Adult stepson & summer hols

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

But why can’t your husband work in the bedroom so you can have the downstairs space where your husband currently works?? Then no one needs to use SS bedroom?

Because it’s easy to swish a few hairs away than drag her out of bed.

Dh leaves his disgusting beard hairs everywhere. That really does my head in. But if they’re in the sink l just wash them away

Ok then so I'll cook, clean and do laundry for an extra adult and not expect him to lift a finger because he's studying in term time. It's not like I have a demanding full time job or anything

There’s a big difference between having someone to stay and doing everything for them, surely there is a balance?
He also has a dad, your DP so why are you doing everything anyway?

OP, no one has said you're unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight around the house. You just say to him 'of course it would be lovely to have you home, but your father and I are busy working so you will need to clean up after yourself, get your own lunch, sort out your own washing and not rely on us for lifts.' All totally reasonable.

What is unreasonable is not providing him with a place to stay. And I'm sorry but that is unreasonable even if you had other plans for the room, those will simply have to be put on hold for a few weeks.

@Lovesacake

But why can’t your husband work in the bedroom so you can have the downstairs space where your husband currently works?? Then no one needs to use SS bedroom?

My husband's work stuff would take up more space than mine and would be even more intrusive in our bedroom.

OP, no one has said you're unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight around the house. You just say to him 'of course it would be lovely to have you home, but your father and I are busy working so you will need to clean up after yourself, get your own lunch, sort out your own washing and not rely on us for lifts.' All totally reasonabl
.....as a parent I like helping with laundry and cooking for my kids when they come home from uni.... it seems sad that you're not even a bit helpful?
Obviously no one likes being a doormat and doing everything but there's a balance to be struck. It's quite normal to go through this stuff with your newly adult kids.
What's not normal is to say you'd rather they didn't come home and turn their bedroom into your office

What's not normal is to say you'd rather they didn't come home and turn their bedroom into your office

Real jobs have real deadlines and real customers. It can be quite problematic to have that dominating your sleep space for years on end. In effect you never rest.

OP, will your DH's work gear fit in the bedroom you were going to use as an office? If so, let him take the heat and get his son out of bed in time each morning. Son has bed, DH has 'office', you have work space not in the bedroom. And by a happy coincidence, DSS is also available for work in normal hours!

Less of the house elf stuff. DH needs to step up and take the pressure off you.

It is perfectly normal to come home every summer when at university. You would be very unreasonable indeed to stand in the way of this.

But it is fine to lay down some rules about his pulling his weight.

As to your DH being CEV; surely that’s a decision for your DH and a discussion he needs to have with his son as to what he wants him to do to keep safe?

@thing47

OP, no one has said you're unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight around the house. You just say to him 'of course it would be lovely to have you home, but your father and I are busy working so you will need to clean up after yourself, get your own lunch, sort out your own washing and not rely on us for lifts.' All totally reasonable.

What is unreasonable is not providing him with a place to stay. And I'm sorry but that is unreasonable even if you had other plans for the room, those will simply have to be put on hold for a few weeks.

Tbf, most posters are actually implying that OP should not be bothered by his slobbishness.

is that DH is CEV so if SS goes back to his pub job/out with mates etc we have the added covid risk to consider.. This is important. If he wants to stay at yours, rather than his moto, then there need to be some ground rules and your DH needs to step up and have an adult discussion with him.
A) What CEV means to your DH and that his son needs to be responsible - regular testing, masks, social distancing

B) no driving him anywhere unless it’s convenient. None of this “running around” after him

C) your DSS does his fair share of housework

D) arrangements for YOU to have an appropriate working space and clear guidelines that you are working and not your DSS’ skivvy

But his father really needs to lay this out. Fully and properly - at 20 something, his son has 2 homes and your DH doesn’t need to be a Disney dad.

And your DH should be properly aware that this is your only home - and your work place as well.

Your DSS sounds a bit haphazard and immature, which can often make young people behave selfishly. It’s not necessarily deliberate, but he needs pulling up on his assumptions.

Apart from anything else, if he has very little work experience while at university, this will be an issue when he’s applying for graduate jobs.

