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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants baby, but I'm 38!

219 replies

BusyMum84 · 17/07/2021 10:15

My new partner wants to try for a baby, I already have 17,13 and 7 year old from previous relationship. Is it selfish to have a baby at 38? Is 38 to old to do it all again?

Any advice much appreciated x

OP posts:
bluebeck · 17/07/2021 11:39

How long have you been together? How old is he? Does he already have DC? If so, how engaged with them is he?

NakedAttraction · 17/07/2021 11:40

Not too old at all. The real questions are whether you are happy to start the baby stage again with such a big age gap, can you afford it, and are you ok with being a single parent of 4 if it came to that?

Pinkandpink · 17/07/2021 11:43

I had my first at 38

me4real · 17/07/2021 11:47

I don't think age is the main thing maybe (though any reason is fine.) I imagine a lot of women if they have three and their youngest is seven wouldn't want to go through it all again (though if someone does that's fine of course.)

What matters is whether you , yourself as an individual, want it. If you don't, don't let him wheedle you into it.

FlaminEckVera · 17/07/2021 11:48

No way in hell would I be having another at nearly 40, when I had been having babies since I was just out of my teens.

@BusyMum84 Don't do it. Just don't. I have known of many women touching 40, with teen children, who enter into a new relationship with a new partner, who is desperate for a baby with them... And before the baby can walk, he fucks off and leaves her.

FlaminEckVera · 17/07/2021 11:50

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Does he want to marry you? Or does he just want to impregnate you?
Good question.

As I said, I have known this happen quite a few times, and I question (strongly) why a woman's new partner, wants to have a baby with her so quickly.

NowEvenBetter · 17/07/2021 11:51

How would it benefit your existing kids? Would you afford uni fees etc. for all of them? Do you have secure housing, and income? Cope with the increased risk of disabilities and multiple foetuses?
Obviously don’t have a kid with a new boyfriend, wait till you know each other well and have been together for quite a long time. The boyfriends wishes are the least relevant thing in this question, it’d be your body, life, finances, and existing kids that your choice would be impacted heavily by.

ParkheadParadise · 17/07/2021 11:54

I had dd2 at 38
I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 5 months ( she was definitely a surprise arrival)
23 years after dd1 😜
I wouldn't have planned to have a baby at 38 but she's one of the best things to happen to us.

Bananalanacake · 17/07/2021 11:56

It's what you want that matters, who cares what a man wants. I wouldn't do it myself, your youngest is 7, I couldn't face nappies and prams all over again. How long have you been together, tell him you will think about it after 5 years, to see his reaction.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 17/07/2021 11:57

In fact, the more I think about it, the more annoyed I am at the disrespectful fucker asking you to have his baby but not asking you to marry him.

38 not too old though, no.

unim · 17/07/2021 11:58

My mum had her first (me!) at 39! And her second at 41.

Everything has been totally fine.

Do what your heart is calling you to do!

RoSEbuds6 · 17/07/2021 11:59

I had my dd at 39 and sailed through it all, and loved every minute of it, but now 13 years on I'm perimenopausal and possibly not in the right headspace for a hormonal teen.

lastcall · 17/07/2021 12:04

How new is your partner?
How committed is your relationship?
Is he transparent with his money?
Does he pay/do his share?
Do you and he know any new child you bring into the world won't be entitled to child benefit as you already have 3?
Will he do his share of paternity cover?
Will he do his share of nights? sick days? appointments?

Do you want another one at this stage of your life ... 3 much older children.

FlaminEckVera · 17/07/2021 12:06

To the ones saying 'I had DD/DS at 38/41/43, and don't regret it for a second!' and 'my mother had me at 40 and she said it's the best thing she ever did,' and so on... You're missing the point.

38 isn't too old to have a baby, but the OP has been with this man for five minutes, and he wants her to have a baby with him. WTAF?!! Confused

As a number of posters have said, he hasn't asked her to MARRY him, just to have his baby.... WHY? Confused

Ilikeknitting · 17/07/2021 12:07

38 is biologically not too late but…..I’d not be starting again when the youngest was 7 just my choice.

