Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

320 replies

lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:38

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help


OP posts:

Camillathechicken · 25/11/2007 19:40

she must be under a huge amount of stress and having a horrific time.hence acting totally out of character

despite that, surely she cannot terminate the contract without notice?

either way you need to decide if you want your DD to carry on going to her, or if this has ruined things irretrievably


fuzzywuzzy · 25/11/2007 19:42

wow I've sometimes forgotten to pay the nanny bang on time due to a manic life sometimes getting in the way, and the nanny has never ever spoken to me with anything but sympathy.
If she flies off the handle so easily, is your dd OK in her charge her do you think????


lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:43

I am totally at a loss, she is an excellent cm and also we have developed a friendship.

I really dont want to loose her, but I must admit, I wonder if she is fit to care for children at the moment, for her own sakes.

It is totally out of character completely, but that does not excuse her behaviour iyswim

OP posts:

WestCountryLass · 25/11/2007 19:43

She doesn't seem very professional tbh. She herself does not sound very reliable with the stress and everything, what makes her such a great childminder? Because unless she is super brilliant, I wlould be finding another.


LadyOfTheFlowers · 25/11/2007 19:44

I have no experience here, but if it was me, I would phone work and tell them what has happened and you may not be in or whatever, and just go round with DD as usual and see what happens.
She may be still embarassed at her actions or something?


LoveMyGirls · 25/11/2007 19:45

As hard as it is i wouldn't take this personally it sounds like she has a lot going on.

Hopefully she will have calmed down and contact you tomorrow in the meantime can you arrange short term cover for your dd as it sounds like she hasn't got her mind focused on her business at the moment.

Speaking as a cm myself i know it's a lot harder to find new mindees than to look after current mindees, so if she is stressed at the moment it will get worse trying to find new work on top of normal day to day stuff so I would think she will be very very apologetic very soon and if she isnt then you really are best finding someone else to care for your dd imo.


lalalonglegs · 25/11/2007 19:45

If you think she is best person to care for your dd, then check contract and see how many weeks notice she must give you. Probably by tomorrow she will be kicking herself for being so bad tempered and everyone can move on.


scattyspice · 25/11/2007 19:45

Poor you, what a nightmare. As Camilla says do you have a written contract? If not I guess anything could happen and you might be better off looking elsewhere.

Good luck.


lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:46

Honestly she is a fabulous childminder and this is totally out of character.

I wrote her a fab ofsted ref last week, my dd loves her.

I really think that she is suffering terribly from stress, but dont feel like she should be taking it out on me.

OP posts:

lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:48

I want to help her really.

Is it that unreasonable to be abit late with the payment, would a text reminding me to pay, not be sufficient?

OP posts:

LadyOfTheFlowers · 25/11/2007 19:49

The only thing that has crossed my mind is, if she is having a terrible time, which she obviously is, I would be worried of her taking it out on the kids a bit iyswim?
No intentionally, but I know when I had a lot on my plate, I snapped at the kids a bit more often and unnecessarily?


scattyspice · 25/11/2007 19:49

No she shouldn't be. She has a working relationship with you as well as friendship.


lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:50

thats what went through my mind tbh.

I am fortunate enough to be able to take a few weeks off work unpaid then I an having 4 weeks holiday over xmas, so I may do this and look elsewhere for childcare although I dont want dd to go anywhere else

OP posts:

donnie · 25/11/2007 19:52

she sounds like she has flipped out. Plus she can't just terminate the contract like that surely?

I would think she has just snapped under the strain of all her problems and she probably feels awful about it.


DaisyMoo · 25/11/2007 19:53

I think I would be prepared to overlook behaviour like this from many people in this kind of situation, but not from a childminder. You need to have absolute trust and faith in the person looking after your children - if she can act in such an aggressive and unpleasant way with you, albeit out of character, are you sure she wouldn't 'snap' in a similar way with your dd?

In all honesty I would be looking for a different CM.


lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:55

You know I think she has prob just flipped out, but why me, why do I get it in the neck.

Iam sitting here in tears wondering why I am always getting this shit.

I try to be a nice person, and i think ihave been really supportive, and yet this gets thrown back in my face

OP posts:

Carmenere · 25/11/2007 19:56

Sorry but I agree with Daisymoo. She may be having a rough time but she is behaving in an unreasonable and unstable fashion and you can't have someone looking after your child who can fly off the handle like that.

And certainly don't feel bad, she was excessively rude.


scattyspice · 25/11/2007 19:57

Its just bad luck lily.


lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:58

other people who know her, said I should give her the benefit of the doubt, and she is clearly very stressed.

I also instincively know she would never hurt the children.

Does the menopause do this to people?

OP posts:

Carmenere · 25/11/2007 19:58

And I would tell her, she needs to know that her attitude is unacceptable for a CM. you have been understanding and supportive, you don't deserve her attitude.


SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 19:59

YANBU - Sounds like the stress has made her crack. I'd be worried about my dc being looked after someone who has reacted like this, to be honest.

I would take some time off if you can, like you say, in order for her to sort herself out. What you do after that depends on how things span out I imagine.


Misdee · 25/11/2007 20:00

straw that broket the camels back maybe?

i am not CM, but at time sopf great stress (dh had a heart transplant over the summer) soemthing like a late payment would make everything seem so much worse. becuase i had a heavy schedule at weekends with hospita visits etc, if i didnt have cash as hadnt been paid then i couldnt get shopping, get petrol, get to the hospital etc etc.

money is what makes the world go round. at the end of the day, would you be happy getting your money late from your place of employment?

i would give her time to calm down ,she sounds like she has a lot on atm, and is very stressed.


lilymolly · 25/11/2007 20:14

hey misdee, totally understand your opinion, but a husbands organ transplant is a totally different thing, to family stress.

(Hope your husband is ok btw)

I am so upset about this.

my mil, thinks I should go around tomorrow and talk to her, what does everyone think?

OP posts:

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 20:15

Before you talk to her you need to decide what you're going to do.


Elizabetth · 25/11/2007 20:15

You're saying you're being supportive but then you forgot to pay her.

I think she's got a right to be annoyed that you didn't pay her. People rely on their wages, so not being paid is an extremely big deal, particularly when you know she's got a lot of other things on her plate.

I'd guess you won't be able to sort things out with her until you realise you're the one who is out of order here.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?