounds tough, but not the same It's her horse, I've never once talked about sacrifice

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Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 21:29

If your dh is normally decent.

Could he have felt you have been hard on her for a while. And this pushed him to say something. But as you weren't talking with dd, he actually just got it wrong.

But he does feel that way?

QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 21:31

🌸🌺🌼🌷🌹

Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 21:32

That sounds tough, but not the same
It's her horse, I've never once talked about sacrifice

But you do here. You admit you love them. You ride them. So they are shared horses.

And you are doing this, not just for her. Bit also for something to keep you occupied.

Teenagers aren't as unengaged as they make out. She may have picked up on all this stuff.

And just feel you are encroaching on her space.

Daisydoesnt · 17/07/2021 21:33

Bless you OP. I’m now 50-something so this is all a very long time ago! I was crazy passionate about my eventing but without doubt a lot of the fun was sharing it with my mum. And let’s face it, the highs are very high but the lows are very low. I would have had to be a much bigger and more mature person than I was as a teenager to have dealt with my mum being cheerleader in chief / manager for my peers.

Original poster

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:33

@Whiskycav

*That sounds tough, but not the same It's her horse, I've never once talked about sacrifice*

But you do here. You admit you love them. You ride them. So they are shared horses.

And you are doing this, not just for her. Bit also for something to keep you occupied.

Teenagers aren't as unengaged as they make out. She may have picked up on all this stuff.

And just feel you are encroaching on her space.

No. You are wrong. I ride them to keep them fit for her to compete.

If she wanted to give up tomorrow that would be fine!

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bloodyhell19 · 17/07/2021 21:35

Hormones, heat and devastation at the loss? If this isn't usual behaviour for DD, she's probably equally upset and embarrassed she was so rude to you. I'd sleep on it and talk to her in the morning, get to the root of it.

Your DH however... No words of advice there. I'd let him sulk now, Did he console DD after you "criticised" her? If not then sounds like he saw an opportunity to get at you & took it.

FWIW OP, I'm 30s now and look back at rows I had with my mother and the things I said and I'm so cross with myself still. We have a great close relationship now but still so maddening what nasty teenage hormones can make you say.

Ratalie · 17/07/2021 21:35

My mum was hugely involved in my horse riding and I was reminded about the sacrifices she made for my horse.

It wasn't my horse. It was hers.

This was precisely what I got from a couple of posts on the last page. Not that I'm trying to give the OP a kicking but, when tempers are cooled, it may be helpful if you could talk to DD about why she reacted like that (and why your DH was sympathetic).

Maybe OP's doing a fantastic job. Maybe she's living vicariously through her DD and pushing too hard. Maybe it's something in between. Having a shared hobby (particularly a competitive one) with your DC while also being their coach...it's not straightforward.

Inthemuckheap · 17/07/2021 21:35

Have a hug OP

Well done for organising as it's not easy. Talk to your DD tomorrow when you've both slept on it and ask her calmly why she said what she did. She most likely feels a bit of an idiot as didn't exactly paint herself in the best light in front of her teammates and other parents.

Your DH?? Glad you told him what you thought - he deserved it and should apologise to you!

Original poster

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:35

@Daisydoesnt

Bless you OP. I’m now 50-something so this is all a very long time ago! I was crazy passionate about my eventing but without doubt a lot of the fun was sharing it with my mum. And let’s face it, the highs are very high but the lows are very low. I would have had to be a much bigger and more mature person than I was as a teenager to have dealt with my mum being cheerleader in chief / manager for my peers.

Yes perhaps I over estimated that.

It was the one thing where she came 2nd so maybe I can understand that.

Not sure why dh has been so unpleasant about it though. He's normally quite a nice bloke!

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iwouldlikearefundonmybody · 17/07/2021 21:37

My dd lost it yesterday and when we got home she shouted I hate you, for the whole neighbourhood to hear.
First time she has said anything like that. So sending lots of sympathy

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Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:37

I really enjoyed organising the team and its quite sad I'll have to stop. Oh well.

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Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 21:38

@iwouldlikearefundonmybody

My dd lost it yesterday and when we got home she shouted I hate you, for the whole neighbourhood to hear. First time she has said anything like that. So sending lots of sympathy

Thanks It's shit isn't it

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TrainspottingWelsh · 17/07/2021 21:38

In the nicest possible way is your experience and input equal to that of a trainer at that level? Because if not I can see why she wouldn't have the same level of respect, even if you weren't her mum and therefore automatically clueless about everything.

Like every rider, I've fucked up. And constructive feedback is always welcome. Someone stating the obvious immediately afterwards makes me rage. Or useless advice from someone that isn't qualified to give it.

Apologies if that isn't the case, and you were just wrong and embarrassing simply because you're her mum. It was usually non horsey dp that felt the need to offer his state the obvious feedback so I got to play the good guy and escape the teenager nominated role of embarrassing, clueless parent.

Daisydoesnt · 17/07/2021 21:39

FWIW OP, I'm 30s now and look back at rows I had with my mother and the things I said and I'm so cross with myself still. We have a great close relationship now but still so maddening what nasty teenage hormones can make you say
Me too! It’s the only time in 50+years I’ve sworn at my lovely mum!

OP I’m not sure what to say about your DH. Sorry