You do realise that if he’s a great stepdad to your children then they will become second best once he has his own child in their life/home?

Only you can answer your question. Do you want to be free to live life in ten years, go away for weekends at a moment’s notice, lay in bed until noon on Sundays, know that a room stays tidy for more that five minutes, have brunch at the Ivy or do you want to be packing P.E. Kits, attending sports days and Carol concerts, mopping up piss off toilet seats or vomit from a poorly child and arranging play dates with other peoples children.

Would your partner stick around if you had a disabled child? I know it’s a grim thought but he’s not married to you, it would be too easy to walk away if you had a disabled child or twins.

Do you want another baby?

Nobody here can give you the answer. Only you can decide.

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 12:10

@RoSEbuds6

I had my dd at 39 and sailed through it all, and loved every minute of it, but now 13 years on I'm perimenopausal and possibly not in the right headspace for a hormonal teen.
Hats off to you for your honesty. It’s bloody rare to find someone on MN not pretending that late motherhood is a bowl of cherries.
Winter2020 · 17/07/2021 12:12

I had my second older than that but with an eight year age gap it is a grind going back to caring for a toddler. I can often imagine how our lives/holidays etc would be different without but he brings a lot of fun and joy and is very loved so we did the right thing for us.

I agree the big question is do you want a baby? If you and you partner break up do you still want one - that’s 18 years plus of parenthood over again with at least 14/15 of those years heavily restricting your life by their needs.

This decision will completely change the course of your life - do you want to be relaxing with friends and a drink on holiday in 5 years time - or will you be happy to be chasing a small child round a pool/playground?

If you have a child with severe disabilities you will be swapping chilling out now your kids are grown for possibly a lifetime of caring. Although that can happen at any age it is in stark contrast to having raised your family and enjoying your independence again. The family and friends that might have supported you before may be too old/frail or just not interested in being around small children over again.

Having said that if you loved having children and would relish doing it again then go for it. As long as it’s something you would like and not for someone else.

If your partner can offer you financial security I would insist on getting married first. If it’s your house/you as the high earner then don’t. This is not selfish like it might first appear as it is actually designed to ensure a home and financial stability for the child whether provided by you or their dad.

Good luck with what you decide.

ShippingNews · 17/07/2021 12:16

Why does he want a baby so soon ? You describe him as " a new partner" - any new partner would be suspect in my eyes if he is already talking about a baby . I'd be insisting on some commitment, not just "ooh I want you to have my baby !"

speakout · 17/07/2021 12:17

I had my first at 38, second at 40.

Would I do that in your position OP- absolutely not.

cadburyegg · 17/07/2021 12:17

No, it’s not too old at all if that’s what you want. My mum was 42 when I was born.

If you don’t want more children then that’s more relevant than your age. I’m a single mum and don’t want more children.

mummog · 17/07/2021 12:19

@BusyMum84

My new partner wants to try for a baby, I already have 17,13 and 7 year old from previous relationship. Is it selfish to have a baby at 38? Is 38 to old to do it all again?

Any advice much appreciated x

I find this a little shocking that you thunk so! I had my first baby last year at 34! It didn't feel late at all.
Blackhawkdown2020 · 17/07/2021 12:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Ideasplease322 · 17/07/2021 12:25

38 isn’t too old for - what age is he? I think anything. Over 46/47 for both parents is too old.

Iggyplop · 17/07/2021 12:26

I suppose it depends on how you feel, If it was me it would be a definite no but it's your body, your choice and your life but think carefully OP x

speakout · 17/07/2021 12:27

I find this a little shocking that you thunk so! I had my first baby last year at 34! It didn't feel late at all.

I think it is too late- not for first time motherhood, for having a forth, and an 18 year old.
Basically consigning 40 years of a life to motherhood.
The OP became a mother at 21- hardly any time to live a child free adult life.
She will have the opportunity again for more freedoms, or she can jump on the wheel all over again and be nearly 60 before she can spread her own wings.