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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

345 replies

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 20:55

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:25

Thank you toconclude

That's mumsnet for you

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 17/07/2021 22:26

So one girl got eliminated because she did what DD told her? No wonder DD tried to stop the conversation so her part in it didn't come out!
Maybe DH knew this and wanted to protect DD?
Maybe DH is fed up of the time and mental energy you are spending on your DB and on the event.
So he throws a spanner in, and you give up doing it. Hmm
He could have a point about your time, or he could be being demanding.
Can't help wondering if Judy Murray had these problems.

a8mint · 17/07/2021 22:26

Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet
You should have listened to what your dd was saying! She DID know!
How come your dd was giving wrong info to the team when you are supposed to be the organiser?

Terhou · 17/07/2021 22:27

Not sure why dh has been so unpleasant about it though. He's normally quite a nice bloke!

Give things a day or two to calm down and ask him again.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:29

@a8mint

Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet You should have listened to what your dd was saying! She DID know! How come your dd was giving wrong info to the team when you are supposed to be the organiser?
Good point I'm the organiser not the trainer I don't tell them how to ride

Dd got over excited and thought she was being helpful I expect but ended up telling this girl the wrong thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:30

@Bluetrews25

So one girl got eliminated because she did what DD told her? No wonder DD tried to stop the conversation so her part in it didn't come out! Maybe DH knew this and wanted to protect DD? Maybe DH is fed up of the time and mental energy you are spending on your DB and on the event. So he throws a spanner in, and you give up doing it. Hmm He could have a point about your time, or he could be being demanding. Can't help wondering if Judy Murray had these problems.
Dh definitely didn't know this and wasn't there.

Yes he's almost certainly annoyed about the time but I've been thinking about it and he did the same thing a few years ago which I never gave a thought to

OP posts:
ahoyshipmates · 17/07/2021 22:31

I'm getting over-involved, pushy-parent vibes The OP is in charge of the team. Of course she's involved.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/07/2021 22:32

Dd got over excited and thought she was being helpful I expect but ended up telling this girl the wrong thing.
Before or after the performance? It's not clear whether the misinformation led to the girl doing badly, or your dd wrongly advised her after the event that she knew what had gone wrong.

Ratalie · 17/07/2021 22:33

The "correct" one that it's all OPs fault because you have decided it is? Hmm. And I managed to follow the argument perfectly well. Maybe because I'm not energetically projecting and searching to lay blame.
I have no idea if it was all OP's fault.

I just don't see how it can be simultaneously true that the OP loves the horses and would never sell them, but also would sell them in a heartbeat if she could.

Also, she said she'd sell them to get 'something more suitable' (which seems to be a reference to getting a different horse)...but she also paints horse ownership as a big sacrifice that she's making for DD.

The dynamic when you're very involved in your child's competitive hobby can be difficult to manage. I think reflecting on your own motivations can help you manage that relationship better.

TatianaBis · 17/07/2021 22:35

It just sounds like frayed tempers on a hot day.

Everyone’s over-tired, over-invested and over-heated.

You all need a cool shower and things won’t look so bad in the morning.

Your DB on the other hand needs some tough love and boundaries. Cut contact for a time while he gets his shit together or doesn’t. Join Al Anon. You can’t fix him and he is dragging you down with him.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:36

My "motivation" was to volunteer to help so that a group of 8 kids could make 2 teams and join in a national qualifier. If I hadn't volunteered then none of them could have done it. If you have kids who do sport then you know people like me!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 17/07/2021 22:37

Not sure why dh has been so unpleasant about it though. He's normally quite a nice bloke!

He’s jealous of your attention on a) horses b) brother.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:38

@NoSquirrels

Not sure why dh has been so unpleasant about it though. He's normally quite a nice bloke!

He’s jealous of your attention on a) horses b) brother.

I think you are right.

But that's shit isn't it? How on earth can I help that?

OP posts:
messybun101 · 17/07/2021 22:39

@Ratalie

I still feel like you should re-read all of your (frequently contradictory) posts on this thread, to see if it leads you to a second epiphany.
I think this is a fantastic idea
Drivingmeupthewall · 17/07/2021 22:39

She was probably gutted to have lost. But that is no excuse at all for being a complete arsehole. Part of competition is learning to lose and assess performance. She needs to grow up.

Your husband sounds weak.

J0rd0 · 17/07/2021 22:40

@Drivingmeupthewall

She was probably gutted to have lost. But that is no excuse at all for being a complete arsehole. Part of competition is learning to lose and assess performance. She needs to grow up.

Your husband sounds weak.

