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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants baby, but I'm 38!

219 replies

BusyMum84 · 17/07/2021 10:15

My new partner wants to try for a baby, I already have 17,13 and 7 year old from previous relationship. Is it selfish to have a baby at 38? Is 38 to old to do it all again?

Any advice much appreciated x

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 17/07/2021 11:02

i don't think is too old. I had my last at 37 and have a few friends that were 41/42.

However if I was 38 and had three much older children, I definitely would not want to start all again. Hell would freeze over before I agreed to this,

curryandpastaandwine · 17/07/2021 11:03

Does he now? How does he feel about you going through it at 38 after 3 children already? Not bothered I'm guessing.

bagforlifelady · 17/07/2021 11:05

38 isn’t old at all these days and actually very normal where I live especially for baby 2. It’s whether you want to do it or not that is the deciding factor

billy1966 · 17/07/2021 11:05

OP,
Women carry the load.

This will be down to you.

There were a number of threads recently where women had babies with partners after a break of years and they broke up, leaving them so stuck.

You have 3 children, you would be absolutely mad to go back to babies.

Borrow a baby to remind yourself how relentless it is.

As for a NEW partner asking?
Give me a break.

Twoforthree · 17/07/2021 11:06

I wouldn’t have a problem with the age. I would have a problem with starting again. Didn’t you have this conversation in the early days of your relationship?

Branleuse · 17/07/2021 11:08

you dont mention if you want a new baby. 4 kids is a lot. Do you really want to be doing this forever.

Its not too late if thats what you really want, but dont let anyone pressure you

MissConductUS · 17/07/2021 11:08

I had mine at 39 and 41, but if I had three already I'd say no.

lunar1 · 17/07/2021 11:08

If you are horrified at the suggestion of having another it suggests you probably don't want to. I'm 40 and had my youngest at 30, no way would I consider starting again.

Bluedeblue · 17/07/2021 11:10

I don't think this is about Ops age of 38. If she was married and thinking of trying for a first baby, I'd say go for it. The fact that she has 3 children already that are 17, 13 & 7 is the issue. Why go back and do it all over again now?

As things stand, Op's 7 year old will be 18 when Op is 49 - that's a great age to regain your freedom and start to travel to places you wouldn't take children etc. If Op starts trying for a baby now, she could be 40 when it's born, meaning she will be 58 before she can even think about living for herself again. That may be fine for people who had their 1st at 40, as they obviously had freedom throughout their 20's and 30's, but Op had her 1st baby at the age of 21, she has been a parent throughout her 20's and 30's, and having another baby now would mean also being a parent until she's almost 60. I know you're a parent when they are over 18 (goodness knows I still do a lot of running around for my 22 y/o), but at 18 you can step back a little as they go to Uni or whatever. You are not doing school runs and all that jazz.

Whattodonow5 · 17/07/2021 11:11

Funnily enough I'm same age as you and I have two teens and a 7 year old and am in a relationship with a man with no children.
He said at the beginning he wanted no children of his own but whether that changes who knows.
One thing I do know though is that I would categorically not entertain another child so would end the relationship.

That part of my life is over and with the older 2 as teens it's really brought home how expensive children are. Your time gets even more divided and I'd hate for my current children to feel my attention for them was divided further.
Plus for the first time in 15 years I get some proper child free time and wouldn't give it up.

I'm obviously just stating my own opinion. As for your age I don't think 38 is too old for a child I just think with the ages and amount of children you already have it would cause a lot of extra stress.

RedToothBrush · 17/07/2021 11:11

The issue here isn't your age.

Today having a baby at 38 is far from unusual and not problematic as we live longer and in this case your child would have older siblings should the worst happen.

The issue here is that from the tone of your post you don't see to be wild about the idea. Do you REALLY want another child?

Your partner might like the idea, but you come as a package with your other children. Why isn't that enough for them? (There may be a good reason here but you need to explore it).

