Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
amission · 15/07/2021 23:38

Don't blame her.

She's feeling sidelined.

Justifiably.

Definitelynotem · 15/07/2021 23:41

I agree with PP, if it was only weekend then fair enough but 50/50 is a lot of time in a small room, especially when she’s becoming a teenager and needs space for herself and to study

BaronessBomburst · 15/07/2021 23:42

Can you get her one of those fancy bunk bed things with space for a den underneath?

Ideasplease322 · 15/07/2021 23:44

This is tough one. The only reason for giving her the smaller room seems to be she lives there 50% of the time.

does you son stay with his dad ever?

How about give the two older children the bigger rooms and then whoever of the older girls wants the smaller single room when the baby is ready to share gets it? If they both want the single small room flip a coin.

Original poster
Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:44

@BaronessBomburst I hadn’t thought of those, that might make it better for her

OP posts:
Wildest · 15/07/2021 23:46

In our house the smallest person gets the smallest room. 50/50 is often enough that she deserves the space and a baby won't care about a small room but a tween/teenager will spend a lot of time in theirs.

Blossomtoes · 15/07/2021 23:46

Don’t give her the smallest room, it’s making her feel like she doesn’t matter.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/07/2021 23:48

How about give the two older children the bigger rooms and then whoever of the older girls wants the smaller single room when the baby is ready to share gets it? If they both want the single small room flip a coin.
This sounds like a good plan. She gets it now but she has to have some storage space for DD (if needed) and when baby is ready to share, she either has the baby or goes in the small room.

Alt have you asked DS which one he wants? Small rooms can be easier to keep clean. Some kids actively want the small room, esp if you an find a cabin bed to fit.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/07/2021 23:49

The other option is to put the girls into the bog room together and set the box up as the nursery

Original poster
Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:51

That’s true, she could have the bigger room for now but she might eventually end up in the smaller one or sharing

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 15/07/2021 23:53

Would the 6yo and 11yo share?
Partition a bigger room into two?

Theres never going to be a good answer here.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 15/07/2021 23:53

Two girls share the biggest room. You take the next room, DS in the next, baby in the smallest. Doesn't make sense for anyone to share with the baby that will presumably wake up crying in the night.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 15/07/2021 23:55

Another option... draw lots to chose bedrooms.

Birkie248 · 15/07/2021 23:56

When the time comes, I think she absolutely will resent sharing with the baby so I wouldn’t do that.
Someone has to have the smallest bedroom, and in this situation I think it makes sense that it’s her. I would get her very cool decorations and new furniture as a sweetener though.

Shadedog · 15/07/2021 23:58

An 11yo could really do with a desk in her room. I’d be inclined to give the 2 11yos the bigger rooms but make it clear that with 3 girls then eventually 2 of them will be sharing that room and she’ll have to share with one of her sisters or move into the box room on her own.

Couchbettato · 16/07/2021 00:01

I would have a look at something like a loft bed or studybed style Murphy for her and explain that really the choices are have a bigger room but share, or have a smaller room all to herself.

Although ultimately I think you've bought a house that doesn't fit your needs and you're expecting SD to just shut up and put up.

Ideasplease322 · 16/07/2021 00:03

Just thinking - Why isn’t it an option to give the boy the smaller room?

I know there is a gender issue with sharing - but surely he can’t be guaranteed to always have a bigger room while both girls have to compromise?

maddening · 16/07/2021 00:03

Have you a floor plan?

puppylife · 16/07/2021 00:05

@BaronessBomburst

Can you get her one of those fancy bunk bed things with space for a den underneath?
For an 11 year old?! They will want a double bed not a tiny kids cabin bed with a 'den'!

I don't understand why you can't put the baby in the smallest room? They spend the least time in their bedroom except to sleep so that would make the most sense. Just because she isn't there as much as the other kids doesn't mean that she shouldn't be treated fairly

Lalliella · 16/07/2021 00:05

I don’t think that’s fair on DSD. She’s being penalised for her parents no longer being together, something which isn’t her fault and which probably has already caused her a lot of trauma. Don’t make her feel like a second class citizen. Include her in your family properly and give her a bigger room.

Merryoldgoat · 16/07/2021 00:06

Those age gaps are a nightmare OP.

What’s the plan for when you have two 17 year olds, a 12 year old and a 7 year old - sharing won’t work so well then

How many bedrooms do you have now? Four? Three big and a box?

DoeRay · 16/07/2021 00:08

In our house the smallest person gets the smallest room.

Opposite here! Grin I figure younger ones have so much more stuff than older ones. Doll house and all the crap that goes with, lego sets, kallax units filled with toys, enough stuffed animals to sink a ship.

Compared to the 10 year old who has loom bands, hama beads, a kindle and an ipad. Oh and sea monkeys.

IMO biggest get smallest room. Since I think both of yours are 11, and one of them is there half the time, it makes sense the way you've decided it.

Unless the other 11 year old is at Dad's for 2 nights, then flip a coin.

Or unless, like I said above, if the DS only really has an xbox / PS and spends most of his time outside, and the DD likes art so could do with a desk and prefers to have friends over, then DS should take small room and DD bigger room. (Or the opposite depending on who likes to do what / who has what).

Clymene · 16/07/2021 00:08

Why are people talking about the baby having a mythical 5th bedroom? There isn't one. There are 3 big bedrooms, one small one.

OP - do your kids live with you full time?

Draineddraineddrained · 16/07/2021 00:09

Why on earth move somewhere smaller with a baby on the way?

YABU and favouring your own children. This is just as much her home as her siblings' even though she is only there half the time - or if it isn't she has no proper home as she's only at her mum's half the time too. Pretty shitty for her and no fault or choice of her own.

6yo is youngest, she gets the smallest room. What you do with the baby is anyone's guess, as it won't be practical for her to share with her siblings for a couple of years - she'll be awake all hours and disturbing their sleep. But I would have expected you to have thought of that before getting pregnant/moving to a house without enough room for all your kids.

Ideasplease322 · 16/07/2021 00:10

There is a real opportunity here - tell dsd you have thought about what she said and she is right. It’s not fair.

So work with her and your son to come up with something that is fair for everybody.

Explain the challenge. Oops we bought a house that doesn’t meet our needs. But we have four children who are equals in this house so let’s talk about our options.

She will always remember you listening and acting.

And I plead again - don’t give your soon exclusive lifetime rights to a big bedroom just because he is a boy. It’s just as bad as giving dsd the crappiest room because she isn’t there full time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread