My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

[Bryonyshcmyony]

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

And actually I've just had an epiphany.

Turns out dd gave the girl wrong info that she followed and therefore got eliminated. She didn't mean to, she got it wrong.

@Bryonyshcmyony

And actually I've just had an epiphany.

Turns out dd gave the girl wrong info that she followed and therefore got eliminated. She didn't mean to, she got it wrong.

Poor girl must be so stressed.

Yes. I'll talj to her about it tomorrow

But this is all part of her insistence that she knows everything which is very wearing

I still feel like you should re-read all of your (frequently contradictory) posts on this thread, to see if it leads you to a second epiphany.

@Bryonyshcmyony

Yes. I'll talj to her about it tomorrow

But this is all part of her insistence that she knows everything which is very wearing

Well, it is, certainly. But she's 15

Ha! It all makes sense to me although I can believe it sounds like confused nonsense to anyone else

That explains DD's behaviour.
I would say DH is peeved that most of your attention is on DBrother and the rest on the horse competition leaving none for him, boohoo.

Having read your updates OP I get that if another girl did very well and has qualified for the finals - and your daughter didn’t - then she was probably a bit jealous, a bit embarrassed, a bit disappointed. The day just didn’t live up to her expectations. Of course as an adult we all have to learn to live with setbacks and other people enjoying the glory (and especially with horses you have to get used to that!) I think I’d be having a chat with her tomorrow about the importance of slapping a smile on your face and being gracious when other people/ friends/ teammates do well. I was very, very competitive so that would be hard - but it’s a really important lesson.

You might also want to think about what is really important to you. Carrying on with a pony / riding club type role (they are always in demand) or carrying on supporting your daughter as she competes? Without being melodramatic it might seems like the fun might go out of it if (for your family as a whole) you try and do both.

It all makes sense to me although I can believe it sounds like confused nonsense to anyone else
Then I think you might be part of the problem.

How can it be simultaneously true that you love the horses and would never sell them, but that you would also sell them like a flash were it not for DD?

Are they Schroedingers?

Sorry, when you say

We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her

As in you were talking to the other girl about what went wrong for the other girl or talking to the other girl about what went wrong for your DD?

@Bryonyshcmyony

I really enjoyed organising the team and its quite sad I'll have to stop. Oh well.

See, I don't get this at all- you've had a bust up - why does this mean you have to stop organising the team? Smacks of cutting off nose to spite your face unless I've missed something

@Daisydoesnt

Having read your updates OP I get that if another girl did very well and has qualified for the finals - and your daughter didn’t - then she was probably a bit jealous, a bit embarrassed, a bit disappointed. The day just didn’t live up to her expectations. Of course as an adult we all have to learn to live with setbacks and other people enjoying the glory (and especially with horses you have to get used to that!) I think I’d be having a chat with her tomorrow about the importance of slapping a smile on your face and being gracious when other people/ friends/ teammates do well. I was very, very competitive so that would be hard - but it’s a really important lesson.

You might also want to think about what is really important to you. Carrying on with a pony / riding club type role (they are always in demand) or carrying on supporting your daughter as she competes? Without being melodramatic it might seems like the fun might go out of it if (for your family as a whole) you try and do both.

Thanks Yes I'm going to have to give up doing it. I was naive,. I thought stupidly that it would be helpful and fun

@BillyWhozz

Sorry, when you say

We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her

As in you were talking to the other girl about what went wrong for the other girl or talking to the other girl about what went wrong for your DD?

No the girl had made a mistake

But I've realised dd probably also made a mistake and gave the girl the wrong info.

She shouldn't have been rude to you but I'm wondering if you might have avoided criticism of her performance to another girl?

As in you were talking to the other girl about what went wrong for the other girl or talking to the other girl about what went wrong for your DD?

OP already said that the other girl got eliminated or had a refusal and the OP was trying to get that girls story of what had happened to her (to work out if they should object or not).

@SugarbabyMilly

She shouldn't have been rude to you but I'm wondering if you might have avoided criticism of her performance to another girl?

Absolutely didn't criticise dds performance and would never!

And on a separate note, I've drunk a good three quarters of a bottle of wine and feel like shite

You aren't really engaging with the main contradiction people are pointing out though - that you say you can't sell the horses because you like riding them, but that you'd sell them in a flash if DD lost interest! I think that for whatever reason, exploring DDs reasons for exploding (beyond being 15) and your DHs surprisingly vehement reaction to the matter, is hitting a particular nerve that you aren't yet willing or able to explore. That's fine, you clearly have a lot on your plate. But if you go ahead and punish her blindly without considering your own role in the debacle, I can fairly categorically predict that it will hinder rather than help your future relationship with her, particular when it comes to the subject of horses.

For what it's worth I agree with the teen emotions / disappointment / guilt etc being behind the overreaction too.

My DS is the same age and our "thing" I guess is music. I actually taught him myself for a while on one instrument that I have now gone on to take students in more formally (and with more training). So the day before a local competition he'd agreed to enter for the experience, it made sense for me to offer to play through some stuff together. He'd not done much practice on the piece for some weeks due to other commitments and playing something else in a school concert only a few days before.

Anyway, the evening was a disaster. He told me afterwards that he essentially "freaked out". I also managed to pick the wrong response initially to his panicked "I can't do this". Luckily a bit of encouragement and reassurance the following day - and a much needed good night's sleep! - meant it went fine, he got feedback that enabled him to say, see Mum, I do know what I'm not getting right, but also that enabled me to say, hey didn't you do well, aren't those wonderful comments.

We still need to have a followup chat about where this instrument is or isn't going, (it might be about 3 or 4 in his musical priorities list right now I suspect) but that's on hold for a bit.

I hope you can find the right things to say tomorrow to clear the air, and then have a followup at a calmer time to explore the wider issues that this incident has turned up.

They do grow up ... slowly .... :) Good luck!

@Ratalie

It all makes sense to me although I can believe it sounds like confused nonsense to anyone else Then I think you might be part of the problem.

How can it be simultaneously true that you love the horses and would never sell them, but that you would also sell them like a flash were it not for DD?

Are they Schroedingers?

This.

You clearly feel you're making a sacrifice for DD. You're also getting something out of it yourself. It's certainly possible that she feels you've taken over for your own benefit rather than for hers.

Reckon you guys might want to have a debrief after a good night's sleep and a fry up.

@Ratalie

I still feel like you should re-read all of your (frequently contradictory) posts on this thread, to see if it leads you to a second epiphany.

The "correct" one that it's all OPs fault because you have decided it is? Hmm. And I managed to follow the argument perfectly well. Maybe because I'm not energetically projecting and searching to lay blame.

Ah I see, I think some may have interpreted that you were criticising DD's performance to one of her team mates.

@mbosnz

Reckon you guys might want to have a debrief after a good night's sleep and a fry up.

🤣

"I've drunk a good three quarters of a bottle of wine and feel like shite"

Another good reason to not act on any of these feelings until you can get a bit of distance from it all! You don't seem in a good place, unsurprisingly, so take the decision to park it for now. DD can still shovel horse poo as penance next week if you both decide that's the right course of action.