Page 14 | My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

m00rfarm · 18/07/2021 17:54

Ignore any advice from people who know nothing about managing pony club/school teams. They really have no idea how different it is to the school hockey team or the village football team.

Some of the comments are utterly ridiculous.

it sounds like you handled it correctly with regard to the eliminated child, and how unfortunate it was your dd that gave the wrong information and then jumped the non option anyway. I hope she has learned a valuable lesson there (and the other child as well!)

your DH is jealous. Not only do you spend much of your time looking after the horses, but it is something that he does not know much about, so running the team as well he was just hoping you would fail. He doesn't sound very nice, to be honest.

I hope your dd will tell him that she has apologised to you as she was in the wrong ...

It would be nice if dd would help you manage the younger team. it would give her valuable insight into riding her own rounds.

Please make sure you get a chance to compete occasionally as well!

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/07/2021 17:59

your DH is jealous. Not only do you spend much of your time looking after the horses, but it is something that he does not know much about, so running the team as well he was just hoping you would fail. He doesn't sound very nice, to be honest.
Bit of a stretch...

m00rfarm · 18/07/2021 18:13

your DH is jealous. Not only do you spend much of your time looking after the horses, but it is something that he does not know much about, so running the team as well he was just hoping you would fail. He doesn't sound very nice, to be honest.
Bit of a stretch...

I am (possibly incorrectly) assuming you do not have horses. Apologies if you do. After 40 so years I can spot a mile off the partners and husbands that are truly supportive to their equestrian partners, and this one is not. Everything that he said and did points to this.

Nancydrawn · 18/07/2021 18:39

Did you actually suggest to your upset daughter yesterday that she might be overreacting because she was about to get her period?

Original poster

Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 19:33

Hmm he is very supportive in that he comes everywhere with us and knows a lot himself. I think he probably suspected dd would find it hard without my undivided attention as I am always the first person she wants to go to when things go well/badly

OP posts:

AndeanMountainCat · 18/07/2021 19:47

Aaaw, I’m glad you and your daughter had a cuddle and cleared the air! 💐

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/07/2021 19:58

OP don't let your sulking DH put you off doing something that you enjoyed doing. Maybe your DD turns to you because her father always chooses to do something only for himself (the gym) when things are going badly. And as he thinks any spare time you have should be spent working for his business, he seems pretty entitled.

Do you work and he expects your free time should be spent on his business, while you work but your free time has to be spent working? Time to read him the riot act.

Treaclepie19 · 18/07/2021 23:27

Op I think some people are misreading where you said you talked to the other girl "her" about where she'd gone wrong as you saying you spoke to them about where your daughter had gone wrong.

I'm glad things with dd are better!

Honeyroar · 19/07/2021 12:01

I’m an instructor, I’ve gone through pony club myself and watched dss go through it. I’ve evented and run the rc eventing teams, so I’d say completely understand the situation.

Your daughter sounds a little spoiled and doesn’t realise how much you do for her. Heck when I was her age I had to keep my own horse fit and do my own mucking out. I also understand what my father and also my husband have given up for me driving me round the country to competitions and the money it’s taken from the family. 40 years only father detests horses and horsey people!! So I can see why your husband lost his shit a little about getting flung into another situation with over emotional horsey palavas. The horsey hobby does not equate to him going to the gym in any way or form, and I think you know that. Horses are a whole lifestyle! It does sound like you’re now sulking just as much as anyone else saying you’re not going to competitions etc. I think perhaps you were as nervous and stressed, deep down as the riders. Which is understandable, but you can’t carry it on for days! You both need to talk like adults.

As for organising the team, I appreciate the work you have to do, and the often total lack of support, understanding or appreciation from others. But it doesn’t sound like it’s working at the moment for your family. The best thing might be to sit down with all of you calmly and discuss whether you could do it next year but differently. Your daughter might be a little more mature next year too.. If you organise the junior teams I think it would be a dreadful idea to have your daughter help. You really don’t need a know it all teen undermining you like this ever again if you’re to continue! Ideally you could do with an instructor coming to walk courses with them and helping with post mortems! Keep your side as organisation pre event, then you can watch your daughter. Couldn’t your DC help?

Anyway I hope this doesn’t come across too harsh. I can see the situation from a lot of angles and think there’s good and bad in all angles. Just put it behind you and learn from it?

Howshouldibehave · 19/07/2021 12:04

I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her

Who is ‘her’ in this context? Were you talking to Sally about what had gone wrong for sally? Or were you talking to sally about what had gone wrong with your own daughter?

