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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult stepson & summer hols

267 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:43

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

OP posts:
0None0 · 17/07/2021 14:23

Have you thought about where he will live when he graduates? It’s common for any young professionals to need to live at home with parents while saving up for a deposit on a house

30degreesandmeltinghere · 17/07/2021 14:24

Still confused!!

CaraherEIL · 17/07/2021 14:24

Your SS didn’t choose to have two homes his parents made that choice so that isn’t a factor. Choosing to remove one of those homes when he wants to come home is mean.

ForgotAboutThis · 17/07/2021 14:26

But does staying during the holidays mean he has to have his own room? Can he share with someone?

CaraherEIL · 17/07/2021 14:27

Asking for help around the house, tidying up, being respectful all very normal expectations, removing his right to stay there is not.

Zilla1 · 17/07/2021 14:29

Perhaps they can see a difference, OP, just don't agree that this should still lead to your DP and you choosing to do what you want. Perhaps their judgment and experience can see the possible consequences although it will depend on your DP and his son's relationship and your relationship with him.

Regarding your DD, you might be surprised. IME, almost all returned home for at least part of the Summer between Y1 and Y2 and between Y2 and Y3 of their undergraduate degrees unless they worked in an internship for the whole Summer. COVID has perhaps changed some things but might have made a return home more likely given it's relative impacts on travel, employment in university towns, homestudy and suchlike.

I've seen students spend the whole of the last year studying from home. Before that, I've seen students returning home to save for deposits or to make internships or badly paid entry-level work affordable.

Good luck though you seem convinced you're right. Why did you post? Were you expecting everyone to agree with you? How much are you hanging on your presumptions about what a student should do and how much about your expectations of rooms for non-resident children across households?

TillyTopper · 17/07/2021 14:34

You sound a bit towards him OP, sorry if I have that wrong and you don't think that's the case. I have 2 sons, both at uni. One has 'found his way' more quickly and has a job, enjoys earning money, does lots of stuff. The other seems to just like being with us, he'll cook the odd meal for us, he sweet to his gran (who lives here), but no job. I think that's fine, I'm happy they want to be here with us and enjoy having them around. Perhaps he just wants the comfort being being near his dad?

ohthatbloodycat · 17/07/2021 14:41

YABU and unfair. This would be a very different story if he was your child.

CaraherEIL · 17/07/2021 14:41

So when your DD is 20 if she wants to come home from uni in the holidays you will tell her no. I don’t believe that, I believe you will remove your SS from the equation and then by the time DD is 20 it will be fine for her to come home every holiday and your SS staying there will be old news.

Nancydrawn · 17/07/2021 14:42

There are several different factors at play here.

First, it's not at all unreasonable that he comes home for the summer. This is to be expected of all uni students; many of them don't have summer leases anyway.

Second, it's also not unreasonable to expect that he finds some sort of occupation for the summer, paid or unpaid. He needs it for his CV as much as anything else. If he doesn't need funds and doesn't like the paid work options, he needs to be doing unpaid work (either as an intern or a volunteer).

Third, there's a bit of logical tension in what you're saying. On one hand, you want him out of the house and working; on the other, you don't want him in a place with a higher Covid risk because of your husband.

If shielding is important, then #2 goes out the window. You can't simultaneously be annoyed with him for not working and be annoyed that he might work outside the home. Well, I suppose you can, but that's only if you don't think he should be anywhere near your house in the summer at all, and that's not a fair solution.

Lovesacake · 17/07/2021 14:55

I think you’re being v harsh, it’s normal to go home from uni in the holidays. Why can’t your husband swap with you so he works in the bedroom and you get the downstairs space?

cadburyegg · 17/07/2021 14:57

Sorry OP but a lot of students come home from the summer holidays and even - shock horror - after graduation, not all of them get jobs straight away.

I don’t think the “resident parent” term is useful here, generally that term is used when talking about younger children in regards to maintenance, benefits etc?

I wfh in my bedroom and it sucks but I do it so my DC can have their own bedrooms.

Hankunamatata · 17/07/2021 14:58

He should have a bed at his dad until he is working with his own place.

Hankunamatata · 17/07/2021 14:59

Could you out a high sleeper in his room so your desk could go underneath?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 17/07/2021 15:03

I can't get on board with charging 'board and lodgings' either. He's not moving to a B&B with a total stranger landlady - this is his father's house.
I would work from the bedroom or get DH to, for the summer. It's not ideal, but better than making one of your kids feel unwelcome. Get him to clear up after himself, encourage a summer job - you don't have to top up his income or ferry him around anymore than you would your daughter. But you should feed and house him - that's basic parenting.
What you do now will set the tone for the future relationship between your step son and you and his dad. It will also have implications for your marriage if you treat your husband's son as less than your daughter. And tbh would you want a man who was happy to let that happen?
Your DD should have a space in her father's house. Doesn't matter that he's NRP, he's still her dad.

