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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

345 replies

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 20:55

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 17/07/2021 22:48

@Bryonyshcmyony

Yes. I'll talj to her about it tomorrow

But this is all part of her insistence that she knows everything which is very wearing

I'm reminded of the very best piece of advice I ever received - you have two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion.

We often listen in order to talk. Your daughter may be 100% wrong, you won't know until you clear your mind and hear her. And then ask her to give you the same courtesy!

Ratalie · 17/07/2021 22:49

@NoSquirells

Thank you that does make a degree of sense (though I still maintain that saying you would never sell your horse, but also that you would sell it in a flash, is absolutely contradictory and clarification would have been helpful!)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/07/2021 22:50

I wouldn't say pushy parent but I definitely get the sense you are doing this more for your benefit than DDs and maybe DH thinks that as well.?

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:51

@Rubyupbeat

Maybe it's time for you to step back and let someone else do the organising, yes your daughter was rude, but most kids that age hate their parents being too involved in their out of school activities. Did your husband see another side to it? Maybe you were being embarrassing?
Of course I wasn't being embarrassing!

Do you have kids? Do they do sport? You probably rely on volunteers like me who spend nights sending emails and messages filling in forms doing safeguarding courses

OP posts:
hannayeah · 17/07/2021 22:52

I hope you don’t stop organizing because of one bad day, where your DD behaved poorly.

Talk to her about what happened. Tell her if she cannot control her emotions and tongue she will be taking a break from riding. (And maybe she does not enjoy competing?)

Your DH sounds like he wants more of your attention. Talk to him, too.

You did nothing wrong here. Just need to make some family adjustments.

TwoShades1 · 17/07/2021 22:53

Speaking as someone who has horses and has ridden competitively for many years I definitely think her not doing well will have played into this. Especially if training had been going well and better results were expected, at 15 it can be hard to reflect on where you messed up. That said my mother was heavily involved in my riding/club and I certainly had no problem with that.

KatherineSiena · 17/07/2021 22:54

@Rubyupbeat ha! Try finding some volunteers. All the clubs my DC attended, even the elite ones, had enormous difficulties getting parental help. Everyone was always oh so busy, it was the same few people always doing everything. So I have a great deal of sympathy for the OP who has just had all her help thrown back in her face by an ungrateful daughter and a surly DH.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:56

@TwoShades1

Speaking as someone who has horses and has ridden competitively for many years I definitely think her not doing well will have played into this. Especially if training had been going well and better results were expected, at 15 it can be hard to reflect on where you messed up. That said my mother was heavily involved in my riding/club and I certainly had no problem with that.
Yes she was absolutely gutted, she did OK but definitely nowhere near where she thought. She was mentally all over the place though from the minute we got there.
OP posts:
Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:58

[quote KatherineSiena]@Rubyupbeat ha! Try finding some volunteers. All the clubs my DC attended, even the elite ones, had enormous difficulties getting parental help. Everyone was always oh so busy, it was the same few people always doing everything. So I have a great deal of sympathy for the OP who has just had all her help thrown back in her face by an ungrateful daughter and a surly DH.[/quote]
Yep. My club has had nobody at this competition for years.

I'm annoyed that for whatever reason it's not working and I'll have to stop

OP posts:
BillyWhozz · 17/07/2021 22:59

Yes she was absolutely gutted, she did OK but definitely nowhere near where she thought. She was mentally all over the place though from the minute we got there

Hmmmm. But by your own admission you're not an expert. Sounds messy all round.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 17/07/2021 22:59

Did she really want to compete?

I remember being a bit surprised by pressure to do dance competition, as a child, when I had just wanted to enjoy dancing.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 23:00

@GrandmaSteglitszch

Did she really want to compete?

I remember being a bit surprised by pressure to do dance competition, as a child, when I had just wanted to enjoy dancing.

She absolutely wanted to compete. She's done nothing but practice for weeks

She's entered in another competition in a fortnight but I've decided I am not going. Dh can take her.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/07/2021 23:06

Yep. My club has had nobody at this competition for years.

There you go again, MY club. Its hers or possibly (at a push) ours. Definitely sounds like a lot of this is for you not them.

hannayeah · 17/07/2021 23:07

OP, it makes no sense to me for you to quit over one bad day. It’s a poor lesson for the kids, and sounds like it will mean the end of their competing.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 23:07

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Yep. My club has had nobody at this competition for years.

