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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
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7
notthemum · 16/07/2021 05:58

So the kids break up from school in a week. They are then gioing to be bored for a good part of the next six weeks. Go to IKEA get some large sheets of drawing paper, decent pens, pencils rubbers, tape measures, glue. Give the kids a catalogue each ànd help them measure the dimensions of the 3 rooms available.
Get them to go through the catalogues and work within the space limits for each of the rooms, or check if it would be possible to move one of the doors in order to give a bit more floor space. They may come come up with something no-one has considered yet, or you may find yourself with a budding architect on your hands. You might get a small amount of peace and the kids may join together to try to solve the problem.
Make it clear the adults will have the final say but their input will be very welcome.

JustGiveMeGin · 16/07/2021 05:58

The house my husband and I lived in pre children was a tiny two bedroom terraced.....I believe the largest family that lived it it was a mum, dad and 11 children Shock. Now I'm sure that would have been overcrowded!
I cannot believe the amount of grief the op is getting in this thread for not providing a small mansion for her children....it's almost as if the vast majority of mumsnetters are very well off and have no idea how the vast majority of the population actually live.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/07/2021 06:00

@Ozanj

I would be giving DSD the slightly bigger room, your DS the box room, and the biggest room is for your 6 yo to share with the baby. 11 yo girls need bigger rooms than boys do; as she gets older she will have clothes, make up, just more stuff; and as she’s only there 50/50 she will be bringing luggage which also needs to be factored in.
You'd give the 11 year old boy who lives there full time the tiny room because boys don't need as much space as girls?? Outrageous.
malificent7 · 16/07/2021 06:03

Yes...this is the real world...we moved from a 2 bed to a 4 bed the other day...bigger house. There is still a " box" room but it is an adequate size.

malificent7 · 16/07/2021 06:04

She will get over it.

Meruem · 16/07/2021 06:05

Most make do with what they have and don’t pander to sulking

I agree with this. As a step child myself I used to sleep on a mattress on the living room floor at weekends! It didn’t scar me for life! That was the situation and I understood that.

She’s getting her own space. There are a ton of space saving solutions out there to give her a place to study etc. It makes no sense for the full time DC to have the smallest room.

lovethisjourneyforme · 16/07/2021 06:10

Baby goes in your room.

6 year old in box room.

DS in big room.

DSD in other big room.

Maybe consider doing up the attic in the next year or so? Then shove one of the 11 year olds in there. Teenagers like to be quirky and independent so maybe a funky caravan for the garden when they're a bit older?

CallItLoneliness · 16/07/2021 06:23

Is DS there all the time, though? Or is he not your DH's and sees his dad sometimes? Either way as long as your DH is happy to see less of his DD, who is close to an age at which she can choose, it's totally fine to make her unwelcome and put her in the box room.

If that's not the case, you might want to rethink things, with perhaps you and DH taking the box room longer term, and the 6yo and the baby sharing the master.

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 06:39

Is DS there all the time, though? Or is he not your DH's and sees his dad sometimes?

Even if he isn’t there full time, that’s his main home if op is the RP to her son, the same way dsd’s main home is with her mum. I doubt her mum is quick to give her a box room in her main home either.

ElderMillennial · 16/07/2021 06:44

OP I think it makes sense for DSD to have the smaller room

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/07/2021 06:47

The OP is providing a plenty big enough house for her family. Typical UK 3 & 4 bed houses nearly always have a box room and it's often a teen who is put in it as younger children have much bulkier toys etc.

To me of course the person who is only there 50% of the time does not get first dibs on a room. Where is the sense in a large room unused for half the week? I do think it's worth asking your DS if he wouldn't mind, since she clearly feels strongly. I would also consider the option of the two girls sharing and having the box room for the baby eventually. I would also say that if either of your children are away with their dad for some of the time that also changed things.

But someone has to have the smallest room in any house and that person isn't being "put last" it's based on a sensible consideration of the facts.

Draineddraineddrained · 16/07/2021 06:53

People arent having a go at OP for failing to provide a mansion for her kids; they are having a go at her for having MORE kids when she currently only has space for the ones she's got.

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 07:01

People arent having a go at OP for failing to provide a mansion for her kids; they are having a go at her for having MORE kids when she currently only has space for the ones she's got.

Oh no the world might end now.

ElderMillennial · 16/07/2021 07:03

People arent having a go at OP for failing to provide a mansion for her kids; they are having a go at her for having MORE kids when she currently only has space for the ones she's got.

She has got space for them and isn't even expecting DSD to share a room. I see so many posts on mumsnet about OPs having more children when they don't have enough bedrooms and people are generally supportive. It's also common for one child to have a "box" room or smaller room.

Because this situation involves a step child the bar is unreasonably high.

newnortherner111 · 16/07/2021 07:04

Probably the best choice given the house and the situation you are in. Any option would not be great for one child.

CallMeRisley · 16/07/2021 07:06

@lovethisjourneyforme

Baby goes in your room.

6 year old in box room.

DS in big room.

DSD in other big room.

Maybe consider doing up the attic in the next year or so? Then shove one of the 11 year olds in there. Teenagers like to be quirky and independent so maybe a funky caravan for the garden when they're a bit older?

A caravan in the garden Hmm Would love to see the thread in a few years time AIBU to put DSD in a caravan in the garden when she’s here 50/50?
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 07:07

Small room is fine. If they were all your kids one of them would need the small room and not have a whole other room!

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 16/07/2021 07:11

The resident child should have the best bedroom. The other child has a bedroom in her other home. Why she she have two good bedrooms and the child whose full time home it is suffer? Far too much pandering to SC goes on here.

DinosaurDiana · 16/07/2021 07:12

The SD will soon be a teenager and glad of her own space, however big it is. And she won’t be wanting to share with a baby/toddler.

DeathStare · 16/07/2021 07:14

I'd give one of the bigger rooms to DD and put a cot in it from day 1 (even if it's just a travel cot) to make it clear that this is a shared room, not her room.

Then DSD and DS can pick between them who gets which room, and if they can't decide, toss a coin.

jeanne16 · 16/07/2021 07:15

I was the youngest child and got the smallest room in the house. I also obviously became a teenager but still stayed in the smallest room. This, and other things, made me feel like the least important member of the family.

I’m just pointing this out as whatever the OP does, she will create potential issues.

DeathStare · 16/07/2021 07:16

@funinthesun19

Is DS there all the time, though? Or is he not your DH's and sees his dad sometimes?

Even if he isn’t there full time, that’s his main home if op is the RP to her son, the same way dsd’s main home is with her mum. I doubt her mum is quick to give her a box room in her main home either.

DSD is there 50/50. This is her main home just as much as the other home is.
Chittychittybangbang123 · 16/07/2021 07:17

YANBU.
Give the bigger bedrooms to the children who are there 100% of the time.
She will get over it. Children do not need their own room, not alone a huge one.

daisypond · 16/07/2021 07:17

I don’t get the loathing for small rooms. I used to pick the smallest room as my favourite - cosy. My nephew also picked the box room as his preference. Have you asked your DC if they have a room preference? Or are there any plus points to the small room that you could emphasise?

PatchworkElmer · 16/07/2021 07:22

I’d put DSD and the 6yo together in 1 room, DS in the other big one, baby in the box room. Give DSD the option of the box room if she’s unhappy with the realities of sharing. Don’t decorate as she’s likely to change her mind.