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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult stepson & summer hols

267 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:43

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

OP posts:

beigebrownblue · 17/07/2021 11:45

It has been an awful and difficult year for many students with Covid.

Make sure he gets his jabs. I know someone aged sixteen who got a job in hospitality industry and just walked up to a mobile jabbing place in a largish town and was given one.

Even if he can't get a paid job he could contribute in some way and get something useful on his C.V. NHS need volunteers, ushers for vacinnation centres etc. Would keep him busy.

lanthanum · 17/07/2021 11:48

Given short notice, and the fact that mum's is officially his main residence, I think it's reasonable to say that it's not going to be ideal this summer. If mum's is main residence, why is he fixing on yours this time? Is it because you give him an easier ride? If has found work near you, then obviously it would make sense for him to be based at yours, and I think it would be difficult to say no (although with some groundrules). But if he hasn't, then I think you make your case that mum's would be better, although he'd be welcome to come for part of the time.

Cherrysoup · 17/07/2021 11:48

Where is the OP supposed to work if she and her dh are on constant calls? He already said he wasn’t coming home. He needs to get a job for summer, most Uni students do, surely? I did, just signed up to a temp agency. Who’s paying his rent over summer to retain his house at Uni?

ForgotAboutThis · 17/07/2021 11:49

I'd love to live in the kind of world where you can afford to keep a bedroom just for a grown adult to use for a few weeks each year.
OP I would convert the room to an office, and just say he's welcome to come and stay but he has to bunk I'm with his brother as your family situation has changed drastically due to the pandemic. And I would not be providing lifts. I'm not too bothered about the idea of him just mooching around all summer, as he probably needs some down time, but he can't expect to be ferried too and fro.

AdultingAvoidance · 17/07/2021 11:56

He needs to get a job asap. When he has a job he will know where he needs to be based or the summer, DM, Uni town or yours. Uni students are not exempt for lifting a finger, their life is EASY. I know, I am one, full time and run a family and home. Honestly going to Uni has really opened my eyes and I'm on a rigerous academic course. It's about being organised with your time and preparation.

amission · 17/07/2021 11:57

@AdultingAvoidance

Everyone's different

KarlUrbansWife · 17/07/2021 12:02

@AdultingAvoidance

Most students don't run a family or a home. It's absolutely doable but if they can relax over the summer, why shouldn't they? The time will soon come for nose to the grindstone until they retire, if they're lucky enough to be able to. I say this as somebody who worked from age 15 in Hospitality jobs until I left university and moved into the corporate world.

QuaffleyGood · 17/07/2021 12:03

Your attitude towards your DSS is awful. Where have you been working up until now?

Do you not see how unwelcoming you are being? People have been working from home for over a year now and you've managed all that time without a desk in his room but now he wants to come home for summer you urgently need the room?

You blatantly don't like him and resent him staying in your home. Everything else is coming off as an excuse.

Annasgirl · 17/07/2021 12:04

It’s a different world. I live in Ireland and I don’t know anyone who didn’t work every Summer through Uni. And now on the other side, I would never hire someone who hadn’t worked in the Summer through University.
My own DD is 17 and has a Summer job - this year places are crying out for staff. I just about tolerate my 14 year old sitting about - I cannot imagine a 20 year old lazing about the house all Summer.

CaraherEIL · 17/07/2021 12:05

Coming home for the summer from uni at 20 is totally normal, that is absolutely not the same thing as living at home at 30. If you are trotting that line out to your DH about your stepson then it feels as if you are trying to start to create an impression that having your stepson come home from uni for the holidays is weird and that seems unkind and also untrue.
If I was made to feel unwelcome at my family home in the holidays at age 20 it would have really hurt me. Finances and getting a job are a different discussion.

amission · 17/07/2021 12:06

@Annasgirl

It’s a different world. I live in Ireland and I don’t know anyone who didn’t work every Summer through Uni. And now on the other side, I would never hire someone who hadn’t worked in the Summer through University. My own DD is 17 and has a Summer job - this year places are crying out for staff. I just about tolerate my 14 year old sitting about - I cannot imagine a 20 year old lazing about the house all Summer.

You don't sound like hard work at all

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 17/07/2021 12:07

Either let him move home and mooch about for summer - lower covid risk, or let him move in a get a job. Presumably your DH has had both jabs some time ago as CEV?

cadburyegg · 17/07/2021 12:08

YABU. He wants to come home. I went back to my parents home every summer. Would have been devastated if they said I couldn’t. I didn’t have a summer job between my 2nd and 3rd year either (I did before starting uni, and between my 1st and 2nd year), I was in a bad place mentally after going through a breakup. Coming back to his home a few times as a young adult doesn’t mean he’s going to be living at home when he’s 30. I lived at home on/off from when I started uni at 19 and the last time I lived at home I was 25. It’s perfectly normal now with living costs being so high.

