My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

[Bryonyshcmyony]

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

Good plan - take on the younger team. Do NOT encourage DD to help there too - you both need space from each other in the hobby. If she can say she would rather you didn't manage her team, you can say you would prefer she didn't help with the other team.

There is a time and a place to go over performance and what happened etc, in front of her friends just after the event is not it.

So many posters who haven't read the thread.

@Weebleweeble

There is a time and a place to go over performance and what happened etc, in front of her friends just after the event is not it.

So many posters who haven't read the thread.

No change there then

@Bryonyshcmyony, Sorry late to this. I can relate to many things you say.
We used to be involved in competitive sailing with a youth team. Similar experiences:
Lack of volunteers

Unrealistic expectations from some kids and Parents who saw a club Open Meeting as their stepping stone to the Olympics (Huh!)

Look after another age group is a good way out.
But do stick with it, when you see one or two of 'your team' doing well later in life it is a really nice feeling.

@Bryonyshcmyony

Why is it that some posters think this is what happened?

Because they're not reading the thread properly but still want to get their personal point across? 🌹

@Bryonyshcmyony
I understand the reason for the questioning immediately after the test.
In sailing the rules were that protests and so on had to be submitted ASAP. 60 min deadline.

Some people are being delibrately goady now youve explained it all-now go and enjoy yourself today and let them sulk alone

Actually I think organising the other team together could be great. It would make her feel more grown up.

I'm so glad she's apologised and you have a nice day planned.

I suspect your husband's reaction is about something else entirely.

Where is it going? You could ask any teenager who is very committed to a sport that question surely?

I’m asking you OP. You seem very unsure whether this is your hobby or DD’s you’ve said both at different times.

Many teenagers who are committed to a sport to the point that their entire family is so heavily involved in it - are contemplating a career in that sport or sport in general, teaching - whatever. And they’re not committing the kind of hours that you are.

When you commit to a life which involves grey hair, no nice clothes and all the available funding in addition to it being a 24/7 job, up at 6am daily - you need to consider what this is all about if it’s not about DD’s future.

Why are you sacrificing your life for someone else’s hobby?

And whose hobby is this? If it’s yours - fine then own it. If DD’s then be less involved and focus on your own riding.

Equally, whose alcohol problem is it? It’s not yours. So take a step back and let your DB sort his own life out.

It seems that you’re over-invested in other people, possibly a way of avoiding other things in your life. That is why a strop from a teen takes on such major proportions.

Another thing that I would add is that I look back and while I don't regret supporting DD in her sport, I do feel I was taken advantage of by the other parents and the coaches. Ten years was too long when other people weren't doing their share.

@Clymene

Actually I think organising the other team together could be great. It would make her feel more grown up.

I'm so glad she's apologised and you have a nice day planned.

I suspect your husband's reaction is about something else entirely.

Nah, she's already struggling with knowing when to advise others and when to defer to others - she wouldn't benefit from being The Expert Girl right now. Maybe in a couple of years, but not right now, as she'd be better off taking instructions from/expected to behave appropriately towards her Team Manager without the teenage My Mum Is Stupid business going on.

You don't put a nervy, prone to lash out animal in with an even more anxious one in the belief the slightly overreactive one will suddenly realise 'Oh, I'm in charge so I must be calm' when faced with a Slightly Out of Place Leaf of Death blowing in a tree or somebody they see as the Evil One enters the yard with the wrong face, you pick a sturdy, bombproof one who's seen and heard it all and can be a reassuring presence. DD isn't bombproof yet.

I think YABU and handled it badly. Your DD didn't do that well, she probably knew that and felt very sore about it. There is a time and a place to go over performance and what happened etc, in front of her friends just after the event is not it. I think you need to be more sensitive to her, and others. Sorry OP!

In your haste to have a go at the op you haven't bothered to establish what happened by reading the thread properly. But hey - never let the facts get in the way of making someone feel bad in AIBU. And as for the totally disingenuous "Sorry OP!" -

Good news on DD. Maybe use this to set some new ground rules between you.

Good luck with DH!

I’m so glad she apologized and it’s very sweet that she just wants you all to herself for her competitions.

Enjoy your coffee. Your DH’s off behavior will sort out later, too I’m sure.

I don't know many people who manage to volunteer directly in their child's sporting experience without causing issues - it's usually far better to "give back" to a different age group and allow your own child to have their own experience independently.

I don't agree with the poster above about letting your DD help with a younger group - she may well rise to the challenge admirably. People, like horses, develop skills by exposure - she won't magically become "bombproof" (or suitable to lead others) if she's not put in positions where she can learn those skills. It's up to the adults involved to make sure that she's not put in a position where it will go wrong. Getting her involved in helping with younger groups may also help her to see the value of those facilitating her sport.

"Turns out that the tipping point was after the cross country she was so proud of her horse jumping clear and I wasn't there as I was watching the rest of the team jump round."

I thought that her dad was there?

I don't think that she shuld help you with the younger ones.

If she wants to be on a team she needs to concentrate on that, plus as a pp put, learn when to listen!

@Throckmorton

Good plan - take on the younger team. Do NOT encourage DD to help there too - you both need space from each other in the hobby. If she can say she would rather you didn't manage her team, you can say you would prefer she didn't help with the other team.

Excellent that you've made up now! Good on DD for apologising.

Good advice from Throckmorton.

@TatianaBis

Where is it going? You could ask any teenager who is very committed to a sport that question surely?

I’m asking you OP. You seem very unsure whether this is your hobby or DD’s you’ve said both at different times.

Many teenagers who are committed to a sport to the point that their entire family is so heavily involved in it - are contemplating a career in that sport or sport in general, teaching - whatever. And they’re not committing the kind of hours that you are.

When you commit to a life which involves grey hair, no nice clothes and all the available funding in addition to it being a 24/7 job, up at 6am daily - you need to consider what this is all about if it’s not about DD’s future.

Why are you sacrificing your life for someone else’s hobby?

And whose hobby is this? If it’s yours - fine then own it. If DD’s then be less involved and focus on your own riding.

Equally, whose alcohol problem is it? It’s not yours. So take a step back and let your DB sort his own life out.

It seems that you’re over-invested in other people, possibly a way of avoiding other things in your life. That is why a strop from a teen takes on such major proportions.

I think there’s a lot of sense here - your DD is 15 now, what’s the plan for her to go to uni/further education? This is only 3-4 years away. What will happen with the horses then?

Oh fucking phone...wrong thread, obviously! This was the thread I was reading before

And your DH was being an arse, obviously.

glad you cleared the air op

@BlackeyedSusan

Vegan pancakes. Use soya milk and egg replacer and cook in vegetable oil.

😂

Pancakes could be a good aid to family togetherness.

@SirVixofVixHall

I think you have more of a husband problem than a daughter problem. Shockingly rude to your Mum at 15 happens to most of us I imagine, but your husband seems to be undermining you, why ? Is he jealous of you having something that takes up your time and attention ?

This. You DD needs to apologize, because however frustrated she got, this is not ok. But your DH is another issue and a much bigger one IMHO. Whatever he thought, why was he behaving like that?