TheWatersofMarch · 17/07/2021 15:06

I was a step child. My step mum, though brilliant in some ways, didn't understand that part of being a proper parent is to provide a home for your child and my father, who I think did, did not continue to provide a home for us as the house was the home of my half siblings. Children of separated parents should have two parents and two homes. My brother and I were always guests at our Dad's home and because of that our visiting dropped significantly in our teens and beyond. Your DH needs to make sure he is providing a home for his DS until DS has his own home. I know this is a nuisance for you, but that box room is your DSS's bedroom. Fair enough to use it as an office when he's at Uni but don't kick him out of it.

rookiemere · 17/07/2021 15:07

Your DH needs to start working in the bedroom and you downstairs.
It's possible for the box room to get a fold up desk and fold down bed, that way both needs can be accommodated.

But yes the bottom line is that a student should be able to stay with his DF in the holidays. Doesn't mean he shouldn't get a job or do his share of chores though.

KarmaStar · 17/07/2021 15:10

He should always be welcome I really think it's sad he's not wanted because it's inconvenient.I cannot imagine this happening .

Crankley · 17/07/2021 15:19

Gosh you're brave, OP. Stepmothers on here are always treated as if they are evil and hateful, especially by the women whose DHs/DPs left them for other women who then become stepmothers to their children.

I wouldn't have a 20 year old laybout in my house. He either gets a job or you place a list on his door of his housekeeping duties and no more lifts to and fro. With any luck he will go and live with his mother.

FrameyMcFrame · 17/07/2021 15:22

Oh god, I feel sorry for him if that's your attitude.

I think it's absolutely normal to come home in the holidays from uni. I did, didn't you?

MichelleScarn · 17/07/2021 15:23

@QuaffleyGood

From your other posts your daughter isn't much younger than DSS. Would you agree with her father's partner changing her room to an office? Or would you feel that she was being pushed away and feel upset for her.

DSS feeling like a valued member of the family should be the priority.

And in the other posts you complain about reminding your 12yo SS to pick up his packed lunch, and how unfair this is as your so busy getting you and your DD (then 16) ready to leave In the morning. Do you just see your step sons as annoying baggage? I do think step parents get a raw deal at times on here but when people post things like this it doesn't help!
Ghosttile · 17/07/2021 15:50

The job is a red herring. The OP wants him to get a job elsewhere so he won’t be in her house. She wants him to stay in his University town.

He did have a job last summer but she’s still complaining because he ‘laid about’ in his room when he wasn’t at work. She’s also said he’s a risk working in hospitality because her partner is CEV.

Comeondoit · 17/07/2021 15:54

@Ghosttile

The job is a red herring. The OP wants him to get a job elsewhere so he won’t be in her house. She wants him to stay in his University town.

He did have a job last summer but she’s still complaining because he ‘laid about’ in his room when he wasn’t at work. She’s also said he’s a risk working in hospitality because her partner is CEV.

Yes, OP just doesn't want him in 'her' house by the sound of it.

My parents have always keep their home open to me. I haven't needed it for over 25 years but knowing it was there for me gave me the confidence to strike out on my own.

Heyha · 17/07/2021 15:55

I lived at home while at uni so a bit different but I think the starting point to your conversations is that, yes, although he's welcome to visit and his bed is still there, you will be (compulsorily) working from home in his room from X o clock to Y and so he will need to think about how he is going to get around and fill his days when he is home.

I'd go from there then tbh- if he comes up with constructive ways to spend his days while you're both unavailable to butler for him then it would be unreasonable to say no to him. He might amend his plans based on new info, but whatever happens he won't physically be able to laze in his pit or expect much of a taxi service so that's those two problems naturally quite reduced.

Comeondoit · 17/07/2021 15:57

@Heyha

I lived at home while at uni so a bit different but I think the starting point to your conversations is that, yes, although he's welcome to visit and his bed is still there, you will be (compulsorily) working from home in his room from X o clock to Y and so he will need to think about how he is going to get around and fill his days when he is home.

I'd go from there then tbh- if he comes up with constructive ways to spend his days while you're both unavailable to butler for him then it would be unreasonable to say no to him. He might amend his plans based on new info, but whatever happens he won't physically be able to laze in his pit or expect much of a taxi service so that's those two problems naturally quite reduced.

That's really, really unkind, unsettling and unwelcoming.