You sound mean tbh. I’m sure you can find another area for your workspace for the summer, I mean you did last year. So what if he changed his mind?

But your OH needs to make sure he pulls his weight round the house.

nokidshere · 17/07/2021 12:10

My two are both home for the summer. I don't 'look after' them, they pretty much do all their own stuff plus doing extras for me (like shopping etc). One has a part time job but neither ask me for money. I provide the basics and they pay for their own lifestyles. If they need more money then they have to work. They aren't always good at seeing for themselves what needs doing around the house but they never argue when I ask or remind them to do something

As far as 'expectations' go, anyone can expect anything but that doesn't mean you have to say yes. The onus is on you to not be available for the things you don't want to do

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2021 12:11

I think there's an enormous difference between relaxing and not getting a summer job, and not pulling your weight around the house and making life difficult for the other adults. I think it's unfair to say OP sounds cold and unwelcoming towards a 20 year old who behaves this way. Yes, it is normal for people in their 20s to continue living at home, but they do need to let go of their selfish childish behaviour, in my opinion. He is of the age where if you are behaving like a slob all summer, making mess and not tidying it up, then of course you will start to out stay your welcome.

The fact that young people have been priced out of getting their own place so need to stay at home does not mean they should behave like teenagers indefinitely.

cadburyegg · 17/07/2021 12:12

By the way, I’ve worked on/off since I was 16 and ive been in steady employment since the autumn I left uni when I was 22. By the time I was 30 I was married with 2 kids and we’d just bought our second house. I’m in a decent career now. So no, having a summer off doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be living at home at 30 still without a job.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2021 12:12

Has your own adult DD lost her room and can’t go to the pub etc?

Fairyliz · 17/07/2021 12:15

Ask yourself honestly what would you do if this was your child, then do that.

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 12:18

@0None0

Coming home for the summer at 20 is completely normal. Relaxing abs seeing friends is very important. Hospitality jobs are awful for students, unless they are within east well lit walking distance if home. You can easily spend more getting a taxi home at 3am than you make e we irking 7pm to 3am. It’s pointless and not something I encourage

YABVU

This. Presumably he’ll be at his mum’s some of the time?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 17/07/2021 12:20

I think it's really shitty to tell a uni kid that they are basically unwelcome at their parent's house because step mum wants their bedroom for an office and them behaving like a normal 20 year old pisses you off. You don't want the Covid risk but you also want him to work? Whatever this kid does is going to be wrong by you! At this age they are allowed to chill over the summer.

Also just because he has a room at his mum's, it doesn't make his dad exempt from parenting or providing a home. Mum should not be the default that you can offload all responsibility onto - this boy has two parents.
If you need to WFH, then do it in your bedroom, like all the other people who don't have offices at home.
What is reasonable is expecting him to clear up after himself and to not expect lifts at inconvenient times.
This thread shows some really unkind attitudes to young adult children, especially step children, with suggestions of how to manipulate a kid into not coming home. Shame on all of you who do such things and shame on your spouse's if they allow their own children to be treated this way!

gogohm · 17/07/2021 12:20

Yes you are being unfair. University students usually come home and not all are able to find jobs. I have not only my dd here but dp's dd has decided to spend the summer with us too rather than her mum. It's called being parents

gogohm · 17/07/2021 12:22

Ps we don't expect them to contribute or cook but I do allocate chores! I also dispatch them to the shop for last minute things etc. (I prefer no one messes my kitchen!)

Jent13c · 17/07/2021 12:22

I will raise my 2 boys with the expectation that they should be working through the summer from 16. If that doesn't happen every year its not a big deal. But my brother is 32 and still lives at home and finally finished studying but only taking on small bits and pieces of part time work. He is not what you would call a grafter. He was a bit pushed for cash last year so decided to sell his car bought for him by my parents rather than get a part time job. Our parents spoiled us and wanted us to focus on uni rather than working along side and it has done us no good.

So YABU not having him home and making a deal about where he should stay etc. He should be made to feel welcome. But YANBU about getting a job. 4 months is a lot of downtime. Even if he got a 0 hours contract and worked maybe 10 hours a week.

CastawayQueen · 17/07/2021 12:24

You're being unfair.
The not helping out/lifts fine - you can solve that by giving him a rota and expecting him to get his own transport.
But he's on holiday - so what if he wants to laze around? It's normal. He's a 20 year old uni student.
If he has no job he has less money that's all. Nothing to do with you (and you didn't say he asked for money).

You just want his bedroom etc back. You don't seem to think he deserves to be in his father's house at all....

toocold54 · 17/07/2021 12:29

I don't see the point of leaving a room empty for the handful of times he might stay.

How long is he planning to stay the entire summer or just a handful of times?
If it’s the entire summer then I’d say YANBU but if he’s planning to stay at his mums too and just come to yours a handful of times as you say then YABU.

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