Clymene · 19/07/2021 12:23

@Howshouldibehave

I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her

Who is ‘her’ in this context? Were you talking to Sally about what had gone wrong for sally? Or were you talking to sally about what had gone wrong with your own daughter?

The OP has explained this at length. She was talking to Sally about why Sally had been eliminated.

endofthelinefinally · 19/07/2021 12:38

Where was the instructor/coach? It sounds as if they should have been there but wasn't?
Our coaches were all volunteers and I often had to step up if there were competitions in different places on the same day. TBH, though, it isn't fair to put all responsibility onto an organiser for an event. If the coach had been there and fulfilling their role, none of this would have happened.

CousinKrispy · 19/07/2021 13:15

Hi, OP, wow you've put in a lot of hard work on this and I'm glad your DD has apologized and explained.

This might sound unrelated, but I wanted to ask if you've ever had any therapy or attended any groups aimed at family members of alcoholics? I know it might sound dreadful, but groups like Al-Anon (www.al-anonuk.org.uk/) can be a real help to those dealing with an alcoholic sibling. Horses are great therapy but you're in such a complex and difficult situation with your brother, and that complexity can bleed out into every other aspect of your life--your own willingness to take care of yourself, your relationship with H and children, how you function at work, etc. Talking to others who have been in the same place can really help.

I hope it all works out well for you, best wishes.

Polkadots2021 · 19/07/2021 13:27

@Bryonyshcmyony

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

OP, check out of helping her and just enjoy the horses yourself, unless you get a genuine and heartfelt apology where she realises she was basically being a sore loser.

You were being a good coach. She has to suck it up if she's lost, take constructive criticism from her coach and then do better next time. A billion young athletes have had to do the same and take it on the chin. She needs to as well. I'm betting your DH isn't sporty/doesn't get why this is good coaching.

She doesn't deserve the help OP until she sorts out her attitude. It's sore losing, nothing more.

m00rfarm · 19/07/2021 13:56

I disagree with the instructor above. I think that having her help with the junior teams having made a total hash of her friends round by giving wrong advice, could actually work.

Original poster

Bryonyshcmyony · 19/07/2021 16:09

@CousinKrispy

Hi, OP, wow you've put in a lot of hard work on this and I'm glad your DD has apologized and explained.

This might sound unrelated, but I wanted to ask if you've ever had any therapy or attended any groups aimed at family members of alcoholics? I know it might sound dreadful, but groups like Al-Anon (www.al-anonuk.org.uk/) can be a real help to those dealing with an alcoholic sibling. Horses are great therapy but you're in such a complex and difficult situation with your brother, and that complexity can bleed out into every other aspect of your life--your own willingness to take care of yourself, your relationship with H and children, how you function at work, etc. Talking to others who have been in the same place can really help.

I hope it all works out well for you, best wishes.

That's really kind of you. Sadly and unbelievably there is no Al anon group anywhere near wjere I live otherwise I would totally think about going.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bryonyshcmyony · 19/07/2021 16:11

She doesn't deserve the help OP until she sorts out her attitude. It's sore losing, nothing more

It was more. It was sore losing and not having your mum to be there instantly to console you. Which can't always happen and was a bit immature of her but I guess she's 15 not 18.

We are doing something else this weekend, something very low key and I have made it clear the second there is any arsery we leave.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 19/07/2021 18:58

There are alanon groups online. I know it isn't the same, but during Covid lots of local groups had to be online anyway.

Meraas · 19/07/2021 19:18

Why is it that some posters think this is what happened?

I'm new to the thread but your OP wasn't very clear, you said dd did ok but not brilliantly and then that you were talking to another girl about about what went wrong for her, so it sounds like you were talking about your dd.

Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her.

Anyway, YANBU, but it sounds like your dd has got away with being rude with zero consequences just because she cried. There should be consequences.

LemonRoses · 19/07/2021 19:30

Rude. Very rude.
Your husband then undermines you.
A conversation with your husband on neutral territory is needed. Go to a pub for a drink without your daughter. Explain how it left you feeling. Agree a sanction together, compromise a little but not so she doesn’t understand her behaviour hurt you.
Take her somewhere on her own for a coffee and talk about her unacceptable behaviour and impact on you. Ask her what the sanction should be.

I’d think a week with no horse access would do to help most horsey girls realise there are consequences. Then move on.