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Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GreyhoundG1rl · 16/07/2021 01:00

To be honest we were lucky to find a house with 4 bedrooms so that’s why we bought up
You said it had the same amount of bedrooms as your current house.

rainsometimes · 16/07/2021 01:03

Actually, actually, we need to know more details. What's her situation at mums? Sharing with sibling.

I didn't factor all of this in my initial response

Original poster
Squeakysqueal · 16/07/2021 01:07

She has her own room at her mum’s

OP posts:
Ozanj · 16/07/2021 01:09

I would be giving DSD the slightly bigger room, your DS the box room, and the biggest room is for your 6 yo to share with the baby. 11 yo girls need bigger rooms than boys do; as she gets older she will have clothes, make up, just more stuff; and as she’s only there 50/50 she will be bringing luggage which also needs to be factored in.

Goldielow · 16/07/2021 01:10

@Squeakysqueal

Who has the most stuff? Base it off that. Whoever needs the bigger rooms gets them.

NoNever · 16/07/2021 01:11

It’s interesting that I never see posts from step parents arguing for their own child getting the small bedroom. Which means they know exactly what they’re doing, but want to pretend they don’t.

rainsometimes · 16/07/2021 01:11

@Squeakysqueal

She has her own room at her mum’s
Then I think she should get the box room. This is life. I shared a room with my brother till I was 10 then soon as I turned 10 my sister was born and had to share with a newborn until I moved our 8 years later.

My older brother (half) he just stayed on sofa or shared with my brother.
It's just the way it is sometimes

GreyhoundG1rl · 16/07/2021 01:15

@NoNever

It’s interesting that I never see posts from step parents arguing for their own child getting the small bedroom. Which means they know exactly what they’re doing, but want to pretend they don’t.
Agreed.
HelgaDownUnder · 16/07/2021 01:18

For an 11-year-old?! They will want a double bed not a tiny kids cabin bed with a 'den'!

This is nuts. An 11yo may want a whole load of things, but they don't always get them. A single bed is fine. A double bed is by no means the standard that should be expected for a child that age.

The tough part of blended families is you end up with children requiring two rooms. When housing is expensive this can become crippling for families. It's not as simple as saying everyone gets an equal bedroom, although children should always be provided with age-appropriate space.

SD should be ok in the small room, provided you spend some time and money on appropriate furniture and decorations. Make it clear you are prioritizing her for her own room as she will need privacy when she's a teenager, even if sharing with a toddler seems ok now.

The only person who gets a good deal out of this is your DS, but being the only child of a gender can work in your favour that way. (My DD is the youngest and gets her own room, which is one of the best rooms because she's the only girl, and the youngest, and the room is next to mine.)

Families are sometimes about sharing resources in a way that meets everyone's needs, not rigid expectations of equal resources.

Dinosauraddict · 16/07/2021 01:24

As a teenager I got the smallest room at my DDads. My much younger stepbrother (who was theoretically there 100% of the time, but did also go to his own dad's so not the best argument) automatically got the bigger room. As a teenager that made me feel rubbish and really unwelcome. Just something to think about for your poor SD.

Highwoman · 16/07/2021 01:25

Children are young for such a short time. Give her a decent room! Unless you don't want her to want to be there! I remember a friend, her only child was a baby and her husband's sons were given a crappy box rm with bunk beds and her girl got a massive room. The boys stopped coming as soon as they were old enough.
I was so sad for them.

starrynight21 · 16/07/2021 01:27

Could the master bedroom be used by two girls, and you get a smaller room ?

DuchessDarty · 16/07/2021 01:37

@GreyhoundG1rl

To be honest we were lucky to find a house with 4 bedrooms so that’s why we bought up You said it had the same amount of bedrooms as your current house.
Yes the OP did say it had the same number of bedrooms.

The OP also started a thread last week about girls’ baby names where she said the baby will be a little sister to [boy’s name]. No mention of the DD the OP already has according to this thread.

I did a search of the OP’s name as this was familiar. There have been SO many threads about step-children, new babies and bedrooms recently, a few of which were taken down.

CharlotteRose90 · 16/07/2021 01:38

Give her the box room. She’s only there 50% of the time. Then your dd and baby can share one and ds has the other. Sorry but they live there full time they shouldn’t be shoved in the small room. I had the box room when my dad got a new family and it never bothered me I was just glad to see my dad. She’s 11 she doesn’t need a double bed either get a single bed or one of those high beds with room underneath for storage.

Bibbidiboo · 16/07/2021 01:40

To me it depends on what you are planning on doing for the first 6months-12 months with bub.

