Losing my temper/shit with selfish OH

[Idunnowhyibother]

Posting before I explode and say unsayable things in haste!
My partner of 9 months is lovely - loyal, sensitive and calm (any more laidback and he'd be sat on a cloud strumming a harp) but fucking HELL is he selfish!
I've got a failed marriage behind me so am not sure if my bastard-radar is broken or I don't trust myself anymore so I thought I'd see what you lot think :)
I work 3 jobs from home (he is looking for work after relocating to be with me) and cook/clean/shop and skivvy in general. I'm usually knackered at weekends and just want to flop or go to the hairdressers and just chill. But we are always going to see his friends (me being the taxi service as he doesn't drive). I don't drink/smoke anything funky so I feel like the boring sensible one that has to concentrate on not getting lost on the M5/Mwhatever as I'm a bit of a nervy and slightly crap driver after he has had a wicked time with his friends. He buggers off on a Friday to stay with friends and I just catch up on sleep before picking him up the next day. Then another friend will come down on Sunday and around we go. He knows I work like a dog and am stressed from saving up for a house so I'm getting to the point of no return with frustration at having no 'me' time. I get the feeling he prefers being at his friends (one in particular I really dislike as he is rude and very arrogant towards women)
I'm too bloody old to go through shit like this and am trying to resist pressing the detonate button. It would make a nice explosion but sound like a wet fart after all is said and done! Do I push the buzzer on him?? Or AIBU?
Oh and sorry for the rant. I do want advice :)

Hes moved in with you and you've only known each other 9 months?

Ripples101- just managing to not cry with your post. So true. There has been gold amongst the shit but like most people have said this is not a partnership. It is so unequal.

What is the actual point of him? What a loser he sounds.

You sound like a mum to a young teen..
Needs driving to friends house at weekends, doesn't do chores, not contributing financially..

I think your username says it all.

I bet you he didn’t have a job to start with.

@Idunnowhyibother

Fuck. Fuck.Fuck. I have had one row with him and he was devastated and cried which really hurt to see. He is so kind and loving but so goddam selfish sometimes. It's like I have no compass with stuff like this and I don't know why!

Sounds manipulative to me

Can I be your partner? He has a lovely life!
I would say stop acting like his mum but I don’t even think any mums even get treated like this.
I do think 9months is quite soon to be living together but if he is otherwise a nice guy I would be stopping the weekend taxi driving immediately and get him to do all of the housework and cooking until he gets a job.

@Idunnowhyibother

AGirlCalledJonny- yep - sounds about right. I don't think my sobriety is at risk when he goes. Come to far to let that go. And I love cats! :) They are buggers at crashing zoom meetings and going on my keyboards though!

You know, it definitely doesn't sound like it's a risk, which is amazing and you're a super star! I thought it might be helpful for you to understand how you got into this situation in the first place if that doesn't sound too condescending

As a PP said, it might be good for you to have some more therapy and work on your boundaries. I had a cocklodger in my early 20s, took me a while to wake up to it. They are crafty fuckers and in all honesty, I don't think it was conscious. Yes he was kind and funny, but he was also a miserly, lazy, selfish fuck. It was a frog in a pot type thing, I didn't know how bad it was until it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I didn't date for a good long while after, and honestly I absolutely LOVED being single and didn't miss him a bit. Best of luck with punting his arse ASAP

9 months and you're writing this. Just get rid, its clearly not what either of you want, your just wasting your time. This relationship is going no where!

This is the male you need in your life right now
Send your manchild back to where he came from - if he really wants to be with you - he needs to only return with a job - pay 1/2 of the expenses and do 1/2 of the house work etc and learn to drive plus sort out a car etc
Do not settle for anything less
This is why I only live with cats and DS

^how you maybe got into this situation is what I meant. Obviously only you can know that. Sorry, I sounded like I was some all knowing twat there...

@JaceLancs

This is the male you need in your life right now Send your manchild back to where he came from - if he really wants to be with you - he needs to only return with a job - pay 1/2 of the expenses and do 1/2 of the house work etc and learn to drive plus sort out a car etc Do not settle for anything less This is why I only live with cats and DS

🥰🥰🥰 (nice nails too!)

