Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

The 11 year old step child deserves the bigger room. They will be a teenager soon. They need a desk. They need privacy. They don't get to see their dad all the time. They are having to deal with step and half siblings. It must be so hard for them. They shouldn't be stuck in the smallest room, they will feel sidelined, unwanted and unloved, so OP might as well stick them in the shed or under the stairs.

Fine. But there are two children all of the above applies to. OPs DS and her DSD. Only one is there 100% of the time and the other is there 50%. Awkward to the narrative, isn't it?

So how do you then justify one of these equally deserving 11 year olds being in a box room for his one and only bedroom, while the bigger room sits empty half the week and his step sister is in her second bedroom?

@Cam2020

Personally, I wouldn't be having another baby if I couldn't adequately accommodate all the children, but I realise that's not helpful.

Is there a shed DSD could use?

They are and will be adequately accomodated the. Being part of a family means you don't get to habe everything you want all the time forever without compromise. She can have a large room but will have to share on the future. She can never share and have the small room. She's getting choice whereas the other two will habe to fit around her. Hardly a neglected and unloved child locked in the basement.

The odea that sharing a room or having 5he box room makes you inadequacy housed is just beyond ignorant.

@Youseethethingis

The 11 year old step child deserves the bigger room. They will be a teenager soon. They need a desk. They need privacy. They don't get to see their dad all the time. They are having to deal with step and half siblings. It must be so hard for them. They shouldn't be stuck in the smallest room, they will feel sidelined, unwanted and unloved, so OP might as well stick them in the shed or under the stairs.

Fine. But there are two children all of the above applies to. OPs DS and her DSD. Only one is there 100% of the time and the other is there 50%. Awkward to the narrative, isn't it?

So how do you then justify one of these equally deserving 11 year olds being in a box room for his one and only bedroom, while the bigger room sits empty half the week and his step sister is in her second bedroom?

This. Quite a few posters haven’t bothered to read the thread properly (or I don’t know , lack the reading comprehension skills). And haven’t realised that:

1. There are two stepchildren here, of the same age
2. Decision was made by OP and her DH, both of whom have one stepchild
3. If not sharing box room SD would have to share room with a younger sibling.
4. SD is already getting a better deal than OP’s own daughters who aren’t even asked what they prefer. SD chooses whether to share or have box room and the other two get what’s left over.

*OP’s biological daughter. Of course the baby can’t express a preference 😂

@Cam2020

Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that.

Inadequate.

Inadequate and "not up to her 11 year old standards" are not the same.

Step DD is upset that we don't have an indoor pool only a outdoor one and that the cleaner only works 3 days. We've justed suggested 10 days skiing in the Alps and she's complaining she wants to go for 2 weeks. Aibu to think we have inadequately housed her and shouldn't have had her if we couldn't meet her every demand?

Step DD is upset that we don't have an indoor pool only a outdoor one and that the cleaner only works 3 days. We've justed suggested 10 days skiing in the Alps and she's complaining she wants to go for 2 weeks. Aibu to think we have inadequately housed her and shouldn't have had her if we couldn't meet her every demand?

No, but a decent room shouldn't really be considered too much should it? Those things are hardly comparable.

No, but a decent room shouldn't really be considered too much should it? Those things are hardly comparable.

Whatever happens, she is getting a decent room.

No, but a decent room shouldn't really be considered too much should it? Those things are hardly comparable.

She’s getting a decent room. Either a small one of her own or a bigger one to share. My three DC shared one room all their lives until they went to university/got jobs. All did fantastically at school, so statements about needing a quiet space to do homework don’t apply.

No, but a decent room shouldn't really be considered too much should it? Those things are hardly comparable

1. there's nothing indecent about it
2. it's too much to consider a bigger room when there's someone who needs it more
3. how can the box room categorically not good enough for one child 50% of the time but perfectly acceptable for another 100% of the time?

The more I think about this, the more I come back to the two older girls sharing and the baby getting the box room.

