Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

On second thoughts it might not be....if DSD chooses the box room then that leaves the other sister forced to share with the youngest. She may not agree easily.

Someone's going to have to share with the youngest, unless the youngest is the only one of the girls to have a room to herself. I wouldn't expect that to be a pleasant conversation no matter what OP does here. But if DD6 shares with DSD11, DD6 will have the room to herself half the time when DD11 isn't there, so maybe that wouldn't be too terrible. If I understood OP's posts right, DSD11 has said she'd rather share than have the box room, but I'm not clear on whether she meant sharing with the baby when she's old enough, or sharing with DD6 right now.

Does your step daughter get treated this way at her mums as well? Where she counts as less because she's only there 50 per cent of the time? Bit shit really, the other kids get to live with both their parents, don't have to constantly shuffle between homes and get the best of things because they're there all the time.

I think the thing is to talk WITH DSD.

I'd be tempted to do a boy's room, a girls' room and then make the small room into a study area which is out of bounds to anyone under 11.

As DS has his own room he won't need to use it but DSD would get her own space for homework, to get away from much younger siblings or to have a time out.

This might not work as they get older but that's the thing, teenagers sometimes want to move rooms, rearrange the furniture and decoration.

@Ozanj

I would be giving DSD the slightly bigger room, your DS the box room, and the biggest room is for your 6 yo to share with the baby. 11 yo girls need bigger rooms than boys do; as she gets older she will have clothes, make up, just more stuff; and as she’s only there 50/50 she will be bringing luggage which also needs to be factored in.

This is very sexist and silly. My DD does not have more stuff than her brothers. If she did, I'd tell her she was hoarding/wasting money. Aside from a general admonishment against gender-based assumptions, lots of boys have books, lego and collectables (and yeah, DS may need his own makeup). A child's needs do not get determined by their gender!

A dedicated 'study zone' is a great idea when you have teens and limited bedrooms. Especially as they do their homework online, and are more productive if their device use is casually supervised.

Does the house have room for a dedicated study area, even portioned off from the lounge?

The children who live there full time get the bigger bedrooms.

I don’t agree that the 6 year old should have the smallest room just because she’s the youngest. What stupid unfair logic is that? She’ll have far more toys and stuff than an 11yo who only stays there part time any way.

It’s not about OP favouring her own children. It’s about being practical and making it fair for the children who will use the space the most. SD will have a room and have her own space which I’m sure will be decorated nicely for her. She’ll be fine.

It’s interesting that I never see posts from step parents arguing for their own child getting the small bedroom. Which means they know exactly what they’re doing, but want to pretend they don’t.

Given the propensity for houses to have unequal size bedrooms I imagine this a frequent scenario. I have multiple sets of friends with 3+children (not step children) and they are always in heated discussions about what's fair. It's rare that adults and children see it in the same way.

I would say to DSD that you have two choices that you are willing to do and she can pick which one she prefers.

1. She have the box room and work on furniture that will work for her... perhaps a loft bed with a futon underneath so she can have a friend sleep over and have somewhere to sit when she has friends over or wants to sit in her room

2. Share the big room with her 6 year old sister and use the box room for a nursery.

If she chooses 2 I suggest you don't decorate until she has had a couple of weeks to try it out. She may change her mind.

If she chooses the box room she may need a study space elsewhere in the house.

I wouldn't give a six year old a choice usually. I personally wouldn't have an 11 yr old sharing with a baby if I had a different option.

At 11 she needs her own room for socialising with friends and doing homework.

Let the younger girls share for now and start making plans to convert the garage/set up a garden home office for when each of the four children need their own room!

Give her the option, own (small) room or share with dd. Baby can have the small room.

Why should the boy always have a big bedroom while the three girls are all squeezed

Because he's the only boy and like it or not lives there double the time.

I don't know what the answer is but I don't think putting a child who lives there twice as long into the box room so that DSD isn't upset is fair either.

It’s interesting that I never see posts from step parents arguing for their own child getting the small bedroom. Which means they know exactly what they’re doing, but want to pretend they don’t

Plenty of families have this problem, it's not unique to step parents.

The only thing that's unique to a blended family is that usually one of the children doesn't

I have seen so many posts like this recently where blended families add new children, don’t have enough bedrooms or space and expect SC to sleep in living room/on sofa/in tiny box room.
Don’t adults think about these things before adding more children in the mix?
OP SD will be a teenager soon and won’t be happy in a box room! Seems really unfair.

Posted to soon..

*The only thing that's unique to blended families is that usually one of the children doesn't live their full time. And I do think that throws up the question of whether it's then fair to put full time resident children in a smaller room so a child who isn't there full time can have a bigger one. And I think it's a perfectly understandable question.

It's important to consider resident DC too, not just DSC.

I wonder how many of us had box rooms as a teenager, I know plenty of my friends who did and they all survived. It's not favourable no but it's hardly uncommon or neglectful.

Live there*

And it's also not feasible for an 11 (older by the time we are talking too) to share with a young baby who'll be going to bed much earlier than she will. The 6 year old is much more likely to have a similar bed time.

People will only focus on the fact she's a step child though and not the actual practicalities of the situation.

I think it’s about making her feel like she has agency and choice. Explain the situation about future sharing, and say that she can have the bigger room if she’s happy to move to smaller in the event that she’s not keen to share with baby when the time comes but also show her the options for dressing the room and the potential under bed den etc. She should be part of the decision and then she’ll be much happier, rather than feeling like Harry Potter under the stairs with no say in the matter .

I would give her the smallest room (as she is there fifty percent of the time I would assume she has less 'stuff' in the property than the other children) I would decorate it In her favourite theme. I would also but the biggest bed that would comfortably fit in the room, homework/studies can easily be done without a desk (mine was done sat on my bed resting my work on a large hardback book, I lived!) Or she can use one of the desks in another room.
As for all of the previous posters insisting she will want a double bed/box rooms are tantamount to negligence you must live very privileged lives as in most houses around me the third bedroom is always a tiny box room so it stands to reason that in a family with two children one of them will be in that room until they can afford to move out. Do we only have the amount of children that we can provide with double bedrooms? Should we abort unplanned pregnancies in case the unborn baby suffers the horror of the box room?
I am sure that whether the SD or one of OP's children has the smallest room they will get over it.

I wouldn't buy a house that didn't adequately house my dogs, never mind my children.

I don't know why you're even asking on here.
It makes sense for her to have the box room. I loved mine as a teen. Don't have a loft bed though.

In my house sdd has the smallest room as she is here the least amount of time. She is fine with it but we are doing it up for her. She has a big bedroom at her mum's house. It's not that she is sidelined its just that she uses it less and has less stuff in it .

@everybloodyusername

I wouldn't buy a house that didn't adequately house my dogs, never mind my children.

It does adequately house the children.

Why do so many on MN think that every child should have a large airy bedroom all of their own?

Bonkers!

I think it’s about making her feel like she has agency and choice.

Dear god!

Theoretically the step kids have 2 rooms!