Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

@Shadedog

I would be very pissed off as the 11yo boy if my same age stepsister got the big room even though she was there half the amount of time I was. He would be sitting in the box room doing his homework in his bed as no room for a desk and looking across the hall at a large, empty room. If the 6yo was a boy I guess the boys would be together in the big room and dsd in the other big room and baby in the tiny room. I don’t think you can give one of your 11 yos room to study and not the other

The 11 year old boy presumably has a father elsewhere (unless OP’s husband had children with two women simultaneously) and hopefully one he sees. In which case he has a home elsewhere too.

I find it sad that the OP’s dilemma seems to be about which girl should take the small room, but the options do not include the son having it.

I feel very sorry for the stepdaughter, she is clearly being treated less favourably to the OP’s biological children. If her mother applied the same rationale as her father, that she doesn’t need a decent room because she is only there 50% of the time, she could end up in a broom cupboard whichever house she is in.

I think if you give DSD the smallest room then it sets a tone that this is less her home than it is the other children.

I think you should be mindful of this tone or culture in your house in general. She's about to enter adolescence and will probably have more and more opinions and autonomy in terms of how she spends her time.

If she feels second fiddle in your home then your DH shouldn't be surprised when she decides to spend less time there and more at her mothers.

It also creates a tier 1 and tier 2 system between the 100% of time children and the 50% of time child, which puts pressure on the sibling relationship. This relationship will be there, for good or bad, long after you and your DH leave this earth so think about it.

Approaching this as a purely practical space issue is missing the wider point IMO.

You need to ask your ds what he wants. You say it’s a waste of a good room to put him in there. But he may choose it.

Despite someone calling Oziani outrageous, it may be true that your dsd has more stuff than your ds. That should be factored in, including giving her enough space to store her suitcase and study.

Oh god since when do kids get a say in which room they have. She’s only there half the time so doesn’t need as big a room as the ones who are.

@Foxglovesandlilacs86

Oh god since when do kids get a say in which room they have. She’s only there half the time so doesn’t need as big a room as the ones who are.

By that logic she’d only be entitled to the tiniest room at her mum’s too - as she’s only there half the time too.

I would say younger ones need more space than older ones.

For those that are saying the 11yo needs double bed/bigger room, then what about the 6yo? When's she's 11yo, step sis will be 17yo and still presumably staying 50/50 so still in the bigger room.
However she's going to be 11yo, in the smaller room, sharing with her 5yo sister.

I'd put the two that share in the bigger room, and I agree that a 11yo in principle might be happy to share with a baby but the reality of being woken, unable to leave things out, baby stuff, waking to a smelly nappy etc will not be appreciated.

Being there 50% of time isn't a choice made by the dsd though. It's arrangement between her parents.
So I think it's unfair to give her the smallest room because of that.
I think you need to have a talk with all the children together to decide who gets which room, with consideration that big room need to be shared in future.

I would have thought her own room would have been the best outcome

Honestly you see some threads where they are expected to share and people go nuts about kids needing there own space and not being "forced" to share with a biological stranger

I would split the master bedroom in two - use wardrobes or something as a divider and put the two girls in there so they each have their own space and privacy.

You and DH get the second biggest room which you'll probably share with the baby for now.

DS is in the next biggest room and turn the box room into the nursery for the baby. Babies don't care how big their rooms are!

In the long run you (you and your dh) need to give up your bedroom and have a sofa bed in the living/dining room tbh. That won't be practicable as long as the baby is in your room, so until then I would say to your dsd she has the smallest room but once the baby is ready for her own room you will move out of yours and she can have it, while the baby goes in the box room.

I agree with PP that you're moving to a house that can't meet the needs of your family (stepchild dynamics/age gaps). And as the move was your, the parents', decision, you, the parents, are going to need to make the biggest compromises/accommodations.

Dh and I didn't have a bedroom for three years because all our children needed their own space.

As @warmfluffytowels says.

I don't understand why people think you are being U. DSD has her own room at her Mum's. And I bet she keeps most of her stuff there as well. Child with least stuff gets smallest room.

You and DH are the adults here, a child does not dictate terms. And as for giving her agency? Perlease. Quite the daftest notion on a thread full of daftness.

Dh and I didn't have a bedroom for three years because all our children needed their own space.*

Why did your children need their own space?
My three DC shared one room - the main bedroom - until they went to university.

For an 11 year old?! They will want a double bed not a tiny kids cabin bed with a 'den'!

That's hilarious! I have 3Dc 19, 16 and 13 and not a double bed in sight!

They are welcome to buy themselves doubles when they move out!

How ridiculous!

An 11 year old doesn't need a double bed. That's ridiculous.

I'd put the 6 year old in the small room and give the bigger room to the 11 year old, even if it's just temporarily until baby needs their own room.

At that point, move the 6 year old and baby into the bigger room and Step DD into the smaller room.

Yes it will be a faff, but she won't feel sidelined for a 6 year old. 6 year old doesn't need a big bedroom. At 11 your Stepdaughter will probably want more time alone in her room so you should give her the space if you can. It doesn't matter that she's only there half the time - she didn't choose that.

A big bedroom is much more important to an 11 year old than a 6 year old.
I would have a rota (though in the end it might not happen but at least there is some agreement written down) DD gets biggest bedroom for 6 months, then DS gets it for 6 months, then when baby comes along DD6 gets it with baby and DD and DS take 6 month turns for small bedroom.

There's no perfect answer but being seen to be fair is important.

Honestly, teach the 11yos like grown ups. See if they can decide between them who gets which room, or offer to toss a coin to see who choses first.

Life would be so much easier if British houses had the children's rooms as the same size...

DSD should have the smaller room. She already has another bedroom at her mums so effectively has two. Also have you considered she may not want to come and stay so often as she gets older?

The 11 year old boy presumably has a father elsewhere (unless OP’s husband had children with two women simultaneously) and hopefully one he sees. In which case he has a home elsewhere too*

It says in the OP that the boy is there “full time” so my comments were based on that information rather than the presumption that he is there part time. If he’s there less than/equal time as the 11yo girl then I agree that he doesn’t have a greater claim.

The OP also started a thread last week about girls’ baby names where she said the baby will be a little sister to [boy’s name]. No mention of the DD the OP already has according to this thread. nothing wrong with that as why should she choose a name to 'go' with other people's children?

Oh, sorry! I see what you're saying!

@MitheringSunday

In the long run you (you and your dh) need to give up your bedroom and have a sofa bed in the living/dining room tbh. That won't be practicable as long as the baby is in your room, so until then I would say to your dsd she has the smallest room but once the baby is ready for her own room you will move out of yours and she can have it, while the baby goes in the box room.

I agree with PP that you're moving to a house that can't meet the needs of your family (stepchild dynamics/age gaps). And as the move was your, the parents', decision, you, the parents, are going to need to make the biggest compromises/accommodations.

Dh and I didn't have a bedroom for three years because all our children needed their own space.

Fucking hell. No wonder there are so many entitled children in the world. It would be nice for them to have their own space. They don't need it.

Surely sharing a room is not the end of the world for children. But fucked backs and bad sleep for people who have to work is OK?

I shared with my sister, there was an age gap. Then I moved into the smallest room, I loved it, I could do it up exactly how I wanted and as long as there's well thought out storage it works fine.

I don't even get why the space is so important. As long as there's a bed, storage for clothes and toys and somewhere to do homework, the spare floor space is only handy if they want to practice dancing or gymnastics. Unless you force them to stay in their rooms to play.