@Idunnowhyibother

Fuck. Fuck.Fuck. I have had one row with him and he was devastated and cried which really hurt to see. He is so kind and loving but so goddam selfish sometimes. It's like I have no compass with stuff like this and I don't know why!

He knows exactly what he’s doing. The crying is part of it. Honestly, sack him off. 9 months in and you’re already dealing with this shit.

Just here to post support for you OP. You know you can do better. There are better men out there.

You get what you tolerate.

Why do you get out of this relationship?

Bloody hell. You pay for everything, you do everything and you are his personal chauffeur.

Cocklodger supreme. You're basically paying him (in cash and domestic services) to have sex with you if you think about it!

Good luck getting rid of him. Expect all hell to break loose. He won't want to lose the free life you give him.

🚨 🚨 🚨 COCKLODGER🚨🚨🚨

I work 3 jobs from home (he is looking for work after relocating to be with me) and cook/clean/shop and skivvy in general.

WTF?!!?

OP, ask yourself one question.
Would YOU move into someone else's home, watch them work 3 jobs, & not lift a finger to take 50 - 100% of the skivvying off their hands?

Of course you bloody wouldn't.
You, my dear, have yourself a cocklodger.

Now ask yourself some more:

How long has he been actively seeking work?
How many hours a week does he spend applying/interviewing?
How much less tiring is that than working 3 jobs?
Who is paying all the bills?
Who is insisting on these exhausting weekends out with unpleasant people?

You're not working 3 jobs my dear, you are working 5.
3 paying, 1 unpaid chauffeur, & 1 unpaid skivvy & on-tap sex machine.

Has he ANY intention of paying his way, in money, labour, & emotional support? I suspect not. Only you can decide ...

PUT YOUR FEET UP & REFUSE TO LIFT A FINGER THIS WEEKEND.

AGirlCalledJohnny - I'm in a strong place with myself (recovery-wise!) and understanding I have a future that won't poleaxe me if I'm on my own. Someone mentioned (quite rightly) that my self esteem is low (fucking low) but I seem to get on ok despite that and don't really think about it . Think it's blatantly obvious I should address it.
But I'll deal with him first! He's taking his sweet time walking home. Maybe my text saying 'fucking walk' was a bit of a giveaway :)

It is insane how much of your life you're wasting. Nine months in and the relationship is total shit, yet here you still are. Honestly, it's madness. Kick him out and get therapy.

Good luck getting rid of him. Expect all hell to break loose. He won't want to lose the free life you give him.

Yup.
Prepare yourself for an Extinction Burst - www.greenmountaindaily.com/2011/03/12/the-extinction-burst/

I have had one row with him and he was devastated and cried which really hurt to see.

Devastated at losing his meal/roof/adulting/sex ticket.

He is manipulating you - he's just taught you not to challenge his wankery, or else his lip will wobble ...
Next step will be anger, indifference, & flouncing (unfortunately, only to return, once he's bunked over at his mate's house).

9 months is nothing!! Never ever move someone in that quickly again OP!

This is truly appalling. The stuff about him neither working nor pulling his weight with household stuff would be bad enough, but the fact that he then chooses to spend the time you’re off work without you AND expects you to act as his chauffeur taking him to spend time with people whose company he actually values is beyond belief.

I agree with other replies pointing out its pretty easy to be chilled when you’ve got zero responsibilities or reason to feel stressed, and someone else is running themselves ragged to make your life easy.

You deserve better. There are certainly better men out there, and if it’s what you want you will find someone who respect and values you. The fact you’ve managed to get involved with a couple of twats in a row doesn’t mean that’s all you’ll be able to find. It’s a combination of bad luck and bastards deliberately taking advantage of your good nature.

Congratulations on sobriety btw, what a massive achievement. If you’re strong enough to beat addiction you’re strong enough to do whatever you put your mind to.

Bzzzzzzzztttt. Stop wasting your precious life on this one.