Losing my temper/shit with selfish OH

[Idunnowhyibother]

Posting before I explode and say unsayable things in haste!
My partner of 9 months is lovely - loyal, sensitive and calm (any more laidback and he'd be sat on a cloud strumming a harp) but fucking HELL is he selfish!
I've got a failed marriage behind me so am not sure if my bastard-radar is broken or I don't trust myself anymore so I thought I'd see what you lot think :)
I work 3 jobs from home (he is looking for work after relocating to be with me) and cook/clean/shop and skivvy in general. I'm usually knackered at weekends and just want to flop or go to the hairdressers and just chill. But we are always going to see his friends (me being the taxi service as he doesn't drive). I don't drink/smoke anything funky so I feel like the boring sensible one that has to concentrate on not getting lost on the M5/Mwhatever as I'm a bit of a nervy and slightly crap driver after he has had a wicked time with his friends. He buggers off on a Friday to stay with friends and I just catch up on sleep before picking him up the next day. Then another friend will come down on Sunday and around we go. He knows I work like a dog and am stressed from saving up for a house so I'm getting to the point of no return with frustration at having no 'me' time. I get the feeling he prefers being at his friends (one in particular I really dislike as he is rude and very arrogant towards women)
I'm too bloody old to go through shit like this and am trying to resist pressing the detonate button. It would make a nice explosion but sound like a wet fart after all is said and done! Do I push the buzzer on him?? Or AIBU?
Oh and sorry for the rant. I do want advice :)

I am just shit with relationships - cannot seem to bring the critical assertive thinking from my professional life to my personal. Being needed gets mixed up with being loved. And I do 'mother'. Giving myself a slap.....

You definitely need to get rid @Idunnowhyibother as everyone here has said, screams cocklodger. Sorry!

Don't let him bully you into changing your mind, he will try it and turn on the water works. Be strong!

My partner of 9 months is lovely -

No he is not. He is a useless selfish knob and a user. He makes your life a lot harder than it needs to be. Tell him to relocate right back. You deserve better.

@Sally872

Agree with the others he is taking advantage and bringing nothing to the relationship. Good luck with conversation.

A conversation is a two way process.

This one should be one way.

Handing him his stuff in a bin bag and telling him to fuck off .

No further interaction required.

how can someone who is selfish be lovely?

@DeRigueurMortis very true! In this case conversation was definitely a euphemism. Good luck telling him it is over is what I meant

This man is not your 'partner' as he does not sound like he is contributing anything to a partnership.

[quote Sally872]@DeRigueurMortis very true! In this case conversation was definitely a euphemism. Good luck telling him it is over is what I meant [/quote]

Sobriety is a tricky thing, sometimes you can replace your crutches with another without even realising it. As you know it's highly unrecommended to start a new relationship during recovery for this exact reason.

Don't be embarrassed, you know now he's taking you for a chump. End it, and move on with only yourself to worry about. You deserve to enjoy your fresh start.

Oh, and please don't get a dog to replace him. It's not fair if you're working three jobs. Get a cat

@Idunnowhyibother

I am just shit with relationships - cannot seem to bring the critical assertive thinking from my professional life to my personal. Being needed gets mixed up with being loved. And I do 'mother'. Giving myself a slap.....

Oh OP, many people are shit at relationships and no relationship is perfect. But please don't blame yourself for the actions of a loser. You didn't make him like this.

@Idunnowhyibother

I am just shit with relationships - cannot seem to bring the critical assertive thinking from my professional life to my personal. Being needed gets mixed up with being loved. And I do 'mother'. Giving myself a slap.....

I know you say you have had therapy but maybe you need to continue that.

Read Baggage Reclaim online.
Get some books on self esteem and read them!
Stop being walked over.

He's also not your partner as PPs have said.

Partners share the load, the money, the work of being in a home together.

He does none of that.

He sounds like a first class loser

AGirlCalledJonny- yep - sounds about right. I don't think my sobriety is at risk when he goes. Come to far to let that go. And I love cats! :) They are buggers at crashing zoom meetings and going on my keyboards though!

Yay glad you’re dumping the cocklodger! Let us know when it’s dine!

Nothing about him sounds lovely to me. He doesn’t have a job and doesn’t drive so you’re paying for him and driving him around. He also doesn’t clean up after himself and smokes weed I assume. Fuck that. Get rid of him.

You've done so bloody well putting in the hard work to get sober, you deserve a better life, not this crap. You've come such a long way, don't settle for this, invisible your life, and where you want to be. I bet its not being a taxi, maid. You don't sound happy and you don't have to put up with this.

Think of it as the next part of your success, getting rid and taking back your life.

@Idunnowhyibother

I am just shit with relationships - cannot seem to bring the critical assertive thinking from my professional life to my personal. Being needed gets mixed up with being loved. And I do 'mother'. Giving myself a slap.....

Bless you.

Would you like to mother for years?

He's a cocklodger, it's time to bin and find yourself a grown up.

He'll be ok, they always are.

Doesn't work, doesn't drive, does nothing around the house, hangs out smoking with his mates and you are his taxi all weekend?

Is he 15?

How is any of that attractive? Does he have a glittery, vibrating, rotating willy?? Why would you want to live with that? Do you enjoy being a doormat?

I think you've made another appalling relationship choice

No wonder he can be so relaxed he's horizontal. You're facilitating him and it's time to stop. Let him see if he can be quite so relaxed when he has to adult for himself.

He's using you and he fears losing your loveliness.
You are accommodating him. You should be equally accommodating to each other.
You work like a pack horse and you are rewarded by driving him to his own social life, without you!
You are not a work horse. You deserve better.

What a wimp of a man. Nothing wrong with crying if he is genuinely upset. But to me it seems like he is putting the waterworks to specifically make you feel sorry for him.

Take control of your own life. Don’t let him take control of it. This man of yours needs to, well, man up (I hate using that term as it is misogynistic) but he really does.

If you are going to stay in this relationship, then you need to start taking control in regards to what is best for you.

He may be lovely in so many ways, and that may make it so frustrating for you, but listen to your self - listen to how he is making you feel. He sounds like a child. You deserve a man who doesn’t make you feel like this. He deserves a babysitter. Don’t be that for him

Next time you drop him off at his mate's make sure it's with a bin bag full of his belongings, then leave him there for good.

Sooo glad you returned to Mumsnet OP...

The Vipers on here will keep you right 🤣

Cocklodger indeed her is .. happy to see you are ending this and taking your safe haven back..

Enjoy your weekends again and just relaxing .. what a joy that sounds 🌸

I wouldn't be bothering with him based on what you've said tbh, does he have any selling points?