Then there's the practicalities of your job, childcare and what might happen if you split up.

Thats a big risk.

Not to mention the risk that if you have another child, what happens if there are complications? What would be the consequences and impact on the children if the new baby was disabled for example. I do think when you have subsequent children at any age, you need to at least acknowledge this possibility. But more so when you are slightly older.

There there's the issue of the relationship you have with your partner. How long have you been with them? The fact you aren't married and are considering having a baby (and therefore likely to become more financially dependant on them at least in the short term) is an issue you need to consider.

Don't have a baby to please your partner. Have one because its what you want and you want without wholeheartedly because the situation you are complicates things and means you have far more risk and far more to consider than if you are a long term married couple having their first baby at 38.

Do think about it very seriously.

You might think YES this is for me. But its also ok for you to turn around and say I don't want to, to your partner and I stress that deciding you don't want another baby isn't selfish either (which might be the accusation you face if this is what you decide).

Zilla1 · 17/07/2021 11:14

As PPs have said, the main issue will be what you want? That said, does your partner do their fair share already? Do they have children already or would the consequences of your decision lead to them having no genetic children of their own or risk ending the relationship?

Good luck.

Etinox · 17/07/2021 11:19

How new is the partner? Lots of other factors to consider but that’s the main one.

Bluedeblue · 17/07/2021 11:20

Some people think that women "owe" men a baby. Fuck knows why.

I remember a funny conversation with my Dad, when I met my now DH, who was childless :

Dad : You need to give that man a baby

Me : Sure, I'll just pop to Argos and buy one

Dad : You know what I mean, if you want to keep him, you need to give him a baby, or he might look elsewhere.

Me : Or, I could give him a baby, and when I'm at home, carrying all that extra baby weight, and covered in sick, he might start to look at the glamorous single girls at work

Dad : I don't think you should give him a baby

Crolisd · 17/07/2021 11:21

Ive just had my 2nd at 38- I would say not too old BUT do you want to? My oldest is still a toddler so we are going through the young child phase now. You’ve already been through it 3 times. Do you want 4 children? Can you provide for them all and give them enough attention? Are your oldest children going to want to do the same things as your youngest when they get to toddler stage?

Worrysaboutalot · 17/07/2021 11:24

I had my 4th child at 38yo. It is not too late, if you want a child. But do you want another child?

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 17/07/2021 11:27

Do you actually want another baby? You don't mention you own feelings at all.

Howcanthisbe123 · 17/07/2021 11:29

It’s not too old, but do YOU want too? I know I wouldn’t want to start again when your 7 years closer to freedom 😂

ShrikeAttack · 17/07/2021 11:31

Given your circumstances I think you'd be mad to have a baby. Your children are nearly grown, why start again with all the added complications of blended families?

Moonwhite · 17/07/2021 11:33

Your age isn't the issue. Whether you actually want another baby and want to do that whole thing all over again is the main issue.

maddening · 17/07/2021 11:34

Are you the man or the woman? If you are the man and do not want any more dc then be clear with your partner as if dc are a deal breaker the relationship is doomed jmo

Wondergirl100 · 17/07/2021 11:35

The question here is would it negatively impact your other children? Only you can answer that properly.

So many threads on Mumsnet show the serious trauma and difficulties caused by bringing new babies into families where that just makes it harder for children from previous relationships. Of course there is no set answer in each situation - but I do think adults who already have children have a duty to think deeply before having kids with another partner. How will your older children feel when you are juggilng sleepless nights and a baby with a man who isn't their dad - often the step parent then begins to resent the older children sadly.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/07/2021 11:37

Do YOU want another baby?

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2021 11:38

I had my 2nd at 37 so I don’t think your age is the issue but with dc of those ages already I wouldn’t have another.
How would your existing dc feel? You say your partner wants a chil but do you? Also, you aren’t married

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 17/07/2021 11:38

Does he want to marry you? Or does he just want to impregnate you?