Or maybe doesn’t agree with how OP handled it.
GrandmaSteglitszch · 17/07/2021 22:41

In the morning, apologise to DD for cutting her off and ask her what she had wanted to say.

DH is a separate problem.

Brother shouldn't be getting so much of your time and attention.

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2021 22:41

I just don't see how it can be simultaneously true that the OP loves the horses and would never sell them, but also would sell them in a heartbeat if she could.

You’re about to answer that yourself when you say…

Also, she said she'd sell them to get 'something more suitable' (which seems to be a reference to getting a different horse)...but she also paints horse ownership as a big sacrifice that she's making for DD.

Having these particular individual horses is the sacrifice for DD. They are not the horses OP would own if she had free choice.

It’s not the horse ownership that is the sacrifice - OP loves that. It’s that she’s sacrificing her own horse for her (somewhat ungrateful on this occasion) DD to be able to have competition horses.

It’s pretty clear to me.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:42

It would be amazing if he'd come to any conclusion over that as he wasn't there when we had this conversation

OP posts:
Ratalie · 17/07/2021 22:44

My "motivation" was to volunteer to help so that a group of 8 kids could make 2 teams and join in a national qualifier. If I hadn't volunteered then none of them could have done it. If you have kids who do sport then you know people like me!
Yup. We depend on volunteers and they are almost invariably a parent. It is absolutely a social good, but it can be difficult on the parent and child (particularly if the parent is very competitive, or it's more their interest then the child's).

You have said that horse ownership is a sacrifice that you make for your DD, leaving you to go without nice clothes or hair dye.

You have also said that you love the horses and would never sell them. Then you said you would sell them if DD wasn't interested but (if I have understood you correctly) you would get a more suitable horse for you.

You've talked about how hard you have both been working in preparing for this tournament. Is it possible you may be pushing her too hard?

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 22:45

@NoSquirrels

I just don't see how it can be simultaneously true that the OP loves the horses and would never sell them, but also would sell them in a heartbeat if she could.

You’re about to answer that yourself when you say…

Also, she said she'd sell them to get 'something more suitable' (which seems to be a reference to getting a different horse)...but she also paints horse ownership as a big sacrifice that she's making for DD.

Having these particular individual horses is the sacrifice for DD. They are not the horses OP would own if she had free choice.

It’s not the horse ownership that is the sacrifice - OP loves that. It’s that she’s sacrificing her own horse for her (somewhat ungrateful on this occasion) DD to be able to have competition horses.

It’s pretty clear to me.

Yes And I love the horses we have, they are great But horses cost a fortune, so if the person who allegedly wants them is rude and ungrateful then it's not odd to think about what you could do with the money
OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 17/07/2021 22:46

Maybe it's time for you to step back and let someone else do the organising, yes your daughter was rude, but most kids that age hate their parents being too involved in their out of school activities.
Did your husband see another side to it? Maybe you were being embarrassing?

KatherineSiena · 17/07/2021 22:46

Your daughter was very rude and your husband sounds petulant and sulky.

I volunteered for many years with my DC’s clubs and sports (not riding) and certainly when you get to regional and national levels it can be pretty intense and emotions run high especially after a disappointing result. But I’d like to echo the PP that the volunteer roles are critical to keeping grassroots sports and activities running and can be a thankless task (in fact many tasks). I’m pretty sure my DC didn’t always like me being around and I did try to make sure I wasn’t directly involved with them but sometimes it was unavoidable. Now they are grown up they appreciate the efforts made by me and other volunteers which kept the clubs running.

I hope in time your DD will do too. Hopefully she’ll see you have facilitated her activity not just by paying for it but by all the countless hours of volunteering. As for your husband I think you need to get to the root of his apparent jealousy & I’d be having serious words about his lack of support in the face of her dreadful rudeness.

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2021 22:46

But that's shit isn't it? How on earth can I help that?

Leave it alone until you can have a calm chat. That’s about all you can really do.

It’s shit he hasn’t expressed it in a useful way. But it’s not shit to feel frustrated if your partner is giving 100% to others and therefore not much left over emotionally for you.

If he’s a good bloke I expect he’s probably been thinking something like ‘Well, Bryony has been having a shit time and the horse stuff helps so I’ll suck it up’ and then when today has upset DD too he’s just… lost it a bit?

Have a calm chat tomorrow or whatever. Flowers

Kralia · 17/07/2021 22:47

If OPs usually placid DH is being unusually forthright, one explanation is that he's jealous. But the other is that he might have a point. Usually, if I get to the point of losing control and swearing, at a person who usually doesn't have that effect on me, that's likely a reflection on my own state of mind, not the person I'm swearing at!

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