There you go again, MY club. Its hers or possibly (at a push) ours. Definitely sounds like a lot of this is for you not them.

There must be more juicy threads in AIBU that you can get stuck into?
OP posts:
Pixxie7 · 17/07/2021 23:08

I think it’s always difficult if you are coaching a team when one of your DC are involved. You have to balance between favouritism and going the complete opposite way. It may be time to either step down or get your daughter in a different group.

theheartofthematter · 17/07/2021 23:11

I think that she needs to see you as a coach not a parent in this situation and have a bit of respect. Taking her off the team is a good thought. Also could your husband be jealous of you finding something you were good at and something that made the parents and other parents grateful to you for (or am I projecting because that would happen here)

TrainspottingWelsh · 17/07/2021 23:12

So what was it exactly that you said?
None horsey dp came out with some right clangers, luckily in private and quickly silenced, but if he'd ever shared such amazing insights as 'you were going too fast' 'you took off too early' 'You really should have jumped it the third time' with any of the dc's teammates immediately afterwards I would have completely backed the dc in anything they had to say to him.

FlakeyFish · 17/07/2021 23:14

Can I suggest when you do talk to your daughter you tell her you were very upset and ask her what you could/should have done differently in her opinion. Before you tell her you're stepping back from all this. Let that come up naturally in the conversation. Firstly make sure she is in the right frame of mind for the conversation - petulance or snottiness won't help the situation. Say "I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday" and gauge the reaction. But please listen to what she says. Ever tried role play? Ask her what she thinks you said, tell her what you heard her say. But it'll only work in a calm environment. I do think you should have this conversation as it's obviously upset you.

As for your DH, there's another conversation to be had, but getting the input from your daughter first would be helpful.

AndeanMountainCat · 17/07/2021 23:16

Teenagers are dickheads, it’s their job!

Why are you giving up after one bad day and a bit of a ding dong with your daughter?

I think your nerves are ragged and it’s possible you’re overreacting slightly.

Your alcoholic brother is the elephant in the room here.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2021 23:17

[quote KatherineSiena]@Rubyupbeat ha! Try finding some volunteers. All the clubs my DC attended, even the elite ones, had enormous difficulties getting parental help. Everyone was always oh so busy, it was the same few people always doing everything. So I have a great deal of sympathy for the OP who has just had all her help thrown back in her face by an ungrateful daughter and a surly DH.[/quote]
Agree. Never have I experienced such rudeness and ingratitude from anyone than from the majority of parents of club members. Just a few of us did everything to keep the club going, arranging and hosting competitions, scoring, safety checking, first aid training, organising transport, food and drink, maintaining the website. Ask them to volunteer 1 session every 6 months and the wining and bitching was extraordinary. Thankfully my daughter did appreciate it. If you haven't volunteered in a youth organisation you have no idea. Just ask a scout of guide leader.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2021 23:19

Scout OR guide leader.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 23:19

@TrainspottingWelsh

So what was it exactly that you said? None horsey dp came out with some right clangers, luckily in private and quickly silenced, but if he'd ever shared such amazing insights as 'you were going too fast' 'you took off too early' 'You really should have jumped it the third time' with any of the dc's teammates immediately afterwards I would have completely backed the dc in anything they had to say to him.
I said talk me through the jumps so that we can work out where you were eliminated before I ask the organisers I would never criticise their riding that's not my place or job

I really have no idea why dh was so annoyed he was furious all day

I suspect he was actually annoyed that dd didn't do very well tbh even though has nothing to do with her training or the horses on a day to day basis

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 17/07/2021 23:21

@AndeanMountainCat

Teenagers are dickheads, it’s their job!

Why are you giving up after one bad day and a bit of a ding dong with your daughter?

I think your nerves are ragged and it’s possible you’re overreacting slightly.

Your alcoholic brother is the elephant in the room here.

Agreed.
HalzTangz · 17/07/2021 23:26

So would your husband think it ok for her to call another adult an idiot had they been having the chat instead of you.
Sorry but both your daughter and husband need to learns manners and how-to appropriately speak to people whether they are family or not