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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants baby, but I'm 38!

219 replies

BusyMum84 · 17/07/2021 10:15

My new partner wants to try for a baby, I already have 17,13 and 7 year old from previous relationship. Is it selfish to have a baby at 38? Is 38 to old to do it all again?

Any advice much appreciated x

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 17/07/2021 12:27

I don’t think you are too old at all OP. Depends if you want another baby, don’t feel pressured by your partner. Personally, I wouldn’t want another baby in your circumstances, but do what’s right for you. Good luck.

Fizzbangwallop · 17/07/2021 12:28

38 definitely isn’t too old but that isn’t the important question to ask in this situation.

Personally, I wouldn’t have another baby in your circumstances because you are very likely to become a single mother of 4. I know I sound cynical, but the reality is that many second or third marriages/relationships don’t last, especially when there are step parents and older children involved.

spinningspaniels · 17/07/2021 12:30

It's not too old for a baby, but fast forward 15 years and imagine being in your mid 50s with a very stroppy hormonal teenager..................

I had 3 DD's and their teenage years nearly killed me, just as one came out the other side another went into it.

FlaminEckVera · 17/07/2021 12:30

@RoSEbuds6

I had my dd at 39 and sailed through it all, and loved every minute of it, but now 13 years on I'm perimenopausal and possibly not in the right headspace for a hormonal teen.

THIS! ^ This is what people don't take into account. Whilst most people will be very healthy and fit and energetic in their late 30s and early 40s, and think 'I am fit, healthy, and vibrant enough to have a new baby at 40-42ish,' they don't think outside the box.

Like, the fact that they will be in their early 50s whilst the child is still at primary school. And the fact their child will still be at school when they're almost SIXTY years old.

And even though SOME people on mumsnet think someone of 60 is barely middle aged, and everyone in their 'social circle' runs a marathon every 2 weeks at 65-70, and is running their own business at 78; the fact is that the vast VAST majority of people will have much less energy, and will be starting to get more tired and wanting their peace and quiet more by their mid 50s.

In addition, for many, their health will have started to decline by their mid to late 50s, some much more than others. You also run the risk of leaving a child with no parents when they are still quite young, when they need their parents most...

The thought of having a primary school aged child in their 50s, and a teenager at almost 60, is something that fills most ordinary people with sheer horror. That's why the vast majority of people simply don't do it.

I can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of women I know who had a baby past the age or 41/42. Even though it seems to be every third woman in the country over 40, according to some on here.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/07/2021 12:31

Having a baby is selfish. Having 4 kids is selfish. Having a new partner is selfish. Having kids with a new partner is selfish. You can presumably work out the costs/benefits of a baby for each member of the family. 38 is not too old.

ItPearl · 17/07/2021 12:32

@RoSEbuds6

I had my dd at 39 and sailed through it all, and loved every minute of it, but now 13 years on I'm perimenopausal and possibly not in the right headspace for a hormonal teen.
Couldn't agree more. I'm 51 and my youngest is a not very easy, extremely lazy messy gruff 15 year old and I feel like I should be past this stage.
FlaminEckVera · 17/07/2021 12:34

@spinningspaniels

It's not too old for a baby, but fast forward 15 years and imagine being in your mid 50s with a very stroppy hormonal teenager..................

I had 3 DD's and their teenage years nearly killed me, just as one came out the other side another went into it.

This. ^ Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

As I said, some fit and healthy people aged 40-44ish, don't think outside the box at ALL. All they think is 'oooh, I want a baby and I am fit and healthy and energetic' and they come out with stuff like 'my aunt Lulu lived until she was 107, and had her last baby at 60, and ran marathons at 99, and worked til she was 97 blah blah blah...'

There is no joined-up thinking from some people on here at ALL. It's frightening. Shock

HeartIess · 17/07/2021 12:37

THE AGE ISNT THE ISSUE

lottiegarbanzo · 17/07/2021 12:39

I had my first at 38, it's great (and not old at all IMO and IME) but I wanted to.

I'm five years older than most mothers of first children DC's age at school, same as some others, younger than some. Certainly I know people who've had second children in their 40s.

I wasn't doing it all again though. That's a big factor when you think you've done all that and are breathing a sigh of relief that they're becoming independent now and you can get back some time to yourself (and yourselves as a couple).

What do you want to do?

fpurplea · 17/07/2021 12:43

@HeartIess

THE AGE ISNT THE ISSUE
Quote for truth. Of course you aren't "too old". Question is, is it too old "for you"? Do you want another one? If you're using age as an excuse I think that's your question answered.

I'm 37 and trying for our 1st, all these people basically saying by proxy that I've left it too late really need to check themselves and remember that responses are read by everyone on the site, not just the OP.

Ideasplease322 · 17/07/2021 12:44

I can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of women I know who had a baby past the age or 41/42. Even though it seems to be every third woman in the country over 40, according to some on here.

