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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing my temper/shit with selfish OH

217 replies

Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 18:50

Posting before I explode and say unsayable things in haste!
My partner of 9 months is lovely - loyal, sensitive and calm (any more laidback and he'd be sat on a cloud strumming a harp) but fucking HELL is he selfish!
I've got a failed marriage behind me so am not sure if my bastard-radar is broken or I don't trust myself anymore so I thought I'd see what you lot think :)
I work 3 jobs from home (he is looking for work after relocating to be with me) and cook/clean/shop and skivvy in general. I'm usually knackered at weekends and just want to flop or go to the hairdressers and just chill. But we are always going to see his friends (me being the taxi service as he doesn't drive). I don't drink/smoke anything funky so I feel like the boring sensible one that has to concentrate on not getting lost on the M5/Mwhatever as I'm a bit of a nervy and slightly crap driver after he has had a wicked time with his friends. He buggers off on a Friday to stay with friends and I just catch up on sleep before picking him up the next day. Then another friend will come down on Sunday and around we go. He knows I work like a dog and am stressed from saving up for a house so I'm getting to the point of no return with frustration at having no 'me' time. I get the feeling he prefers being at his friends (one in particular I really dislike as he is rude and very arrogant towards women)
I'm too bloody old to go through shit like this and am trying to resist pressing the detonate button. It would make a nice explosion but sound like a wet fart after all is said and done! Do I push the buzzer on him?? Or AIBU?
Oh and sorry for the rant. I do want advice :)

OP posts:
worktrip · 16/07/2021 19:26

Just remember when he is getting his marching orders, even if he starts pulling his weight and acting like an adult (or promises to) he will slip back because if he had been a good un in the first place, you wouldn't be coping with his shit now. He started as he meant to go on.

Marmite27 · 16/07/2021 19:26

100% get rid!

Marmite27 · 16/07/2021 19:27

Plus if they’re smoking something ‘funky’ I’d you’re in the same area you could be affected by passive smoking and end up being done for drug driving.

Please be careful Flowers

InFiveMins · 16/07/2021 19:29

Sorry OP, he sounds awful and almost certainly a cocklodger.

Get rid now - you're being taken for a mug.

KirstenBlest · 16/07/2021 19:29

Doesn't work, doesn't drive, doesn't pull his weight at home, smokes stuff...

You've been targeted.

Bin him.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 16/07/2021 19:29

Go press that button OP. You'll welcome the feeling of relief once you've done it! Then wait until you're really on your feet and feeling like you can take on the world before you get involved with another man, or better still, stick with the dog idea, I have one at my feet currently looking at me with adoring eyes, and ready to jump to my every command, that's much better than the CF you've got hanging around.

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 19:30

God Marmite - I hadn't thought of that. He goes out usually to smoke so I'm not around it (Hate it anyway). Really happy with my sobriety so thanks with the heads up.....

OP posts:
billy1966 · 16/07/2021 19:30

Get his stuff together and have it ready at the door.

He saw you coming, that's for sure.

You deserve better.

AuntyFungal · 16/07/2021 19:32

” You are basically his mum dropping him at his mates to get wasted.”
SpacePotato

Sexy as fuck!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/07/2021 19:34

Unless he’s got a golden cock and can lick his eyebrows I can’t see the point of him. Actually, even then ...

nimbuscloud · 16/07/2021 19:36

There is nothing wrong with being single.

MzHz · 16/07/2021 19:36

Oh sweet lord. He’s about the worst of the cocklodgers I’ve ever seen on mumsnet!!

He has to go! You can’t possibly look yourself in the mirror knowing you actually not only tolerate this crap, you’re paying for it too!

Dear John text at the ready!

ChippyTea16 · 16/07/2021 19:38

Christ yes agree with pp get rid!! He’s not ‘lovely’ in the slightest and you deserve better

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 19:39

MzHz - I'll say what needs saying face to face (forces me to do it)
And I haven't been on mumsnet for about 2 years (missed it!) so if he's a bad cocklodger according to the horde I must be in fucking trouble.....

OP posts:
Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 19:41

@Idunnowhyibother

MzHz - I'll say what needs saying face to face (forces me to do it) And I haven't been on mumsnet for about 2 years (missed it!) so if he's a bad cocklodger according to the horde I must be in fucking trouble.....
But you had said you feel awful when he gets upset

He will get upset. Because he wants to manipulate you into giving in.

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 19:44

I'll have to grow a pair. I'm getting better at standing up for myself with the shit I've gone through. I know it'll be awful but I'm so scared this will be my life going forward I have to really. Can't be worse than detoxing!

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 16/07/2021 19:47

I’m not sure I have understood, are you saying that you drive him to his friends on a Friday, then drive home, then go and pick him up on a Sat as well? In addition to doing absolutely everything else? And he doesn’t work? I wouldn’t do this for a 15 yr old, let alone a grown man. Sorry but yes you need to change things straight away. Also yes I think you might benefit from some counselling or therapy in particular around setting boundaries as it’s not normal that things seem to have reached this stage.

Pinknoise · 16/07/2021 19:53

That is really shockingly bad.

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 19:54

Heronwatcher- agree totally. Have had therapy previously and the therapist told me I was so full of rage she could almost see it streaming off me. God knows where it all went.....

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 16/07/2021 19:56

My teenagers wouldn't get away with this shit, never mind a grown man.

He's using you.

As a house maid. As a landlord. As a bank. As a taxi service....

And likely getting his wick dibbed in the process.

The not just a cock lodger, he is THE COCK LODGER.

FFS get rid tonight and enjoy your weekend.

Of course he'll cry. He's losing a very nice set up isn't he.....

He's won't be crying over you though.

If he actually cared he'd have demonstrated it by wanting to spend time with you not his mates.

He'd be helping round the house and doing all he could whilst looking for work to take the pressure off you.

He didn't because he doesn't love you. He loves the lifestyle your money and effort is providing for him whilst giving nothing in return.

LucindaT71 · 16/07/2021 19:57

You sound more like his mother than his girlfriend.

So you drive him to his friends, where he drinks and (possibly?) does drugs or whatever.

He's unemployed but living with you, while you work your butt off to support him too?

Nope, sorry love, but there are far better men out there if you want a relationship.

CambsAlways · 16/07/2021 19:57

Get rid

Craftycorvid · 16/07/2021 19:57

Agree with pp who have pointed out that this feels more like a mother/child relationship than one between two equals. You were focussed on recovery when you met him so possibly not feeling like being critical or challenging but what happens when you say ‘no’? As in ‘no, I can’t collect you from your mates - how about getting a cab?’ Apologies to Atilla who generally asks this, but what did you learn about relationships growing up?

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 16/07/2021 19:58

He sounds like he is taking the absolute piss. Ok fine he is “looking for work”, but he should be at least helping around the house, and what’s the not driving thing all about? How old is he? And seriously what the actual fuck to giving him lifts to sleepovers at his mates then picking him up again the next day. I don’t know how this doesn’t massively put you off him. Seriously get rid of him, he sounds like a loser who is poncing off you.

Sally872 · 16/07/2021 20:02

Agree with the others he is taking advantage and bringing nothing to the relationship. Good luck with conversation.