If bub will be in your room in a bassinet then I would give the two older kids the big rooms and the youngest the small room. But make it very clear their will be some shuffling happening once bub is ready for their cot. With EITHER DS or DSD moving into the smaller room so the two youngest can share. But don’t bother saying who yet you can sort it out later - toss a coin or your son might volunteer (often teenage boys don’t care about their room the same way teenage girls do)

If you are planning on putting baby in a room straight away I would give her the box room so she doesn’t wake the others up through the night. And again make it clear that you will re visit this in a year or so

DuchessDarty · 16/07/2021 01:42

But anyway, I’ll bite.

There’s no great solution to this and it doesn’t make sense why you moved?? On the surface the fairest thing seems for the two eleven year olds to have the same and get the biggest rooms, with DSD getting the larger of the two doubles in preparation for sharing with the baby or DD.

DD in the boxroom. When baby is old enough for own room, she goes in the box room and 6yo DD goes in with DSD. Or the baby goes in with her. Or DSD and DD swap at that point.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/07/2021 01:49

So theoretically she’s fine with sharing…here’s what I would do. DSD gets one of the larger rooms, DS, the other, DD6 gets the box room.

When baby is ready for a room DSD gets to choose. Share with baby or move into box room. If she still insists on sharing … job done. If she hates the idea (she’ll hate the idea) then either tell her tough luck and she’s stuck or swap box room with DSD and DD6. Either way you’ve got some time to sort this out.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 16/07/2021 01:49

As others have said, get one of those space saver set ups where there is a desk and wardrobe underneath the bed.

I would maybe just say to the kids that whoever has the bigger room has to share, but whoever gets the small room will definitely always have it to themselves.

I don't think small rooms are inherently bad. If you're creative with the space they can be very cosy, and I would certainly prefer that to sharing a room! I always had the box room growing up, as I was the youngest, and I never minded it at all. I know some kids would prefer to share and have a bigger room. Hence why I suggest asking them all what they want.

FortunesFave · 16/07/2021 01:54

Youngest gets smallest. That's how most do it. I don't blame her...she feels like you don't care.

Kokeshi123 · 16/07/2021 01:55

Always weirded out by the people on here who insist that kids over a certain age MUST have a double bed.

Where I live, most single-person type bedrooms will not even fit a double.

FortunesFave · 16/07/2021 01:55

When baby is ready for a room DSD gets to choose. Share with baby or move into box room.

This is sensible.

RedRoomAvenger · 16/07/2021 02:03

I think 11 is a bit too old for a kids cabin cabin. Once my dd started secondary school it wasn't long before they were seen as babyish after she learnt her friends had proper beds when she slept over.

Its would be a great solution for the six year old though but then in year or two once baby is in their own room it makes more sense for her to share as their bedtimes are gonna be much earlier and a teen won't be waking a baby up.

Both the older kids are approaching an age where their friendships are managed by themselves and will want friends round to hang out in their bedrooms, as well as the need for privacy and a quite place to study. A box room isn't great for either of them but is also not suitable for a six year old and baby to share either.

I'd start with both older kids in the larger rooms and youngest in little room but make it very clear to both older kids they need to be prepared to have the box room at some point and you and your dh will work something out for studying, maybe a desk in your room or something.

I know this sounds extreme but what my friend did to make sure all kids were treat the same (she only had one whereas her dh had two who were 50/50) was the three kids has the normal sized bedrooms and they had rails installed railings in the box room for hanging their clothes and stuff on and got an expensive sofa bed for themselves so that all the kids had their own space, they moved to house with the same number of bedrooms but it also had a small dining room and the parents ended up getting a double bed in there.

Maybe also show both older kids some of the really nice box room ideas on Pinterest like the one attached and you might find one of them willingly chooses that room.

Step daughter and bedroom size
DuchessDarty · 16/07/2021 02:03

@Kokeshi123

Always weirded out by the people on here who insist that kids over a certain age MUST have a double bed.

Where I live, most single-person type bedrooms will not even fit a double.

Who has insisted on that in this thread? LITERALLY NOONE.

One PP said that 11 the DD will want a double bed rather than a bunk/desk combo, but that’s not the same as the poster insisting.

FortunesFave · 16/07/2021 02:07

@FortunesFave

When baby is ready for a room DSD gets to choose. Share with baby or move into box room.

This is sensible.

On second thoughts it might not be....if DSD chooses the box room then that leaves the other sister forced to share with the youngest. She may not agree easily.
blahblahblah321 · 16/07/2021 02:21

She has her own room at her mums, but is it also the smallest on the basis that she's only part time there too? Or is it a reasonable size? If it's small, I can see her upset - both houses treating her differently because of her situation.

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