to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

[lilymolly]

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

I agree with franny here, I am self employed an get a cheque once a month from the company I get my work through, yet it is a battle to get that cheque sometimes. I too feel it is disrespectful.
In this case it seems like that everything that has gone wrong has. If you want her to continue you will have to approach her and let bygones be bygones.

I agree Camilla - this woman is running a business - if a nursery manager spoke like this to parents I bet everyone would be outraged!!

agree its not fair to have to beg for the money, but cm has worked for me for over a year, and has "never" had to remind me to pay for childcare fees.

You don't live in Reading do you... I have vacancies .

Message withdrawn

No opposite end of country in durham!

I think I'd phone tomorrow and just say "Are we ok for tomorrow or did you mean what you said about not wanting dd any more"
If she says she meant it then I would say something about it being a shame to end it this way, mention contracts etc but don't send dd if she backs down.
If she is at all stand-offish or says ok but sounds like she's doing you a favour then I would say something about thanks very much but it would be best all round if you found somewhere else.
On the other hand if she is really apologetic then say that's great, see you in the morning.
Good luck!

I would phone or text her tomorrow. Depending on her reply/attitude and demeanour will demonstrate whether your relationship with her, both as a CM and a friend, has irretrievably broken down.

You may resolve this issue, but then you will be on tenterhooks forever wondering if something else may set her off. Yes, she is under stress, yes you should have paid her without being reminded, but she was rude, unprofessional and grossly overreacted.

I think a frank discussion is in order for tomorrow, and if she avoids you or is unapologetic then you will need to find alternative childcare.

Shame.

Anyhooo I agree with Lennygirl.

Lenny, prob I am so upset about this as I am a sensitive cow

Lillymolly - I would sleep on it and make a decision in the morning.

I don't think you can mend this relationship if she doesn't apologise. It might all blow over, but the fact that she has been absolutely horrible to you and feels she has a right to be so, for one mistake which you immediately rectified, will rankle. Unless you're a saint, you will gradually feel very resesntful that she has been so nasty to you with no acknowledgement that her response has been disproportionate.

You can't just turn up on Tuesday, she mgiht tell you to piss off and leave you in the lurch. If you really want to sort it out with her (and I must confess I'm mystified as to why you want to bother, you sound fairly saintly to me) you are going to have to talk to her tomorrow. But I wouldn't go round, if she's decided she hates you and never wants you to darken her doors again, it would be very intrusive of you to turn up on her doorstep and she will only upset you again and possibly upset your daughter (I would be very concerned about sending my DD to a CM who has bonded so little with her that she can dump her so suddenly- she's dumped her as well, not just you remember). Phone her or text her and if she doesn't respond, start looking for alternatives.

I think you should take the power back tbh. Yes, you have made a mistake (the first & only one) and you have done your best to rectify it, to the best of your ability.

Accept her termination, find another cm and take control over your daughter's childcare. If you grovel to her you are continuing to give her the power over you.

lilymolly was supposed to pay the CM on Friday. And didn't. Then she promised to pay this weekend. And didn't. Finally at 4.30pm on Sunday the poor woman cracks and demands her money.

Clearly the doorstep row was Not A Good Thing. But I do think lilymolly was taking the piss - presumably not deliberately but the upshot is the same for the childminder. Sod how quickly a cheque clears, the issue is she should have had the money in her hand on Friday, was promised it over the weekend and still didn't get paid until she'd lost her rag.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time, Lily, but doesn't excuse you failing to pay the poor woman twice.

Hope you can both sort it out on Monday but won't work if you go into the conversation with a feeling that you are the injured party. She was wrong to have a go but you caused the situation in the first place.

only read op, you should pay on time.

But presumably lillymolly had to either forego a day's holiday or take unpaid leave to cover the cm's stress day. Obviously everybody is entitled to time off work for sickness, but as far as I can see lillymolly is the one ending the week 'out of pocket', but she has been supportive. On the other hand cm could not be civil, even once paid.

I know she wasn't going to have your dd on Friday as she was ill, but otherwise would she have taken her if you hadn't had the money Friday morning? I won't take a mindee unless I've been paid. No excuses.

No Edam, we agreed to pay the childminder over the weekend, not on friday, as I did not see her by her request, as dd was poorly, and agreed to pay her over the weekend, when does that end? 3pm on a sunday?

I am really trying hard not to be the injured party but even dp (who by the way is my BIGGEST critic) is starting to doubt her care for dd

You should have paid. Then paid when you said you would. We always paid our CM in advance on the first working day of the week. Then by the time the cheque cleared she'll have actually completed the "work".

However, her reaction was unprofessional, childish, churlish and excessive. I'd take her at her word, and not use her in future. I couldnt trust someone who was as emotionally unstable as she seems to be at the moment, and petty as to send narky texts and slam doors in peoples faces, to look after my child.

Now, whilst its great if you can find someone your child seems to like and bond with, it is of no benefit if it is upsetting you so greatly to continue with things. I think that children do find it remarkably easy to adapt to new situations, and build relationships with another person. You have the option of visiting as many people as you wish until you find the right one.

I'd take time off to find another minder, if I were you, and put this whole episode down to experience.

I have NEVER NOT PAID HER. I am a good payer, just a bit forgetfull this weekend, cos of stress with my dog and dd being poorly ffs.

I don't think she sounds stable enough to look after children quite honestly...

OK

I have apologised, dp apologised

Lets say for arguments skae we are totally in the wrong........

do we turn up on Tuesday or do we look for other arrangements

lilymolly -this conversation is going round in circles, also you keep having to repeat yourself.

My advice is to go and have a good chat with DH, sleep on it and make a decision tomorrow about whether to start looking for a new CM or build bridges with your old one.

As a few have said - don't just turn up on Tuesday, you need to speak to her first. You don't want a confrontation in front of your dd

I'm not making excuses for her behaviour, because that was totally out of order, really it was, but from a cm's point of view, when you have been told that monies will be paid over the weekend, when do you start to think 'its getting a bit late now, should I remind or should I just leave it?' This no way excuses the way she spoke to you or dh, but it really is very annoying when you are sitting waiting for payment and you don't know if your parents have remembered or not.

I really think you should re-think your childcare though. Fantastic or not, this is no way to speak to a client.