For a long time the baby is going to have a very different sleep schedule to the two bigger girls - including nap times etc.

By the time the baby is born you'll have an 8 year old and a 12 year old sharing.

When the baby goes from toddler bed to a regular bed at say 3 years old you could offer the oldest girl the chance to have her own room and have the two younger girls share the bigger room.

When the oldest daughter goes to college and son does at the same time both the younger girls can have a big room each on their own.

That's a lot of room swapping but at least it's an attempt to be fair.

@Squeakysqueal Have you decided what you are going to do yet?

@cabingirl

The more I think about this, the more I come back to the two older girls sharing and the baby getting the box room.

For a long time the baby is going to have a very different sleep schedule to the two bigger girls - including nap times etc.

By the time the baby is born you'll have an 8 year old and a 12 year old sharing.

When the baby goes from toddler bed to a regular bed at say 3 years old you could offer the oldest girl the chance to have her own room and have the two younger girls share the bigger room.

When the oldest daughter goes to college and son does at the same time both the younger girls can have a big room each on their own.

That's a lot of room swapping but at least it's an attempt to be fair.

I have to say, besides the obvious politics of this thread that have dominated the discussion, I do always think "really?" when people's plan involves a baby sharing with an older child when there are other option. I don't have experience of that situation but it sounds like a logistical nightmare to me, I would always prioritize separating the baby. So I do think it makes a lot of sense to put the older two girls in together and have the box room as a nursery, switching DSD to the box room once the baby is a bit older and sleeping through. It definitely doesn't make sense in any circumstances for DSD to have the big room alone, though.

@Cam2020

Step DD is upset that we don't have an indoor pool only a outdoor one and that the cleaner only works 3 days. We've justed suggested 10 days skiing in the Alps and she's complaining she wants to go for 2 weeks. Aibu to think we have inadequately housed her and shouldn't have had her if we couldn't meet her every demand?

No, but a decent room shouldn't really be considered too much should it? Those things are hardly comparable.

Sorry missed the bit where the room is damp, drafty, has mice, has cardboard up the windows, is actually the shed. I assumed it was a warm, safe, ventilated room large enough for a young person to sleep in.

@aSofaNearYou that’s the sensible choice - but then you get the absolute furore that occurs when a step child is made to share a room.
Thread after thread after thread of ‘it’s their home too it’s child abuse to not at least give them their own room’

OP cant win either way.

I wonder how DD will feel to be given the smallest room now and then told in a couple of years that she has now got to move out and share the big room with toddler. It's seems she gets the butt end every time. I think whoever gets the big room now also gets to share in a couple of years. That way they get the good and then the not do good deal.

It doesn't matter tho about DD because she only has one parent and a disengaged father and one home so she just has to lump it. She cant punish her parent by staying with the other one

@Youseethethingis

The 11 year old step child deserves the bigger room. They will be a teenager soon. They need a desk. They need privacy. They don't get to see their dad all the time. They are having to deal with step and half siblings. It must be so hard for them. They shouldn't be stuck in the smallest room, they will feel sidelined, unwanted and unloved, so OP might as well stick them in the shed or under the stairs.

Fine. But there are two children all of the above applies to. OPs DS and her DSD. Only one is there 100% of the time and the other is there 50%. Awkward to the narrative, isn't it?

So how do you then justify one of these equally deserving 11 year olds being in a box room for his one and only bedroom, while the bigger room sits empty half the week and his step sister is in her second bedroom?

Exactly this ^^.

The posters pushing the wicked stepmother narrative have conveniently forgotten that there is a father/ stepfather also making this decision- just happens to be the mum/stepmum asking the question on here.

If the 11 yo girl (lives there half the time , has a loving relationship with both parents plus step-mum, own room at mum’s house) gets the big room, then 11yo boy (no contact with dad, no other room) has the ‘Cinders’ role of being relegated to the box room by his stepfather.

