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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:

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PurpleOkapi · 16/07/2021 00:14

What's your long-term plan for who gets what room? You'll have 4 children and 2.5 bedrooms. There's no way to make a fair arrangement there. No matter what you do, two children will have to share a large room, one will have a large room to him/herself, and one will have the small room to him/herself. This really should have been discussed and sorted before you either bought the house or decided to have another baby, because it's a no-win situation for a blended family.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/07/2021 00:14

For an 11 year old?! They will want a double bed not a tiny kids cabin bed with a 'den'!

I don't understand why you can't put the baby in the smallest room?

An 11 doesn't need a double bed. Lots of doubles won't fit a double and a single plus storage let alone two doubles!

What’s the plan for when you have two 17 year olds, a 12 year old and a 7 year old - sharing won’t work so well then of course a 12 yo can share with a 17 to or q 7 yo. Lots of kids share rooms and still manange to not become drop outs who's parents failed them at life

JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace · 16/07/2021 00:16

May be completely impossible / impractical, depending on layout and finances, but could you remodel two larger bedrooms into three smaller ones? Then everyone gets their own room.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/07/2021 00:17

And I plead again - don’t give your soon exclusive lifetime rights to a big bedroom just because he is a boy. It’s just as bad as giving dsd the crappiest room because she isn’t there full time.
Presumably is her 11 yo was a girl, her younger one, step child and unborn baby were all boys, her 11 yo wolde getting the big room without argument as she's one of the oldest, there full time and a different sex to everyone else.

Ops son shouldn't have to have the box room because he's male and he needs putting in his place

PurpleOkapi · 16/07/2021 00:22

Is the baby a girl or a boy? This bit is unclear:

Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room.

OP, do you mean the baby will be sharing the bigger room with the 6-year-old girl, or the 11-year-old girl will be sharing the bigger room with the 6-year-old girl while the baby gets the tiny room?

Ideasplease322 · 16/07/2021 00:22

Well now that’s not what I said!

But in all situations discussed three girls share 1.5 bedrooms and there is no risk the son gets a small bedroom.

If now two older kids each get a large bedroom, and whichever girl is willing to share with baby then gets big bedroom - the boy and the girl who moves out could flip a coin.

Why should the boy always have a big bedroom while the three girls are all squeezed. There should at least be a chance that the boy takes his turn and might spend some time in the little room. At the moment he is sitting pretty

I am just trying to come up with options that make it a little fairer for all the kids.

It’s also a google lesson in equslity, fairness and compromise (as well as probability on the coin toss).

Eviethyme · 16/07/2021 00:23

I wouldn't be having a boy coming into puberty and a girl sharing. Your son needs privacy as he's going to be going into that age.

I would have all the girls and the baby sharing

Personally I wouldn't even think of moving to a house that isn't big enough for 4 kids.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/07/2021 00:25

@Eviethyme

I wouldn't be having a boy coming into puberty and a girl sharing. Your son needs privacy as he's going to be going into that age.

I would have all the girls and the baby sharing

Personally I wouldn't even think of moving to a house that isn't big enough for 4 kids.

And if op can't afford a 5 bed and should what?

Ideasplease322 · 16/07/2021 00:27

@Eviethyme

I wouldn't be having a boy coming into puberty and a girl sharing. Your son needs privacy as he's going to be going into that age.

I would have all the girls and the baby sharing

Personally I wouldn't even think of moving to a house that isn't big enough for 4 kids.

I don’t think anyone has suggested the boy share with the girls?

It’s just a question over who gets the big rooms and who gets the small one?

Shadedog · 16/07/2021 00:28

I would be very pissed off as the 11yo boy if my same age stepsister got the big room even though she was there half the amount of time I was. He would be sitting in the box room doing his homework in his bed as no room for a desk and looking across the hall at a large, empty room. If the 6yo was a boy I guess the boys would be together in the big room and dsd in the other big room and baby in the tiny room.
I don’t think you can give one of your 11 yos room to study and not the other

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/07/2021 00:37

Yabu

Smallest gets smallest room really although I dont understand why this wasnt all taken into account before having another baby.

I'd apologise to SD and say you've reconsidered.

Ideasplease322 · 16/07/2021 00:39

Then the two 11 year olds each get a big room and the 6 year old shared with the baby in the tiny room?

No matter what way you look at it someone gets screwed! It can’t be okay for either 11 of ear old not to have room to study. Dsd will be there 50% of the time. Rotating the rooms every couple of years might be the fairest solution. Paint them in white and add colour through curtains, duvets etc.