Around 5 per cent of babies are born to mothers over forty. Neither mumsnet nor your personal experience will give you an accurate gauge of how common it is..

WeAllHaveWings · 17/07/2021 12:45

You've had experience of babies and teenagers so know what to expect and know some babies and some teenagers can be easy and others more challenging.

You need to judge for for yourself if you can do it all again with another, including things like this one will be a teenager potentially wanting support through uni when you might want to do retirement planning, caring for elderly parents and the menopause!

How new is your new partner, as you need to also factor in to your decision whether he'll be there for the long haul.

MissTrip82 · 17/07/2021 12:48

No ‘joined-up’ thinking from people having babies at 40?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

What a very stupid thing to write.

OP most women I know were far far more likely to have a baby at 38 than at 21. Despite our lack of ‘joined-up thinking’, we managed to develop the kind of careers that make a baby in your 20s rather difficult. Imagine what we could have achieved if we had the intellectual prowess of a joined-up thinker!

Don’t have a baby you don’t want to have, ever. That’s the question to think about.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/07/2021 12:54

Yes 'new partner' and the stresses and strains babyhood places on any relationship don't sound like a good mix.

You need to know someone well enough, be committed enough to each other and have had some fun times to look back upon and remember why you're together, if you want to survive the early years, IMO.

Trophy babies are never a good thing.

RRBB1920 · 17/07/2021 12:56

Of course not, I was 39 and 40 when I had my 2.

Bluedeblue · 17/07/2021 12:59

In addition, for many, their health will have started to decline by their mid to late 50s, some much more than others

Eh? I'm 51 and have zero health issues. My friends are all mid to late 50's and have zero health issues, most still run and go to the gym. I know police officers in their 50's, who are regularly rolling around the floor with the public and come out winning. My DH is coming up to 49 and could beat the shit out of a 25 y/o. In my experience health issues appear about a decade later than your estimate.

billy1966 · 17/07/2021 12:59

I had a baby after 40 and have lots of friends who did similarly but those who write having teens in your late 50's is full on.

They need your head and mind so much.

Collecting them at all hours so they are safe is no laugh.

38 having a first, fine, if that is the way things happened.
But a forth with a NEW partner, god NO.

The amount of women on here having a baby with a partner of a year and then being left high and dry is scary.

Don't sacrifice your hard won bit of freedom now.

ihtwsf · 17/07/2021 13:01

It's not too old but it doesn't sound like you really want a baby.
Do you want one?
How long have you and your partner been together?
What if you split up?
What's the housing situation? Do you have enough bedrooms/space for another child?

Sunflowermoon · 17/07/2021 13:09

Hi I had my last baby at almost 38 and my husband was 41. I'm 39 now
We are finding it all very hard at the moment with a full on toddler a challenging four year old and a stroppy sassy eight year old. I have had the thought I let my Heart rule my head as husband was happy at two but I was desperate for another.
It's hard to say how you will deal with it at this age but for me I've found it so much harder than previous two. Good luck

MajorNeville · 17/07/2021 13:13

@spinningspaniels

It's not too old for a baby, but fast forward 15 years and imagine being in your mid 50s with a very stroppy hormonal teenager..................

I had 3 DD's and their teenage years nearly killed me, just as one came out the other side another went into it.

I'm 54 with a 15yo, had her when I was 38. I'm perfectly ok dealing with a hormonal teenager, lol. Life is great here, genuinely no idea why it wouldn't be. It's down to personality rather than age.
MindTheBumps · 17/07/2021 13:14

I am in the same circumstances as you except my new partner is only 30 with no children.

I have been honest right from the start that there will be no babies. Imagine paying for toddler childcare and putting the oldest one through uni at the same time.

Plus I can see freedom, I can leave the youngest with the older two for short periods and go to the gym or the shops. Why would I want to trade that in for nappies and baby massage again.

wheresmymojo · 17/07/2021 13:16

I haven't started having babies yet and I'm 39!

It's very normal where I am (South East) to be 35-42 and starting a family.

nimbuscloud · 17/07/2021 13:21

@wheresmymojo
But your situation is completely different to the op’s.

ItPearl · 17/07/2021 13:23

It's a totally different situation for posters trying for their first at this age.
They are certain they want a baby
They're not going back to the beginning
No impact on older children to consider
FEWER dependents, obviously, if you are having a first

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/07/2021 13:27

I had my first at 40, second at 45. 38 isn't that old in comparison.
It wasn't exactly choice that it took that long to have no. 2, just the way things happened - rather like not meeting DH until I was 36. Just the way things fall.

If YOU want to have another baby, then you should try for one. If YOU really don't, then don't. If your DP really wants a baby and you don't, then maybe you should both reconsider the relationship rather than having one side resent the other - but don't discount it just because you're 38.