He also needs to learn to drive

I’ve seen this situation in several threads and I’m confused as to what is acceptable to expect anymore. At what age can you expect/consider a son/daughter fully grown and capable of being independent? If not 20, 24, 28, into their 30’s? I thought the idea was that kids were taught how to take care of themselves as they grew up - washing clothes (age 10), cooking (14-16) etc. So that by 18 they were ready to launch into bills, working, living away from home but this idea seems to not be the case any more? I also see a lot of “but they’re a young 22”? By 20 I would expect there to be a room available in one house but would expect that to be a safety net/base for visiting (I.e a spare room where others can also stay) rather than an expectation that it be theirs to make them feel welcome and part of the family? I can see why it’s become more normalised for kids (30 year olds) never to try to leave home as it’s never an expectation.

Tbf, most posters are actually implying that OP should not be bothered by his slobbishness.

Fair point, Sofa, I was just trying to address the possibility of a middle ground between OP's expectations and what most people on this thread think is reasonable.

I don't think the OP has to accept the slobbishness, much less facilitate it, but I do feel a child (or stepchild's) need for a bed supersedes their parent's desire for a more comfortable workspace (and yes we have 2 people WFH in this family too).

And all this hyperbole about it being for months or years on end is ridiculous; it's going to be for about 6 weeks then OP can have her expanded workspace.

@thing47 that's fair enough but what about when he wants to come home for Christmas? Will I still be evil then? Anyway have decided to leave it til Sept to convert the room but after that it's my office. He has a bedroom at his mum's - my need is greater than his.

And it's entirely impossible to buy a foldaway computer desk/bed combo so your DSS could stay over for one or two nights at Christmas or are you planning to work 365 days a year?

Look I get it you need a study, but there are way to do that without completely closing the door on DSS staying over for the odd night to see his DF.

Tbh if we’re 20, I’d be having very serious thoughts about continuing a relationship with a father who is seemingly happy to pander to a stepmother kicking up a fuss about me staying for the summer (which is perfectly normal for students).

And to say ‘what about when he wants to come home for Christmas?’ like he’s an unwanted pest rather than your DH’s son is really nasty.

The wicket stepmother image is a tired trope, but you can see where it comes from seeing threads like this.

that's fair enough but what about when he wants to come home for Christmas?

Surely he’d be welcomed home at Christmas time regardless of sleeping arrangements?!

@Ohanaa

Tell him you have changed the room to a office space as he wasn’t coming back and he can stay at his mums.

That’s so sad, it’s (one of) his home(s) :(

@chocolatesaltyballs22 why can’t the room be both your office and his bedroom with the proviso that he only uses it to sleep in?

This is what my parents have done.

You don’t speak kindly of the stepson but to be fair to you nobody could have predicted WFH and that extra bedrooms would now be needed as office space. It seems ridiculous to keep a room free for a part time resident when full time people need it urgently.

Also as an aside I have no idea how everyone is coping with this. Will a 5 bed house become standard instead of a 3 bed to factor in everyone’s need for offices…?

A good part of the problem here seems to be your attitude tbh. You're not looking for alternatives, fitting a second bed in his brothers room or foldaway bed/desk in the box room. You dislike this young man and unfortunately that is probably just as obvious to him as to posters here.

This is an awful thread.

People charging their adult dc for WiFi which is a flat rate anyway.😢

People suggesting he finds a live in job to sort the problem.😢

The main thing is the lack of kindness or benevolence towards the ss. He don’t choose for his parents to divorce. He’s a victim of circumstance. He has 2 parents. So 2 homes, which he should be free to visit whenever he wants.

He can’t be that ‘lazy’ if he had a job last summer. Cut him some slack,

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

This is an awful thread.

People charging their adult dc for WiFi which is a flat rate anyway.😢

People suggesting he finds a live in job to sort the problem.😢

The main thing is the lack of kindness or benevolence towards the ss. He don’t choose for his parents to divorce. He’s a victim of circumstance. He has 2 parents. So 2 homes, which he should be free to visit whenever he wants.

He can’t be that ‘lazy’ if he had a job last summer. Cut him some slack,

You keep saying that as if that is the general tone of the thread, which is really not helpful. Hardly anyone has suggested anything that drastic, but the people suggesting milder compromise are getting drowned out by you pretending they're all talking about kicking him out onto the street.

I reread the thread before posting that. Yes, there were a lot of posts that showed kindness or realistic solutions.

But the reread just confirmed that the a lot of the posts were horrible. I’m a step mum. I’d never do what some of the people on her suggested to my ss.

The thread leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Also to be clear, am not going to resort to any of the drastic measures suggested. Will turn the room into an office at the end of Sept and if he wants to stay after that it'll be on an airbed in his brother's room.