I’m very late to this conversation but

I really don’t see what the uproar is. Someone has to have the small room just like in every house.
Do all your children have equal sized bedrooms ?
The son is also step son to his step father so if he gets the smallest room does that also mean his been though of less.
The step daughter has been giving more choice than the others tbh and don’t think has been treated unfairly.

She either shares the larger room or has the smaller room to her self.

So @Squeakysqueal what have you decided or let your dad decide

Share big room with 6yr

Have own smaller room

[quote Teenyton]@Getyourarseofffthequattro oh I see now! That's why you guys were commenting that you saw me messaging in another thread etc? You think the only people who criticise your thought process could be ex wife! You got me wrong, I'm happily married with three kids, and have never been an ex. Lol...[/quote]
I haven't said anything about other threads.

I mean respectfully you've just admitted you know fuck all about this in reality.

@Youseethethingis

The 11 year old step child deserves the bigger room. They will be a teenager soon. They need a desk. They need privacy. They don't get to see their dad all the time. They are having to deal with step and half siblings. It must be so hard for them. They shouldn't be stuck in the smallest room, they will feel sidelined, unwanted and unloved, so OP might as well stick them in the shed or under the stairs.

Fine. But there are two children all of the above applies to. OPs DS and her DSD. Only one is there 100% of the time and the other is there 50%. Awkward to the narrative, isn't it?

So how do you then justify one of these equally deserving 11 year olds being in a box room for his one and only bedroom, while the bigger room sits empty half the week and his step sister is in her second bedroom?

Ahhhh the prize for being a step child. Poor poor unwanted stepchild.

What about the other step child in the house?

I have 2 dds. Eldest spent 50/50 at her fathers. She also had the biggest room as she was the eldest. When she went to Uni we swapped the rooms over (not behind her back 🤣) and dd2 got the bigger room.

In your situation, I’d have the 2 eldest in the bigger rooms, and the youngest in the smaller one. Baby in with you until they go into a bed, then they go into the middle bedroom with the youngest. The 2 eldest share the biggest bedroom and the small room becomes a play room.

@Soontobe60

I have 2 dds. Eldest spent 50/50 at her fathers. She also had the biggest room as she was the eldest. When she went to Uni we swapped the rooms over (not behind her back 🤣) and dd2 got the bigger room.

In your situation, I’d have the 2 eldest in the bigger rooms, and the youngest in the smaller one. Baby in with you until they go into a bed, then they go into the middle bedroom with the youngest. The 2 eldest share the biggest bedroom and the small room becomes a play room.

Two unrelated 11yos of opposite sex sharing?

@Merryoldgoat

Those age gaps are a nightmare OP.

What’s the plan for when you have two 17 year olds, a 12 year old and a 7 year old - sharing won’t work so well then

How many bedrooms do you have now? Four? Three big and a box?

My sister is 10 years younger than me. We shared a room from her being about 18m old. Even when I was 17y and she was 7y it worked fine.

It was okay - was a big room (biggest in house anyway) and we had separate sides.

There were rules in place for some of the time. For example, during revision time I was granted the room for study, but equally at night time I couldn't be in there playing music or with friends round as Dd went to bed earlier. We did work around for the odd sleepover for me though they didn't seem as popular in the 80s anyway. We did have a sofa area in the kitchen though so we had that social area for friends, and Dd used to play with toys more in the living room or outside.

It's not really like there was an alternative anyway; not everyone can afford to get a big house. You work round what you've got,

But it can totally work out fine.

[quote CastawayQueen]@aSofaNearYou that’s the sensible choice - but then you get the absolute furore that occurs when a step child is made to share a room.
Thread after thread after thread of ‘it’s their home too it’s child abuse to not at least give them their own room’

OP cant win either way.[/quote]
That's true. I think this is just another thread that confirms that a lot of people on here have really privileged views about bedrooms generally. Whether it's a box room, or sharing a room, it's "inadequate" and "cruel" whereas for most people a double bedroom each for every child is just wildly unrealistic when you have more than one.