Page 2 | Adult stepson & summer hols

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 2021-07-17T08:43:16+00:00

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here.... SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive. A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all. Are we being unfair on him?

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 17/07/2021 10:29

"We're so excited to see you over summer, we've missed you so much! Can't wait to spend time with you. There's a lovely new beer garden opened in town I'd love to take you to!

So happy to hear you're able to spend time in Leeds or wherever bit of a difference to last summer, isn't it?

Let us know when you're planning to come back down/what your work schedule looks like. Chocolate's having to work from your room so we'll need to shuffle a few things round for you coming back (unless you don't mind being seen in the background of her Zoom calls). Unfortunately you might have to share with a couple of folders for a while.

Hope Mum's OK, can't wait to hear about your year in proper detail! Love you."

Smother him with kindness. You won't see him for dust.

updownroundandround · 17/07/2021 10:36

At 20, he's really not a child, but not yet a fully grown 'grown up', so he probably needs some 'encouragement' to help him find a job in the summer.

I'd advise saying, ''How wonderful SS, we're really looking forward to spending time with you ! Now we know that finding a job could be difficult, what with us having to be careful because of Covid, but we've had a great idea ! As I'm WFH for the summer, it would really be fantastic if you'd be willing to 'work' for us ? We were thinking you could do housework/ shopping etc for us, and we'll agree a weekly 'wage'? ''

I'd advise his hours could be 830 am to 230 pm, which gets him up and out of bed, but leaves him free to see friends etc later in the day, with some cash in his pocket. It also means that you and DH can put your feet up after work, because all your housework/shopping etc is done ?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 10:40

I agree he’s not fully grown up. And not really doing anything wrong.

We had 3 at uni, all came home and loafed about over the summer. They had the odd job. But mostly they were just fun to hang out with.

Branleuse · 17/07/2021 10:41

a 20 year old university student having a summer holiday and wanting to come home is not unusual and doesnt at all mean they will be living at home at 30.
Do you try and look for work in your annual leave?

Ghosttile · 17/07/2021 10:52

So last year you wanted him to get a job

’He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job’

So he did get a job

’but when he wasn't working he basically laid around’

But you still weren’t happy.

Now this year you want him to get a job because there are loads of jobs available in the hospitality industry, but you don’t want him working a hospitality job near you

’DH is CEV so if SS goes back to his pub job/out with mates etc we have the added covid risk to consider’

And you’ve taken over his bedroom as your office

’I really need the room he stays in as office space’

It’s totally normal for students to come home for the holidays.

’ I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30.’

It sounds more like you expected that you could be done with him when he left for University.

KarlUrbansWife · 17/07/2021 10:53

As others have said, lay a few ground rules and welcome him back with open arms.

I just can't fathom the common MN attitude of kicking your kids out to fend for themselves at 18 and it's not reflective of my experience, my DH or any of my friends. We all lived at home til late twenties and were very welcome. Might make a difference that we live in the SE where it's impossible to cover living costs on your own without a high salary, so we all waited til we had partners to move in with.

My kids will always be welcome at home.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 17/07/2021 10:58

@KarlUrbansWife

As others have said, lay a few ground rules and welcome him back with open arms.

I just can't fathom the common MN attitude of kicking your kids out to fend for themselves at 18 and it's not reflective of my experience, my DH or any of my friends. We all lived at home til late twenties and were very welcome. Might make a difference that we live in the SE where it's impossible to cover living costs on your own without a high salary, so we all waited til we had partners to move in with.

My kids will always be welcome at home.

Quite.

When they are fifteen they are still babies to be Mothered but from sixteen they're expected to be completely emotionally independent and by eighteen they're fully functioning adult who should rely on their parents for nothing.

It's odd.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 11:02

@updownroundandround

At 20, he's really not a child, but not yet a fully grown 'grown up', so he probably needs some 'encouragement' to help him find a job in the summer.

I'd advise saying, ''How wonderful SS, we're really looking forward to spending time with you ! Now we know that finding a job could be difficult, what with us having to be careful because of Covid, but we've had a great idea ! As I'm WFH for the summer, it would really be fantastic if you'd be willing to 'work' for us ? We were thinking you could do housework/ shopping etc for us, and we'll agree a weekly 'wage'? ''

I'd advise his hours could be 830 am to 230 pm, which gets him up and out of bed, but leaves him free to see friends etc later in the day, with some cash in his pocket. It also means that you and DH can put your feet up after work, because all your housework/shopping etc is done ?

Wait, you want us to pay him for contributing the running the house?! Erm no.

OP posts:

MikeHat · 17/07/2021 11:13

What would your approach be if he was your son ?
My two DC came home every summer from uni for the whole summer. I loved having them back. I wouldn't dream of asking them for money.
They did have very small part time jobs back home which they could pick up in the hols but I take the view that they will be at the grind for 40 years once they graduate so uni years are a time to enjoy.
Now in mid 20s both in good careers and living independently so no, having a loving family to come home to whil e at uni did not encourage them to live at home until 30.
MN is brutal iro young adults. I don't know anyone in real life who treated their student DC differently from me.

LongCovidSucks · 17/07/2021 11:17

God I remember going home from uni for the holidays, wanting to just relax when I got home from my holiday job and hoping mum would basically take a load off for me! (I did work thou!)

And on the not so nice side having the step parent there and not feeling as welcome.

Just set up a rota of chores and withhold lifts/WiFi until he’s done each days chores...

He’s 20 and studying. I think you should ease off a little so long as he contributes to the house and sorts his own transport /cycles for the majority of the time.

Office space - mixed feelings... Can you move out of the office, get some noise reducing headphones and work in the kitchen whilst he’s staying? If he was your child you’d do that.

Soontobe60 · 17/07/2021 11:21

Both my children came home every summer - my eldest split her time between me and her father, we didn’t change her bedroom until she had a home of her own.
You don’t have to give him any money, run him around or pick up after him - he’s an adult. But don’t make life difficult for him by throwing him out of his bedroom!
With regards to Covid, make sure he knows he has to maintain social distancing and do LFTs 2x weekly whilst at home.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 11:25

If he was my son my view would be the same, certainly for after the second year of university.

Re the lifts, he can't get to and from his mum's without catching two buses. I guess he could get the bus but he just expects to be taxi-ed around.

Re the WFH: my DH works downstairs and we can't work in the same space as we're both on calls a lot. The bed's going to need to come out of the bedroom (box room) to accommodate my desk - I was about to move in there when he decided he wanted to come back for the summer having been very clear only a month ago that he wasn't going to. He does have a room at his mum's btw.

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 17/07/2021 11:25

The main issue is the immediate but I wouldn't worry about his life at 30 based on his behaviour at university at 20. It might be they will live at home if not wealthy and near London but equally I think the worry in your OP about 30 seems perhaps unwarranted.

Perhaps if he does return to his DM's then a conversation if there is someone CEV in your household to manage expectations might be helpful.

Good luck.

Beamur · 17/07/2021 11:26

I have 2 SC and they needed to come home and flop and be looked after a bit.
Not unreasonable that you ask him to do some chores though.
If you need the office for work, is there somewhere else he can use?

amission · 17/07/2021 11:30

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

This is what students do. If he’s got money why does he need a job?

I spent all my holidays lying around doing nothing. I managed to evolve into a normal adult.

This is more about you than him.

Yep

Just be clear he needs to chip in with chores and get himself around.

Beyond that I think you'd be really cold to stop or resent him coming home.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 11:31

@Beamur

I have 2 SC and they needed to come home and flop and be looked after a bit. Not unreasonable that you ask him to do some chores though. If you need the office for work, is there somewhere else he can use?

Not really, unless he wants to sleep on his brother's floor/the sofa. Like I said, he said he wasn't coming back so I made plans for that room. Then he changed his mind. I don't see the point of leaving a room empty for the handful of times he might stay.

OP posts:

Lampzade · 17/07/2021 11:32

I remember coming home from university during the summer . I always felt a bit lost despite the fact that I had a loving family.
So I cannot imagine going to a house where I didn’t feel welcome and where my room was now being used as an office
Op , your dh needs to sit down with dss and lay down some ground rules. You don’t need to be there as you don’t want dss to blame you for any potential fall out.

HalzTangz · 17/07/2021 11:33

I wouldn't tell him he has to get a job in uni town, however I would say ok you can come stay but there will be rules to follow (job or no job), you will have to do your share of the housework and you will have to make your own transport arrangements when you go out, you are no longer a child and need to start taking your responsibilities seriously

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 17/07/2021 11:35

It's perfectly normal for Uni students to come home in the summer, bit mean to say no after students have had a shit year

thing47 · 17/07/2021 11:36

Expecting him to help with the house is reasonable, and you certainly don't have to run around after him – I wouldn't be offering any lifts unless they happened to fit in with what I was doing, he can get lifts from friends or use public transport.

But whether he gets a job or not is really up to him, if he can afford not to.

Presumably you don't have university-age children yourself OP? As others have said, it is perfectly normal for children to come home during university summer holidays.

bluebeck · 17/07/2021 11:37

Gosh you really don't like him do you?

He must feel pretty unwelcome at yours.

You have managed so far without using that room as your office - it sounds almost as though you were pre empting him using it by deciding it would be your office from now on.

Re the lifts - is it you or DH who gives them? If it's you, just don't do it if it's inconvenient. If it's DH, then so what?

He has to clear up after himself etc but aside from that you want him to get a job but don't want him to get a job.......he can't win can he?

amission · 17/07/2021 11:38

Gosh you really don't like him do you?

That really shines through doesn't it?

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/07/2021 11:39

Like I said, he said he wasn't coming back so I made plans for that room.

So unmake your plans. You're sounding quite nasty here.

Macaroni46 · 17/07/2021 11:41

OP you're being really unkind. He is your DH's son. He should not only be welcome at your home but should have a room. You should be pleased he's asked to stay with you.
You changing into an office is telling him loudly and clearly to keep away. I feel very sad for him. I was that adult child in your SS's scenario and the hurt and rejection was horrible and those feelings have never gone away.
Please reconsider your stance towards him. These uni years are pivotal in future relationships with parents.
Yes give him chores and limit the lifts - Uber?
But please do not shut him out. I feel sorry for him.

Capricornandproud · 17/07/2021 11:42

@WimpoleHat

“Smashing, SS - it’ll be great to see you. This summer’s going to need a bit more planning, though - because Covid etc. What days are you planning on working as I’m using your room as an office and will need to sort logistics and a rota for house chores etc etc etc….”

Bet he decides to stay at university!

This! Excellent stance to take from the off. At 20 I was working for 3 jobs to save for a deposit - I have zero tolerence for laziness and actively dislike people with no work ethic 😂