Adult stepson & summer hols

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

Also to add - Is your underlying fear that SS may come back to live with you as he won't get a job straight after uni?
What are his career plans etc and have you spoken to him about it?
While I can't abide by all this 'move back home and figure it out' nonsense you don't know for sure that he doesn't have any plans.
Make sure you clarify expectations. That if he moves back home etc he will be expected to pay his way like any other adult.

When I was at uni everyone went home for summer, it would have been crap to stay.

So absolutely normal to come home - I don’t you need worry about his thirties just yet!

He does need to get a job though - also perfectly normal. And why doesn’t he drive? My parents forced us all to learn to drove at 17. It’s a really important life skill. There’s a project for this summer.

Talk to him about accommodation. He’s an adult. Th hous has had to change because of COVID. What exposure does your husband tolerate - what rules will need to be in pace.

Going against the grain here, but this manchild has the choice of not one home for the summer, but three. He has accommodation in the uni town (where there will be jobs), a room at his mum's house, and the room OP needs in her house. What's wrong with the other two?

@WimpoleHat

“Smashing, SS - it’ll be great to see you. This summer’s going to need a bit more planning, though - because Covid etc. What days are you planning on working as I’m using your room as an office and will need to sort logistics and a rota for house chores etc etc etc….”

Bet he decides to stay at university!

This.

We turned DC1's bedroom into a full-time office once they no longer lived here – they're in full-time employment and renting with a couple of friends.

But if they needed to return home because they lost their job, for example, the room would swiftly be turned back into a bedroom because, you know, they're my child. That will remain true however old they are.

Hirples what's wrong with the other two is that he doesn't want to be in his uni town - he would like to come home, which is the place his parents are. That is either his mum's house or his dad's. He has a right to be in either

Good God, do people really pay 20 year olds to do housework?
Why are people recommending talking to him as if he is an infant?
20 year olds who are not in uni and are working are adults, but staying in education means you get to hang on to your youth or something?
DSS is welcome to stay, but not welcome to slob about and expect a cook/cleaner/chauffeur. That's perfectly reasonable.

Where am I working now: in the corner of our bedroom. Not ideal but while it was temporary I managed. However I don't sleep well and having my work in my bedroom is not helping. My office is being sold and I have no choice but to WFH permanently so I need a permanent space for full time working.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Where am I working now: in the corner of our bedroom. Not ideal but while it was temporary I managed. However I don't sleep well and having my work in my bedroom is not helping. My office is being sold and I have no choice but to WFH permanently so I need a permanent space for full time working.

But your partner has a son who is not yet settled and independent.

Unless you alone pay for the house, and it’s in your sole name, then of course this young adults need for a home trumps your preference for not working in the same room that you sleep in

It sounds very mean. The bedroom is empty all day, presumably.

Speaking as a volunteer working with young rough sleepers, this is exactly how it happens

I feel that if this situation occurred with your children, you would be more accommodating. I came home to my parents whilst at uni every summer, that’s a normal expectation for most students. Regarding his contribution to chores, cooking etc - that should be discussed and a rota in place. If other children in the household attend school then COVID risk is present anyway. My approach to my kids when they are that age is that they won’t stop being my children when they turn 18 or 20. The ferrying around needs discussing as his mum could maybe do some of it, so it’s not all on you?

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Hirples what's wrong with the other two is that he doesn't want to be in his uni town - he would like to come home, which is the place his parents are. That is either his mum's house or his dad's. He has a right to be in either

I query the word "right", there. Three homes to choose from, "privilege" seems more like it.

He's an adult. He can see OP needs her office. He could try putting his desire to lazy arse around all summer to one side, and consider the needs of other family members.

It is awful to not let him come home for the summer and imo if you go ahead it will irrevocably damage the relationship. I’m sure there are a lot of future live events you may want to be part of - weddings, being involved with gc - by alienating him now you will only alienate yourself further down the line. My DH actively stopped his Mum seeing our DS after he was born because the birth stirred up similar types of trauma for him (Mil didn’t let DH come home for summer at all as it was more convenient for his siblings; and left him out in all sorts of other ways too).

Your other posts mentioned you are worried your DDs dad is pushing her out etc and she’s an adult so surely you would want to ensure your husbands child doesn’t feel he can’t come home or he has no place there.

It’s only fair if your adult daughter has a room he does too.

Set up the office in the living room if a desk makes it impossible to sleep in one room.

Just a thought, he could get himself a live-in job in hospitality, problem solved. Money, a roof over his head, freedom, and company all summer. Perfect.

@HirplesWithHaggis

Just a thought, he could get himself a live-in job in hospitality, problem solved. Money, a roof over his head, freedom, and company all summer. Perfect.

But why should he? He wants to come HOME.

Tell your DH he needs to be the person sorting out the new bedroom/ work space arrangements. You need to move downstairs to where he is currently working in the house. then stand back and leave it to him. It’s his son his decision.

Hirples yep he's so 'privileged' his bedroom is being turned into an office and his step mum is on MN seeking help in how best to make the poor sod feel so unwelcome at home that he stays away!

When parents are divorced, both the mum's and the dad's houses should be home. You seem to think that mum's is the default. Hopefully she doesn't also have a spouse plotting how to make her child leave!

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Tell him great - alll chores and meal cooking can be split 3 ways now but how will he be paying board? And the WiFi is pay per use also. And mean all of it... My ds is in the army. Coughs up when he stays home though. And cooks!!

It seems a bit unfair for costs to be split three ways when two of the adults in the house are presumably earning adult wages.

Op I think you are being unfair on him.

Being away at uni can be stressful, it's important that students feel they have home support. Especially after this last year. And it's not as if he can travel very easily atm. Many students have had a horrible time away.

Twenty year olds are adults but they can be still quite emotionally immature. it's likely he will interpret his father's and your reluctance to have him at home as a personal rejection of him. Tbh though his dad should be sorting this out, not you.

As for getting a live in hospitality job, do you actually hear yourself? No wonder so many kids and families are messed up

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

As for getting a live in hospitality job, do you actually hear yourself? No wonder so many kids and families are messed up

I know , that was a totally evil suggestion

Who is paying for the uni house that he was so keen to stay in over the summer?

@Amammi

Tell your DH he needs to be the person sorting out the new bedroom/ work space arrangements. You need to move downstairs to where he is currently working in the house. then stand back and leave it to him. It’s his son his decision.

This, absolutely! People are focusing entirely on the DSS but actually I agree with you that working and sleeping in the same room is really bad for MH, even worse when you have issues around sleep. Your DH should take the brunt of that, and you should get the downstairs space.

Just a thought, he could get himself a live-in job in
hospitality, problem solved. Money, a roof over his head
freedom, and company all summer. Perfect

How nice for him to be pushed out when he wants to come home.

These comments make me sad for my own youth. I moved out at 16 and have been supporting myself ever since. When I literally had no money once and no food in the house, I called my mum to ask for help and she said I had to live by the choices I made, so no. I guess she didn’t love me. Still it’s made me far more resilient and self reliant which are important life skills.

So based on that, I think I’d land somewhere in the middle. He can come home, but must get a job, no more lifts, and must contribute around the house. At 20, he’s not a kid anymore, and it’s not mean to teach him to be more independent.

@ledesertsacre

Who is paying for the uni house that he was so keen to stay in over the summer?

Student loans.