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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing my temper/shit with selfish OH

217 replies

Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 18:50

Posting before I explode and say unsayable things in haste!
My partner of 9 months is lovely - loyal, sensitive and calm (any more laidback and he'd be sat on a cloud strumming a harp) but fucking HELL is he selfish!
I've got a failed marriage behind me so am not sure if my bastard-radar is broken or I don't trust myself anymore so I thought I'd see what you lot think :)
I work 3 jobs from home (he is looking for work after relocating to be with me) and cook/clean/shop and skivvy in general. I'm usually knackered at weekends and just want to flop or go to the hairdressers and just chill. But we are always going to see his friends (me being the taxi service as he doesn't drive). I don't drink/smoke anything funky so I feel like the boring sensible one that has to concentrate on not getting lost on the M5/Mwhatever as I'm a bit of a nervy and slightly crap driver after he has had a wicked time with his friends. He buggers off on a Friday to stay with friends and I just catch up on sleep before picking him up the next day. Then another friend will come down on Sunday and around we go. He knows I work like a dog and am stressed from saving up for a house so I'm getting to the point of no return with frustration at having no 'me' time. I get the feeling he prefers being at his friends (one in particular I really dislike as he is rude and very arrogant towards women)
I'm too bloody old to go through shit like this and am trying to resist pressing the detonate button. It would make a nice explosion but sound like a wet fart after all is said and done! Do I push the buzzer on him?? Or AIBU?
Oh and sorry for the rant. I do want advice :)

OP posts:
PaterPower · 16/07/2021 19:05

He’s unemployed, living in your house (rent free?), pissing any money he does have on weed and Friday nights out with his misogynist mate (when, no doubt, they slag you off for pushing him to get a job).

All whilst watching you slog your guts out and not lifting a finger in the house?

Hot damn! Tell me if you’d like to adopt another cuckoo - I’ve too much self respect to actually treat a partner like he does, but by God it sounds like a cushy deal.

Why are you even hesitant to boot this guy?

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 19:07

@Idunnowhyibother

Fuck. Fuck.Fuck. I have had one row with him and he was devastated and cried which really hurt to see. He is so kind and loving but so goddam selfish sometimes. It's like I have no compass with stuff like this and I don't know why!
Kind, loving and selfish?

That doesn't quite work. I think you mean can be loving and kind when it suits him. The rest of the time he doesn't really care about anyone else.

dreamingbohemian · 16/07/2021 19:08

He's kind and loving sometimes so he can get away with being a selfish manchild the rest of the time

AdviceOnLife · 16/07/2021 19:08

He is crying because he may lose his comfy life.
Please put yourself first and ditch him.
With 3 jobs alone, you need to use all your downtime for you. Not running around being a taxi to a man child.
You deserve better.

Blacktothepink · 16/07/2021 19:10

Get rid, he’s a man child cocklodger rolled into one and a parasite

LividLaVidaLoca · 16/07/2021 19:10

He’s an unemployed non-driving weed smoker?

Come on.

You didn’t get divorced to put yourself through this shit.

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 19:11

Yes I am embarrassed now and no I'm not exaggerating for comic effect. Feel a bit sick but that's probably the cold truth coming at me....
I'm not completely spineless or a doormat - I've been battling addiction (sober now) and getting my professional life back on track so have just let him do (as little) as he pleases in the background while I've focused on recovery. Hate typing that ugly as it is but there we go. I'd like to save things but it's messing with my temper now.

OP posts:
Unsoliciteddeckpic · 16/07/2021 19:13

How long as he lived with you?

Rainbowqueeen · 16/07/2021 19:13

It’s easy to be sensitive and calm if you have nothing to do all day.
Kind and loving??? Not sure how you get that?? I relocated to be with my partner and while I was looking for work (actively!!) I did all housework and cooking. That’s what a kind and loving partner does.

You need to end it if you want to keep your sanity.
Then can I recommend the female dating strategy website and the book why men love bitches.

Value yourself OP.

NoSquirrels · 16/07/2021 19:13

I think this bloke is not a part of your new, sober, fabulous life. And you can see that now.

PaterPower · 16/07/2021 19:14

”I have had one row with him and he was devastated and cried which really hurt to see”

Wow, he’s got you sussed. I used to cry in front of my parents, when I was a kid, if I thought it would lessen the punishment. It’s manipulative as hell.

If you were being told this by a friend would you not see it for what it is? Surely you’d tell her that her BF was being a dick.. wouldn’t you?

LividLaVidaLoca · 16/07/2021 19:14

Don’t let this mess with your recovery. You’re better than that and him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2021 19:14

Selfish is the opposite of kind and loving.

He doesn’t care about what you need or what makes you happy.

He’s using you.

Whatever radar it is must be on the blink because you were mad to let an unemployed dosser pot head to move in with you. Why did you do that?!

Just chuck him back and get some therapy before dating again.

gluenotsoup · 16/07/2021 19:16

Push the button. You’re being used and deserve better.

Takenoprisoner · 16/07/2021 19:16

How is he kind and loving and also selfish and treating you like a maid? How does that make sense to you?

He's 'kind' because he likes how things are, with you as his mummy, cooking, cleaning and ferrying him around. He's crying now, it's manipulative crocodile tears.

Stop doing so much. And stop driving him around. Where are your weekend hobbies? Why live his life when you can live yours?

Tell him he needs to pull his weight and do half of all household chores. And that the lifts are stopping. Seeing as he's so 'kind and loving' he will understand, surely?

PaterPower · 16/07/2021 19:17

Congratulations on your sobriety. You are worth way more than what he’s got to offer.

1FootInTheRave · 16/07/2021 19:18

He's a loser.

Get rid.

Splann · 16/07/2021 19:21

Why are you wasting all the hard work and effort you’ve made getting yourself back on track by staying with this waste of space? He will end up dragging you down. Stop saying he is lovely, nothing you have said about him is lovely.

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 19:21

He was supportive when I went through rehab - non judgemental and encouraging. If I say 'can you shop/clean etc he will but I kinda think I shouldn't have to do this every day. Surprise surprise housework never ends unless you want to live in a shit tip.
Think the Dear John will be coming when he is home tonight. He can walk home.

OP posts:
user27424799642256 · 16/07/2021 19:22

Relationships are a two-way deal - you can't "save" one singlehandedly. Especially when your definition of "save" is trying to change the other person or force yourself to quietly tolerate poor treatment.

If this guy seemed/seems like a dream come true, I'm guessing your previous partners were absolute terrors?

FreeSpirits · 16/07/2021 19:22

I said yabu.. for putting up with it. It's been 9 months.. just move on xx

ElspethFlashman · 16/07/2021 19:22

Love, next time just get a dog.

It will also eat you out of house and home and leave a mess everywhere and contribute nothing....but at least you'll have some downtime at the weekends.

lazylinguist · 16/07/2021 19:24

Right decision OP. He can't possibly be kind. Being selfish by definition isn't kind. Kind words are all very easy to say, but it's his actions that matter.

Original poster
Idunnowhyibother · 16/07/2021 19:25

ElspethFlashman- dog it is! I'd get more fucking exercise at least.....

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 16/07/2021 19:26

You know he targeted you right?

Moved in to a cushy life where you want to buy a house for him to live in whist he continues to take advantage.

You are basically his mum dropping him at his mates to get wasted.
Male him pack and he can fuck off back there.

The crocodile tears are because he knows you are waking up to his shit and his gravy train is about to end.