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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing my temper/shit with selfish OH

217 replies

Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 18:50

Posting before I explode and say unsayable things in haste!
My partner of 9 months is lovely - loyal, sensitive and calm (any more laidback and he'd be sat on a cloud strumming a harp) but fucking HELL is he selfish!
I've got a failed marriage behind me so am not sure if my bastard-radar is broken or I don't trust myself anymore so I thought I'd see what you lot think :)
I work 3 jobs from home (he is looking for work after relocating to be with me) and cook/clean/shop and skivvy in general. I'm usually knackered at weekends and just want to flop or go to the hairdressers and just chill. But we are always going to see his friends (me being the taxi service as he doesn't drive). I don't drink/smoke anything funky so I feel like the boring sensible one that has to concentrate on not getting lost on the M5/Mwhatever as I'm a bit of a nervy and slightly crap driver after he has had a wicked time with his friends. He buggers off on a Friday to stay with friends and I just catch up on sleep before picking him up the next day. Then another friend will come down on Sunday and around we go. He knows I work like a dog and am stressed from saving up for a house so I'm getting to the point of no return with frustration at having no 'me' time. I get the feeling he prefers being at his friends (one in particular I really dislike as he is rude and very arrogant towards women)
I'm too bloody old to go through shit like this and am trying to resist pressing the detonate button. It would make a nice explosion but sound like a wet fart after all is said and done! Do I push the buzzer on him?? Or AIBU?
Oh and sorry for the rant. I do want advice :)

OP posts:
Wavypurple · 16/07/2021 22:02

He doesn’t sound lovely or sensitive to me.

Get rid. Is he actually crying because you’ve called him out on his shit behaviour?

RUUUUUUUUUN

crumbsinthejam · 16/07/2021 22:02

Just wanted to say congratulations on your recovery. I've seen firsthand how tough it can be. It sounds like you've come so far and you deserve so, so much better than this deadweight Flowers

lottiegarbanzo · 16/07/2021 22:02

Tears of self-pity and manipulation.

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/07/2021 22:02

He sounds as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

Time to go. And I definitely recommend finding a therapist to fix your bastard radar, too.

TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 22:04

Wants to contribute and support me but is lost as how to do it.

Sorry what? He could get a job of course. But you’re his meal ticket.

OP you haven’t ended it. You have replaced alcohol with addiction to a toxic relationship. You need to add Codependents Anonymous to your recovery programme if you’re doing AA.

velvethaze · 16/07/2021 22:06

Nah. Sorry. Cya.

Clarice99 · 16/07/2021 22:08

Your partner of 9 months is not lovely - he's an arsehole.

You are worth SO MUCH MORE.

You've wasted more than enough time on him. It's time to concentrate on building yourself up, working on your self esteem and being kind to yourself Flowers

Make sure the door stays firmly shut behind him. You can do it!

SparrowNest · 16/07/2021 22:09

@TatianaBis

Wants to contribute and support me but is lost as how to do it.

Sorry what? He could get a job of course. But you’re his meal ticket.

OP you haven’t ended it. You have replaced alcohol with addiction to a toxic relationship. You need to add Codependents Anonymous to your recovery programme if you’re doing AA.

Getting a job can be easier said than done depending on his situation, but he could as a bare minimum pull his weight around the house and prioritise spending time with OP at least SOME weekends.
TatianaBis · 16/07/2021 22:10

There’s always Uber.. oh no he can’t drive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2021 22:12

When’s he moving out?

Ellie56 · 16/07/2021 22:12

@OrchestraOfWankery

English is his third language? Ask him to translate cocklodger into the other two.
GrinGrin
Dontwatchfootball · 16/07/2021 22:12

It was me who mentioned his past - I do think a lot of people (especially men) just dont know how to live with other people until they fuck up royally and fail in a relationship because of it. Hopefully he is not just paying lip service and will now get a clue.

pilates · 16/07/2021 22:14

You will feel so much better without him in your life. He will drag you down. Stick to your guns and good luck.

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 22:15

I'm not doing AA but will reconnect with my therapist and address my codependancy issues - these have been raised by her before. Then I'll try and fix my bastard radar. Or just disconnect the fucking thing forever.

OP posts:
Summerdayshaze · 16/07/2021 22:15

Ugh. A crying loser.

pam290358 · 16/07/2021 22:15

What ???!! He was so devastated after a row, he cried ? This is a form of control to squash any rebellion from you. Meanwhile you are the only earner, you hold down three jobs, cook, clean and do all the other shit that responsible adults do, while he has a lovely time with his mates. He doesn’t want a life partner, he wants a housekeeper and like it or not, you are enabling this horribly selfish behaviour. I don’t think you need a major row to sort this out. You say he’s ‘calm’ so you be the same. Sit him down and quietly, calmly find out whether he’s aware of how selfish his behaviour is, and then give him a choice. He either sorts himself out and takes some responsibility in the relationship, or he leaves. Simples.

tallduckandhandsome · 16/07/2021 22:17

@Idunnowhyibother

I'm not doing AA but will reconnect with my therapist and address my codependancy issues - these have been raised by her before. Then I'll try and fix my bastard radar. Or just disconnect the fucking thing forever.
First things first - ask him to move out this weekend!
Anonymous48 · 16/07/2021 22:19

I voted YABU because you said this about your "partner":

"He is so kind and loving but so goddam selfish sometimes"

Kind & loving and selfish are mutually exclusive. You can't be both. He's also not your partner. A live in boyfriend maybe, but not a partner.

Anyway, glad you came to your senses and got rid of him. Best of luck for the future!

Needapoodle · 16/07/2021 22:19

God only knows why you put up with this. Dump him.

CharityDingle · 16/07/2021 22:21

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Look at what you have been through, and have come out the other side. Your post reminds me of a thread from some years ago where the OP was having doubts about marrying her cocklodger.
Sweet, easygoing, so laidback... of course he was, he had a charmed life, with her doing all the work, while he basically made a mess of her house. Hmm Everyone pointed out what a cocklodger he was, but I don't know if she went ahead with the wedding or not. Even down to stuff like throwing cigarette butts in the garden, for her to pick up. While he was being all nice and apologetic (but doing it again) and laidback, of course.
You have dodged a bullet, OP. Now hold your head high.

QueenBee52 · 16/07/2021 22:21

Has he left your Home OP, glad you are okay lady Flowers

thenewduchessofhastings · 16/07/2021 22:22

Is he actually looking for work?;the hospitality industry is screaming for staff,agencies are desperate for warehouse staff etc;what's taking him so long to find something?

And if he wants to go out for overnight stays with his weed smoking loser mates then he can get on a coach/train and make his own way there and pay for the tickets himself.

Out of interest;what was his living situation previously?;did he work then too?

I've a feeling he was living with his mummy wasn't he?

PeterIsACockwomble · 16/07/2021 22:32

OP, you know he's a cocklodger, and you're taking action.

I just wanted to say, though, that I think you sound absolutely brilliant, and someone will come along who deserves a strong, funny woman such as you.

twilightermummy · 16/07/2021 22:40

Don’t blame yourself at all, you don’t sound weak to me. Some people have these situations span a lifetime! You seem very self aware and smart.

HollowTalk · 16/07/2021 22:46

This is a useless selfish cocklodging bastard. He was nice to you during rehab but makes you drive him around so that he can get pissed and stoned? Can you see that doesn't make any sense?

He's got friends. Let him live with them.