Partner wants baby, but I'm 38!

[BusyMum84]

My new partner wants to try for a baby, I already have 17,13 and 7 year old from previous relationship. Is it selfish to have a baby at 38? Is 38 to old to do it all again?

Any advice much appreciated x

My eldest was 21 when I had the youngest. It was fine.

I'm 39 and just had a baby, so definitely not too old. Obviously your circumstances are different as you have children, but age wise absolutely should not be an issue x

wheresmymojo

You might want to make a start if you want children.

If you were happy about having another baby, you would have one. Many do now at your age and most people are still fit and well enough to do so.

However it is your choice. Nobody could blame you for not wanting one when your children are so grown and you need to be as sure as you can, in the not too distant future.

What I wonder is how committed he is to doing the hard, boring, tired and even more tired, sicky, pooey slog of caring for a baby and toddler? Does he even know that nappy-wearing goes on for about three years?

Is he going to take shared parental leave and be the SAHP for a while? Is he going to do nights, even when he's working?

Or does he think that because you've done it three times already, you're the expert, you find it easy and can be relied upon to do it all again?

You don't say whether he already has children. If so, did he pull his weight with their care? Does he do so domestically?

I agree with PPs that 38 is definitely not too old if it's what you want, but generally when people have been through it three times and those children are close to adulthood, they start to look forward to a different kind of life.

I had one at 43 and never felt too tired or too short of patience for it, and he's adult now.

38’s not too old, especially if your body’s done it before! I had my second just before my 38th birthday. My experience round here is that I was about average in terms of age for a second child.

@MajorNeville - I'm projecting slightly, but think the person might have been suggesting that the concatenation of menopause and puberty in the house could be more stressful than if only one hormonal storm was going on!

As I am menopausal and have a hormonal teen DS, that was my take on it, anyway. But so far we're coping

I had my first at 40, and would have had more had we not suffered a number of subsequent miscarriages. So, no, of course 38 is definitely not too old to have as baby.

It's whether or not you a) actually want one yourself or would be doing it to please/keep your partner, and b) want to go back to square one again at this point in your life when all your kids are more independent. Sleepless nights, teething, potty training, nits haven't got any more interesting since you last did it.

What if you have one and then feel that you need to have another to keep him/her company? I grew up with much older siblings and although I love them, it's not quite the same relationship as siblings closer in age have.

Babies are lovely, but imagine having to spend another six years at the primary school gates when your seven year old will be off at secondary school, no thanks!

If you have to ask on MN, then it's a bad idea.

Of course it's not too old to have a baby, if YOU want one.
If you don't want a baby, then any age is "too old"!

If you can give your baby love, then the age doesn't matter.
But only YOU can decide this. It has to come from within. MN can't decide this.

I had mine at 37 and 38. Wouldn't have another now though.

Dd had hers at 38, 39 and nearly 43.

It’s a bit different when you’ve already got dcs well past the baby/toddler stage though, so it’ll depend very much on how you feel about it. And presumably on how much you love your dp and want to give him what he wants.

Would he sign a contract to say he’ll solemnly swear do his share of night feeds/night waking, etc., though? However knackering it proves to be? Acid test IMO! 🙂

You have 3 children already. How will a baby impact on them?

Environmentally, the world doesn't need more human beings.

38 isn't too old, if it's what you want. But it doesn't sound like it's what you want, and that's perfectly reasonable at any age. Don't have a child you don't want just to make your partner happy. You're the one who's going to be pregnant and give birth, and you're the one who has three other children to think about. Their needs and interests should come first.

How 'new' is new partner? Does he live with you?
If he hasn't been living with you for at least a year then I'd say no.
Because the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
Babies are shit hard work, would he be getting up nights?
Has he other kids or other commitments.
You have to be having the baby 'for' you not 'for' him.
Things have to be equal between you.
Sometimes a man is attracted to a woman who already has kids because he wants another Mummy in his life to look after him. But doesn't really want the responsibility of parenting and all that goes with that. Not saying your guy is like that, but it wouldn't be uncommon.
If he lives with his mother run a bloody mile.

I had my youngest at 40 my eldest at 30 my middle one at 31. It was fine. The problem was the gap. 1 was a very steep learning curve, the second a doddle. Being back there again with a 9 year gap was more like the first. Not quite starting all over again but I was definitely out of practice with the third.

What your partner wants doesn't matter. It's your body. What do you want?

38 is not too old, per se, but with 3 kids, I don't think I'd want another at that age, at least not to actively try to conceive.

It's a new partner (how new?), chances are that you'd have the child and you'd split up. Guess who'd be left holding said baby?

In a stable, committed relationship, it might make more sense. But, even then, only if it was something you genuinely wanted.

@BusyMum84

My new partner wants to try for a baby, I already have 17,13 and 7 year old from previous relationship. Is it selfish to have a baby at 38? Is 38 to old to do it all again?

Any advice much appreciated x

It's not too old or selfish I don't think, if it suits you first and foremost as without stating the obvious, you will be the one carrying the child, and unless you share more than half with your partner, the person who will be taking care of the new baby, as often is the case. I was 37 when I conceived my DS, everyone is different in themselves health weight body etc, but for me, for several reasons personal to my own situation but also my age, I would not have a baby at 37/38, that's just me as now having just turned 41, and doing it as a single parent and running a home etc, I am struggling, having health issues. So I would go by what you really want then consider your other children and what type of partner you have.

It isn't too old but do you want another baby after having your first at 21 and having 3 other children? It would mean nearly 35 years of looking after children continuously.

I had mine at 36 and 39, but I don't have any other older children and if I did, I wouldn't want to start again with a baby in my late thirties. It's like resetting the clock again.

Do you want another baby? Or is it just your partner? It's a tough decision.

You're not too old but I wouldn't want to go back to diapers and all that when your oldest is nearly grown and your youngest is 7.

That is a lot to ask from you. I wouldn't do it.

I had dd at 41. Having said that, in your position with 3 already, I wouldn't want to do it again.

Of course 38’s not too old!!