OP why on earth did you buy this house😂😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/07/2021 00:39

From her perspective, you are prioritising your children. To put it bluntly, she probably feels you have basically bred more kids to her detriment. Allocating rooms on this basis gives your youngest dd not only have the benefit of living with mum and dad full time but a larger bedroom. Your dsd is not happy she is being relegated to a very small space and it’s not fair. She’s telling you this if you’d only listen.

I’d either give the smaller room to your youngest or to your ds. Boys tend not to care so much about their room and living space. You can always move things around once the baby is older as they’ll be in with you for a while I presume.

redtshirt50 · 16/07/2021 00:44

I think giving her the small room based on her only being there half the time is BU.

Imagine if her mum said the same - then she’s stuck with a tiny horrible room all the time just because she’s only in each house half the time. Its making her feel you view her as a visitor not as someone with equal rights in the household.

Give her the bigger room for now, things came always be arranged differently later on.

Micemakingclothes · 16/07/2021 00:44

It does make some sense for her to have the small room, but where is she going to study and do homework? She needs a desk. So will the other older child. Both of them are going to need quiet space free from the younger children to work. Where is that going to be?

Homemadearmy · 16/07/2021 00:46

Have the children seen the house. We've just had a reshuffle and my 16 year old picked the smaller of the two rooms as he liked it more
My 11 year old has the smallest room. Approx 5..5 feet by 9. He loves it. He's got a loft bed, a 8 cube kallax for his clothes at the end of the bed and a four cube kallax and bean bag under the bed. He does have room for a chair. But he prefers a besnbag

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 16/07/2021 00:49

Put DSD and DD6 together. Half the time DD6 will have the room to herself. Give DS the other big room and baby in the small room.

Nancydrawn · 16/07/2021 00:49

I may have missed something, but what if the baby is a boy?

Nancydrawn · 16/07/2021 00:50

(Obviously it won't matter for a while, but eventually it will mean your youngest daughter will have a brother who's five years younger, which isn't going to work for sharing either.)

Goldielow · 16/07/2021 00:52

If it's just a decision made on her being there half the time then I see why she'd be upset, logically of course it means half her stuff are there so not as much space needed, but to her it's like being downgraded and feeling out if place.

That being said the rule when I was growing up was the youngest got the biggest room because younger children have more toys and things. In terms of practicality I'm sure your younger two take up a lot more space than the 11 year old with what they need.
I'd look at it objectively if it were me. If your step-daughter is anything like my friends 11 year old she likely spends the majority of her time on a phone or laptop and doesn't need much space. The decision shouldn't be made on respect for the oldest or who's there the most, who has the most stuff?

OppsUpsSide · 16/07/2021 00:53

This is a problem that can come with 50/50 shared care, the child is a ‘part-timer’ in both households. If she was with you less of the time it wouldn’t matter so much, but as it is half I think you need to make more accommodations.

GreyhoundG1rl · 16/07/2021 00:54

OP why on earth did you buy this house😂😂
It's a very good question. Is your dsd the only one being shortchanged by the move, op?
How are the rooms allocated in your current place?

rainsometimes · 16/07/2021 00:57

I don't think yabu at all.

Why should one of the full time residents have the smallest room? Yes your dsd is there 50 percent, but your children are there 100 percent and I assume dsd has a bigger room at her mums. Your children don't have another room?

Original poster

Squeakysqueal · 16/07/2021 00:57

To be honest we were lucky to find a house with 4 bedrooms so that’s why we bought up. Some people seem to have assumed I’m some sort of evil step mother. I love her the same as I love all my children and she’s always been treated the same.the reason is because she’s here half the time because say if DS had the small he would be in there twice the amount of time. It’s nothing to do with her not being my biological child, if I could I’d give them all huge bedrooms but I can’t.

If the baby goes in the small room (baby is a girl btw) then step DD would have to share. I thought it would be nicer for her to have her own room. There would be space for a desk if there was a high up loft bed in there

OP posts:

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 16/07/2021 00:58

It's not ideal moving to a smaller house with another child on the way, but presumably you have no choice. Your DSD may not be happy, but the cold, hard facts are that it makes no sense to give the largest room to someone who is only at your house 50% of the time and put the full time residents in the smaller rooms. You can sympathise with DSD and admit it's not ideal, but it is what it is. I survived in a very small bedroom and was fine. Get her involved in choosing the decor and colour scheme and maximise the space available. At the end of the day she has two bedrooms over two houses available to accommodate all her stuff, your other DC have only one.

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