Losing my temper/shit with selfish OH

[Idunnowhyibother]

Posting before I explode and say unsayable things in haste!
My partner of 9 months is lovely - loyal, sensitive and calm (any more laidback and he'd be sat on a cloud strumming a harp) but fucking HELL is he selfish!
I've got a failed marriage behind me so am not sure if my bastard-radar is broken or I don't trust myself anymore so I thought I'd see what you lot think :)
I work 3 jobs from home (he is looking for work after relocating to be with me) and cook/clean/shop and skivvy in general. I'm usually knackered at weekends and just want to flop or go to the hairdressers and just chill. But we are always going to see his friends (me being the taxi service as he doesn't drive). I don't drink/smoke anything funky so I feel like the boring sensible one that has to concentrate on not getting lost on the M5/Mwhatever as I'm a bit of a nervy and slightly crap driver after he has had a wicked time with his friends. He buggers off on a Friday to stay with friends and I just catch up on sleep before picking him up the next day. Then another friend will come down on Sunday and around we go. He knows I work like a dog and am stressed from saving up for a house so I'm getting to the point of no return with frustration at having no 'me' time. I get the feeling he prefers being at his friends (one in particular I really dislike as he is rude and very arrogant towards women)
I'm too bloody old to go through shit like this and am trying to resist pressing the detonate button. It would make a nice explosion but sound like a wet fart after all is said and done! Do I push the buzzer on him?? Or AIBU?
Oh and sorry for the rant. I do want advice :)

Your radar is completely broken.

@Idunnowhyibother you know what? You are a flipping star, getting sober, and taking control of your life. So you slipped up a (wee tiny enormous) bit by letting this ... struggling for word that says 'cocklodger of the highest magnitude' - man try to fool you. You are not a sucker, just a nice person, blinded by the nice in him. So glad you can see what an ass he is, that you are worthy of so much more than that, and that you will kick his sorry butt out.

Bin bag. That's all he earned. Carboard boxes are too good for this piece of rubbish.

Nine months and you're this pissed off. Time to say good bye to him.

Why are you playing mum?

Also, going on what you said in your second post:

Look up ‘covert narcissist’ and see if it resonates.

In any case - he is MASSIVELY taking the piss

Sounds like you have a giant cat.

Feed me, clean up after me, give me cuddles. In return I will nuzzle you and make you feel warm n fuzzy.

Is there a chance you need someone to look after, someone else to focus on, but at the same time also makes you angry that he so willingly lets you.

Is it the feeling of being taken from granted that pisses you off the most.

Of course, I could be talking utter twaddle.

Cats are self sufficient, all you need to do is put food down. They clean up after themselves, they don’t need lifts round the country.

PurpleWaterBlue- oh that sounds like me through and through! Pathetic.
And I bloody love cats. I get irrationally angry at being taken for granted yet feel weird without it. Shit.

@Idunnowhyibother

Yes I am embarrassed now and no I'm not exaggerating for comic effect. Feel a bit sick but that's probably the cold truth coming at me.... I'm not completely spineless or a doormat - I've been battling addiction (sober now) and getting my professional life back on track so have just let him do (as little) as he pleases in the background while I've focused on recovery. Hate typing that ugly as it is but there we go. I'd like to save things but it's messing with my temper now.

Bloody well done OP.

Given your previous divorce, which I suspect was messy, with lots of hard-to-handle backstory, it's small wonder you have had problems finding your way back to some equilibrium.

The good news is you recognise that all is not well, & are not going to let yourself get dragged down by The Cocklodger.

You mentioned earlier that you might be better off single for a while.
That is certainly going to feel more stable, secure (& cheaper) than having a leech on your back.
May I politely recommend that you either do, or revisit,The Freedom Programme, to help you bolster your sense of self, spot wankers at 500 paces, & get support for how you are now going to be asserting yourself both personally & professionally?

NOT looking to patronise you btw - my cocklodger cost me a cool £36k to get rid of - over & above years of paying his way & subsidising his addictions.
And now I know better - hurrah!
There is a whole life of challenge & adventure ahead of you. Don't waste it playing chauffeur to this undeserving tosspot.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@Idunnowhyibother

AGirlCalledJohnny - I'm in a strong place with myself (recovery-wise!) and understanding I have a future that won't poleaxe me if I'm on my own. Someone mentioned (quite rightly) that my self esteem is low (fucking low) but I seem to get on ok despite that and don't really think about it . Think it's blatantly obvious I should address it. But I'll deal with him first! He's taking his sweet time walking home. Maybe my text saying 'fucking walk' was a bit of a giveaway :)

Haha! The worm has turned....

Good luck in dumping him.

He was supportive when I went through rehab - non judgemental and encouraging.

And? Is that not the baseline expectation of any good friend?

There's no need to praise a fish for swimming.

Just kick him out, op. There is no discussion to be had. "There's the door, walk your arse through it."

Call the police if necessary.

To play devils advocate - has he ever lived with anyone before? What was his house like before he lived with you? Is he one of those people who has not learned the life requires effort? If so, it may be helpful to tell him, but you say he does things when you ask him but doesnt think to do them himself (how many male partners are like this?). If he is kind, non judgemental and loving, you could give him a chance by explaining things clearly and giving him an ultimatum. But it does not look good I fear.

OP, try not to be too hard on yourself. HNRTT but this could give you two opportunities, either to practice establishing boundaries and ending it or touse it an an opportunity to practice communication and relationship management though if he won't change then the result will be the same.

If you choose the latter then tell him how you feel, what you think is acceptable behaviour and what changes he needs to make. Only you can judge whether his lack of initiative and willingness to impose on you and not proactively think of you means there is no hope. Also, do you have a clear decision how long you are willing for him to be looking but not earning.

Good luck.

I think I must have missed the “lovely “ bit

I get irrationally angry at being taken for granted yet feel weird without it.

When you have poor self esteem, a low opinion of your own worth, being needed by someone else gives you a kind of validation. It tells you that you have a place in the world, and a reason to be in it, when you don't feel you warrant those things in your own right.

But you do. You have got clean. You're sober. L'Oreal knew what they were on to when the chose 'because you're worth it' as their marketing slogan. And OP - you are worth it. Please don't ever believe you're not, that you need someone dependent on you for you to have a right to the air that you breathe.

I bet he’s buggered off to a friend’s instead of going home. He knows he’s been rumbled!

Am now sat here on my own. I calmly told him that our (lack of) partnership was totally unacceptable and that I'm not his fucking mother/cook/skivvy/taxi/fuckbuddy/doormat. Didn't lose my temper but looked him in the eye and told him he was disrespectful and using me like a Pro.
He is totally gutted blah blah will do anything. Wants to contribute and support me but is lost as how to do it. English is his third language but he got the gist. Someone mentioned his past and this is first serious relationship for him. Maybe that says a lot....

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by ending it.

He's taking his sweet time walking home. Maybe my text saying 'fucking walk' was a bit of a giveaway

Yeah, I reckon he knows that his time's up, so his walk home has taken a diversion via the pub. All the while he's thinking that you will start to worry about where he's got to, and you'll be so relieved to see him that you won't chuck him out.

Well done, OP, sounds like you've done a lot tougher things. I've been in a similar situation, currently single and learning to love it

English is his third language? Ask him to translate cocklodger into the other two.

It's good you said what you did, but you actually need to make him leave now, for good.