Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

Adult stepson & summer hols

267 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:43

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

OP posts:

Valenciaoranges · 19/07/2021 10:32

I really don’t understand why it’s such a big deal for him to come home during the summer!? It’s a perfectly normal thing to do and I absolutely love my daughter being at home- I wish it was more often. You should be thankful you have a family you live with and share love and life with. Lots of us aren’t so lucky as we don’t have partners etc. Our children are so precious.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 19/07/2021 10:41

YABU he is part of the family. Why shouldn't he come home for a few weeks to spend time with his dad, siblings and even his miserable step mother. No reason to think a 20 year old would be a total waste of space, as you are predicting.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 19/07/2021 10:49

Plus, visiting family at Xmas is totally normal.

rookiemere · 19/07/2021 10:55

Well that's nice - nothing screams valued family member as much as an airbed.

hawkehurstgang · 19/07/2021 11:00

I don't know any uni students who didn't go home for summer.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/07/2021 11:00

Oh FFS he has his own room at his mum's. I'm not leaving a perfectly good room vacant for 90% of the year, for a grown adult. Hiding this now. Have had some helpful input from some of you - thankyou.

OP posts:

SuperCaliFragalistic · 19/07/2021 11:14

There is an obvious solution that includes putting a bed and a desk in the room and using it for work "90% of the year" but the truth is you just don't like having him around, as you have made perfectly clear.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/07/2021 11:26

Erm no, the room isn't big enough as I've already said. It's a small box room, and he's 6ft 2. A cabin bed type arrangement as some have suggested just won't work.

OP posts:

LittleGwyneth · 19/07/2021 11:32

I haven't RTFT but:

Coming home in the summer = normal

Not working and expecting your parents to drive you everywhere = not normal.

Jocasta2018 · 19/07/2021 11:34

I tried staying in my uni town one summer - I lasted 2 weeks as everyone I knew returned home to their parents! The town suddenly became very empty & lonely.
So I too went home & worked in the same factory as everyone else did - it was a school reunion in fact.
I didn't lounge around the house & I did pull my weight however so if your DSS does come back & stays, give him a list of chores.

thing47 · 19/07/2021 12:11

I'm not leaving a perfectly good room vacant for 90% of the year, for a grown adult

There's no need to do this, OP. You can use the room for 90% of the year and just change things around when he is home, surely? Or, maybe your DH could adapt!

Also, perfectly reasonable for you to ask for a bit more notice next time, as his decisions impact on yours and DH's work environment. Christmas break is only 2 weeks, 5 or 6 days of which are national holidays anyway.

pointythings · 19/07/2021 12:34

It's really normal for 2nd year students to come home. My DD is home. She's not working because a) she doesn't need to - her loans cover her needs due to her being a non-drinking vegetarian and b) she's already working on her dissertation.

You're right to think your DSS' laziness is not acceptable though. My DD absolutely pulls her weight around the house.

Ideasplease322 · 19/07/2021 13:03

Oh dear op. I don’t think anyone has suggested the room needs to be kept as a shrine😂. You can use it as an office when he isn’t there. That’s just common sense.

ShortBacknSides · 19/07/2021 14:17

I think that @chocolatesaltyballs22 has come in for a lot of unfair flak.

Her DSS has a permanent home with his mother. He also had announced he was staying in his university town for the summer, and so has that house also as a residence.

On that announcement, the OP and her DH made plans, which accommodated the fact that they both have to work from home (there's a whole other thread to be had about @chocolatesaltyballs22's employer's assumption that all employees have the resources to WFH permanently - I'd be a bit furious about that ...)

Then the DSS decides to change his mind, without really consulting anyone or taking into account the impact of his change of mind/action on other people.

At 20, and moving towards independence, he really needs his father to have a bit of a serious conversation about this. The DSS needs to understand that other people have work, and so on. And that if he does stay with them over the summer, he must pull his weight in terms of housework, cooking, and so on.

And the OP must stop running around after him, and certainly stop driving him. Two buses to get between his mother's and his father's houses is not a hardship.

No wonder you are a bit frustrated & exasperated, OP.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2021 14:20

Nearly all students come home for the holidays. I really don’t believe that for your own you’d not allow them a home aith you if they’d achieved second year of uni. Or maybe you would. But that’s not a common way to treat your kids.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/07/2021 14:22

Thankyou @ShortBacknSides, you have summed up the situation perfectly. His father has had a conversation with him about it.

OP posts:

CastawayQueen · 19/07/2021 15:05

@ShortBacknSides

I think that *@chocolatesaltyballs22* has come in for a lot of unfair flak.

Her DSS has a permanent home with his mother. He also had announced he was staying in his university town for the summer, and so has that house also as a residence.

On that announcement, the OP and her DH made plans, which accommodated the fact that they both have to work from home (there's a whole other thread to be had about @chocolatesaltyballs22's employer's assumption that all employees have the resources to WFH permanently - I'd be a bit furious about that ...)

Then the DSS decides to change his mind, without really consulting anyone or taking into account the impact of his change of mind/action on other people.

And the OP must stop running around after him, and certainly stop driving him. Two buses to get between his mother's and his father's houses is not a hardship.

No wonder you are a bit frustrated & exasperated, OP.

I think this is pretty obvious but that’s not what it’s about - OP’s solution is to have DS out of house rather than give him rules and consequences and that was what got loads of people’s backs up. Somewhere towards the end of the thread she was all ‘why so I have to do laundry etc for a grown man’ She doesn’t!

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread