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Original poster

Adult stepson & summer hols

267 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:43

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

OP posts:
Whyo · 17/07/2021 09:47

I think a little unfair yes. Wanting to come home from uni for the summer at 20 is quite normal and quite different to living at home at 30. Assuming he’s not going on to phd etc level is it really that bad to make him feel welcome a further couple of years.

Aprilx · 17/07/2021 09:47

What is he doing for money if he is not working?

dogsandall · 17/07/2021 09:47

Most uni students come home in the summer, it's not unusual for him to want to do that. The job issue is a different story. How is he affording uni without working ?

WimpoleHat · 17/07/2021 09:48

“Smashing, SS - it’ll be great to see you. This summer’s going to need a bit more planning, though - because Covid etc. What days are you planning on working as I’m using your room as an office and will need to sort logistics and a rota for house chores etc etc etc….”

Bet he decides to stay at university!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/07/2021 09:49

Does he need to get a job whilst on holidays from uni? Not necessarily imo. Does he need to help out in the house and get himself from a to b- yes! You know how he will learn? When you stop doing it!

30degreesandmeltinghere · 17/07/2021 09:50

Tell him great - alll chores and meal cooking can be split 3 ways now but how will he be paying board?
And the WiFi is pay per use also.
And mean all of it...
My ds is in the army. Coughs up when he stays home though. And cooks!!

NoYOUbekind · 17/07/2021 09:51

Practically my whole uni group of friends went home every summer - and that was when summer jobs were much easier to come by! It's perfectly normal and not an indication of what a student's going to do when they're 30.

But of course you shouldn't be running around after another adult. Don't give lifts unless it suits you, talk to DH about how he sees cooking/chores working out. And if he stays in his room all summer, what's that to you? Just let him get on with it.

Greenwateringcan · 17/07/2021 09:52

It’s normal for uni students to come home for the summer. You sound a bit mean.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 17/07/2021 09:53

It's pretty standard for uni students to come home for the summer and relax, he may have a house there but there'll be barely anyone else there, it'll be very lonely. I wouldn't ask any board money but wouldn't drive him around either.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2021 09:55

Mine will always be welcome home in holidays if they move away for uni regardless of their age. Wouldn’t expect them to pay rent either as this is their family home.

Personally I find it quite sad when parents expect children to leave at 18 and never come back.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 09:55

This is what students do. If he’s got money why does he need a job?

I spent all my holidays lying around doing nothing. I managed to evolve into a normal adult.

This is more about you than him.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:56

Thanks for the responses. Other consideration (sorry to drip feed) is that DH is CEV so if SS goes back to his pub job/out with mates etc we have the added covid risk to consider. Rates are so high at the moment and we're trying to be careful.

BTW there are loads of jobs available at the moment in hospitality, to the poster who suggested that work was hard to come by.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2021 09:57

Hospitality is crying out for workers, I’m sure even on a temp basis. Has he ever had a job? Who’s supporting him financially while he’s not choosing to earn by himself?

I wouldn’t be catering to a 20 year old who didn’t want to lift a finger for a whole summer, not my child, not either of my step children. Cutting the apron strings is for their benefit, just not yours.

You need your office to work, which presumably helps fund the roof over your head and his when he stays so what’s the plan to make sure you can keep it for work if he decides to come back? Is his mum happy to accommodate and cater for him?

Justilou1 · 17/07/2021 09:57

Time to Adult Up, Big Guy - take @30degreesandmeltinghere advice and I bet he’s either staying at Uni or going home to mum’s. Actually, why isn’t he going there? Does she expect input? Maybe she won’t drive him hither and yon? She’s onto him already and Dad’s the soft touch!

Greenwateringcan · 17/07/2021 09:59

If he doesn’t want to get a job then he will have less money. It’s that simple.

I’ve got one home from uni currently lying about at her grans because granny needs a bit of extra help and spoils them rotten. In return for uni child sailing granny around for shopping and the like.

I have every confidence said child will turn into a normal functioning member of society.

I’m not funding them beyond what I am for uni so what’s the big deal?

Is he really going to be at yours and not his mums the whole summer?

Notaroadrunner · 17/07/2021 10:07

It's common for uni students to come home for summer but not common for them to laze about. Ds is working. There is no way he'd get to sit around all summer having myself and Dh doing everything for him. Your dh needs to make sure his son has sorted a job before he comes to stay. And you can do up a rota for household chores. Make sure he knows this before he arrives - the thoughts of having to work and help out around the house might make him stay where he is.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/07/2021 10:08

Coming home from uni at 20 is the normal thing to do. Whilst I can understand wanting him to get a job I do think you're being a bit mean.

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2021 10:11

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

This is what students do. If he’s got money why does he need a job?

I spent all my holidays lying around doing nothing. I managed to evolve into a normal adult.

This is more about you than him.

Yes but you may have inconvenienced others by doing so, which isn't on from an adult. It isn't all about his development. He needs to not he a PITA, which at the very least means a totally different attitude to helping out around the house and getting himself around.
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 10:12

There was only me and my mum. She liked having me around.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2021 10:16

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Thanks for the responses. Other consideration (sorry to drip feed) is that DH is CEV so if SS goes back to his pub job/out with mates etc we have the added covid risk to consider. Rates are so high at the moment and we're trying to be careful.

BTW there are loads of jobs available at the moment in hospitality, to the poster who suggested that work was hard to come by.

The younger children are in school though so to penalise him for bring a covid risk is extreme. Unless nobody leaves the house and no on visits there is a risk of covid always.

Would you expect your own children to move out as soon as they turn 18 and not return?

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2021 10:16

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

There was only me and my mum. She liked having me around.
That's why I said "may". This boy's version of lying around all summer is putting strain on the people he lives with.
onceivepostedidontcomeback · 17/07/2021 10:16

Being a parent doesn't end when your DC or SDC reach adulthood. Always welcome at home.

0None0 · 17/07/2021 10:17

Coming home for the summer at 20 is completely normal. Relaxing abs seeing friends is very important. Hospitality jobs are awful for students, unless they are within east well lit walking distance if home. You can easily spend more getting a taxi home at 3am than you make e we irking 7pm to 3am. It’s pointless and not something I encourage

YABVU

Dontwatchfootball · 17/07/2021 10:24

I was made so unwelcome by my mother and step father that I tried to never come home during the holidays from uni, but there were some times when I just couldn't avoid it. I get that you want him to be responsible, which is totally reasonable, but a blanket no to coming will really damage the relationship. He is not fully grown up yet, whatever his age, and people this age still need their parents.

MarianneUnfaithful · 17/07/2021 10:26

Do you want him to get a job or not?
You judge him for ‘not’ but resent him for potentially making shielding hard.

Perfectly normal for students to come home in the hols. He is your DH’s son.

I am lucky enough not to be skint and counting pennies in the grocery budget each week so wouldn’t dream of charging my student offspring to live at home.

But they do have to buy any alcohol or specific ‘extras’ that they fancy.

And fair enough that he does his share of chores. Your DH needs to sort that.

And of course you don’t have to run him around. You are working / busy / not a taxi. What’s wrong with legs, public transport / bike / last resort Dad Taxi?