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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult stepson & summer hols

267 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:43

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 17/07/2021 13:22

You take your dhs work spot and your dh sorts the work/sleep arrangements is only fair. I’d do minimal taxiing, we lived at home at that age and didn’t get to assume our parents would drop us anywhere.

HirplesWithHaggis · 17/07/2021 13:23

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

As for getting a live in hospitality job, do you actually hear yourself? No wonder so many kids and families are messed up

It's what I did when I went to Uni at 17. Was an excellent experience with genuine learning opportunities. Evil indeed.

crimsonlake · 17/07/2021 13:27

OP's posts make for sad reading, my two have left uni now and are fully immersed in the world of work. I would love to go back to the time they used to come home for the Summer.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2021 13:31

It seems a bit unfair for costs to be split three ways when two of the adults in the house are presumably earning adult wages

Plus I’d imagine the adult daughter isn’t paying a third currently and all the children deserve to be treated the same.

ForgotAboutThis · 17/07/2021 13:34

Hanging out in a house where 2 adults are WFH and presumably need a certain amount of quiet is hardly going to be very appealing anyway.

AgathaAllAlong · 17/07/2021 13:37

You leave him his room and move into that office in september. It's only 6 weeks. He needs to feel that he still has a home, it's normal for students to come home in the summer.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 13:38

@AgathaAllAlong

You leave him his room and move into that office in september. It's only 6 weeks. He needs to feel that he still has a home, it's normal for students to come home in the summer.

I've thought of doing that but then don't we have the same problem at the next holiday? How long are we expected to keep the room vacant?

OP posts:

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 17/07/2021 13:47

You don't need to leave it vacant surely, wouldn't it be possible to temporarily move back to working in your bedroom next summer? Get a single futon bed or similar for him so it doesn't take up too much space the rest of the year?

CorvusPurpureus · 17/07/2021 13:55

Can you put a high sleeper with a desk under it in the room?

Then you (or dh; I agree he should really be the one giving up his work space) can use it as an office, but there's a bunk there for DSS to crash when he's not at his mum's.

House rule that he has to be out of the room during office hours - this might also encourage him to get a job, if he's not just there for odd nights.

I know it's not ideal, but might get you through the next few years.

QuaffleyGood · 17/07/2021 13:56

From your other posts your daughter isn't much younger than DSS. Would you agree with her father's partner changing her room to an office? Or would you feel that she was being pushed away and feel upset for her.

DSS feeling like a valued member of the family should be the priority.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 13:58

@QuaffleyGood

DSS feeling like a valued member of the family should be the priority.

My daughter just turned 18 and she doesn't even have a room at her dad's house. She's here full time.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2021 13:59

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Tell him great - alll chores and meal cooking can be split 3 ways now but how will he be paying board? And the WiFi is pay per use also. And mean all of it... My ds is in the army. Coughs up when he stays home though. And cooks!!

Who charges children still in education, board?

bumblingbovine49 · 17/07/2021 14:02

He is 20. Do you not think you are catastrophising saying , he might still be at home at 30 if you don't force him to be completely independent right away .

That doesn't mean you have to passively accept him doing nothing around the house

How about talking to him and setting so e ground rules and rotas for cooking,.cleaning washing etc. Make it clear if he repeats last year, he will have to go.back.to his uni accommodation over the summer. Just give him a chance first

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2021 14:03

OP, It's not your SS fault he's got a decent father.

Your home is his jome

Ideasplease322 · 17/07/2021 14:07

@Nanny0gg

OP, It's not your SS fault he's got a decent father.

Your home is his jome

This

Your ex is clearly an arse. Doesn’t mean your current husband also needs to be.

Your husband should have a place in his home for his son.

MarianneUnfaithful · 17/07/2021 14:09

I've thought of doing that but then don't we have the same problem at the next holiday? How long are we expected to keep the room vacant?

I will keep a room for my student offspring until they have the first job that enables them to afford a place of their own.
And even then I would do my best to make room if they need to save for a deposit etc.

Life is not easy for this generation. Are they now being pushed out because employers suddenly demand that employees have a house big enough to use instead of them providing an office?

LemonSherbetFancies · 17/07/2021 14:12

DP's son is in this position. We love having him though and won't be long until he graduates so making the most of the family time.

ForgotAboutThis · 17/07/2021 14:13

Why can't he share with his brother?

CaraherEIL · 17/07/2021 14:16

So your daughter lives with you full time, when she leaves for uni, will you bag up her room and turn it into something else or because she has a shared house at uni will you still allow her to come home?
If she is 18 when is she leaving for uni? Why are there not the same question marks over her ongoing living situation. Using your criteria if you really do treat them equally then you will have 2 rooms free in Sept. Or is your biological daughter getting preferential treatment. You need to really examine your motivation here.
It is not your SS fault that your ex has not provided space for his own daughter.

TiredButDancing · 17/07/2021 14:17

I do think you're being a bit mean. Expecting a young adult to contribute to the household by not making life harder for the parents/step parents is completely different to basically telling him "that's it, you can't come back." It's really not his fault that you want a room for your work. Was you r plan that he just would never sleep over ever again? Like, "you're 20 now, so that's it, you can visit, by appointment, that's it."

Agree with PP that I don't understand the attitude of just tossing kids out when they're 18. I'm not saying that he should still be treated like a child (and the lifts would be an absolute no brainer - they have to stop. He learns to drive and gets a car, gets a bicycle, walks or takes the bus - he can't be using the lift club of mum and dad forever), but that doesn't mean he should be relegated to occasional visitor.

I'm 45 and obviously don't have a room in my parents house, but I can still "go home" and be treated as more than a guest!

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 14:19

Do people not see a difference between the fact that I am the resident parent for my daughter, but DH is not RP for his son? I just seriously wonder why a 20 year old needs a room in two houses.

My DD goes to uni in Sept. I expect she'll come home the first summer like SS did but when she's 20? Not so much.

OP posts:

CaraherEIL · 17/07/2021 14:22

No there is no difference your SS should be able to reside full time with his dad through uni holidays until her graduates the same as your daughter can. Everyone I knew went home for the holidays all through uni. Because your ex has absented himself doesn’t mean that your SS shouldn’t be able to live with his dad.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 17/07/2021 14:22

Surely it isn't much to expect a 20 yo to get a summer job and contribute to his board and lodgings?

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2021 14:22

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Do people not see a difference between the fact that I am the resident parent for my daughter, but DH is not RP for his son? I just seriously wonder why a 20 year old needs a room in two houses.

My DD goes to uni in Sept. I expect she'll come home the first summer like SS did but when she's 20? Not so much.

Well no. Not if you make her as welcome as your SS

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2021 14:23

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Surely it isn't much to expect a 20 yo to get a summer job and contribute to his board and lodgings?

Not when he already has student loans

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