You've only been together 9 months and he's quit a job and relocated to be with you?
How long did he have that job?
Why are you being his taxi service? Why are you doing all the chores if he isn't working?
I don't drink/smoke anything funky
Does that mean he does ?
Is he paying his way?
He is so kind and loving
In precisely what ways? Cos action talks more than fine words
You make being single sound like a penance! Being single can be awesome!
How long were you single before getting together and why did your last relationship end? Why did his last relationship end?
How long have you been sober?
He was supportive when I went through rehab
So you met him while still actively an addict and you've not even been sober a year? 6 months?
Surely your addiction counsellors warned you against major life decisions (like moving in with someone) in the 1st year of sobriety? They tend to warn against new relationships at all.
His weed smoking could well threaten your sobriety.
You need to focus on that right now. I would say also to not be working yourself to the bone and saving for a house just yet either. You're pushing yourself too hard. This is common in addicts. Step back, take a breath, get some more therapy if you're not already still in therapy.
You don't need all this stress
Honestly have some time being single, not working crazy amounts and focusing on getting healthy. I'm from a family FULL of addicts and I've seen certain patterns so so many times. The women addicts all you've said is sooooo familiar to me.
Sobriety is really hard to achieve but even harder to maintain. You're so early on in your sobriety journey you owe it to yourself to make your life as simple and stress free as possible.
The nature of addiction is that your boundaries are all wibbly. It takes time and work and self nurture to firm them up.
This is his first serious relationship? How old is he? How old was he when he started smoking weed?
As I'm sure you already know from therapy addiction can limit maturation psychologically.
Addicts seek to avoid the painful experiences that lead us to maturity. Understandable but not ideal of course.
You've done the right thing
Using your bastard radar analogy you don't need to disconnect it completely it needs a reboot. At the moment your firewalls are down, your anti virus software isn't working. Close down and reset - this will take you probably at least a year, more likely 2 or 3. But it's necessary.
Your health is far more important.
Focus on that for now.
Sounds like you've barely given yourself a breather. Everyone needs time and space when they're dealing with something as difficult as addiction or indeed other mental health issues.
I stayed single for nearly 3 years after my breakdown with a minor blip of starting a relationship that had no future which I knew from the beginning. I needed just to step back, focus on my health, just keep "putting one foot in front of the other" for a bit.
Wishing you well with maintaining your sobriety 