to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

[lilymolly]

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

[FrannyandZooey]

Well, you were in the wrong. You didn't pay her on time, and then you didn't pay her when you said you would, a second time.

She shouldn't have done what she did. But you were in the wrong if you are wanting to look at it that way.

[MadamePlatypus]

I am still a bit confused about the timeline. If you agreed that you would pay her over the weekend, and you paid her today, didn't you pay her as agreed?

[manchita]

LilyMolly, I would find another CM if at all poss. She does not seem to value your custom,has actually told you she no longer wishes to cm for you- you are paying her for a service so she should be a bit more professional/respectful.
I think she is obviously very angry with you, or at least feels she can be rude to your family.....I actually don't think there is much choice but to look elsewhere.

[Camillathechicken]

so , one strike and you are out?

she paid late once note repeatedly.. and surely a text along the lines of

'have you forgotten, please can you pay today?'

rather than binning her off would have been more appropriate and professional

[lilymolly]

Ok, so dp apologised, I apologised, she ignored me and slammed door in dp face. What more can I do?

Bollocks to humiliating asking for money, just send a text saying "please could you drop childcare fees at home as arranged"
job done no one hurt she is paid and everythings ok.

to scream and shout at dp is totally unacceptable and the more I write about this the more I am convinced she was in the wrong, the thing is though, do I forgive her?

[lilymolly]

the timeline was I would drop cash off over the weekend.......

[FrannyandZooey]

Yes it was unacceptable what she did

but you're using that to say that you did nothing wrong, I think

why not say there was fault on both sides and chalk up to experience?

[edam]

I'm with Franny and Elizabeth - yes, she over-reacted but not being paid and then being met with a load of pathetic excuses about a dog having puppies must have been beyond aggravating. Given the terrible stress she's under, it was probably the final straw. Particularly as you are a friend... it's a million times worse being treated badly by a friend than by someone with whom you merely have a business relationship.

She probably heard 'my dog having puppies is far more important than your kids needing to eat or your MIL dying'. Which will not be what your dh intended, of course. But paying self-employed people on time is very important. How would you like it if your boss couldn't be bothered to remember to pay you?

[Carmenere]

Lilymolly is guilty only of thoughtlessness. The financial aspect of this is bolleaux as she wouldn't have had the money over the weekend. She has had a hissyfit because she is under stress. It would be kind of you to give her another chance. I would probably not tbh.

[lilymolly]

ok thats what I want, put it down to experience.......

Do i turn up as normal on tuesday or do i call her tommorrow?

[Camillathechicken]

i agree with carmenere

if she had been paid with a cheque, funds would not have cleared until tuesday, so she has cash instead !

and her reaction far outweights a bit of thoughtlessness

[sunnydelight]

There is some degree of fault on both sides here (you should have dropped off the money when you said you would, she shouldn't have been so aggressive) so it's all about how to move on. Personally I would go round tomorrow and try and sort it out without your DD if at all possible. Taking the moral high ground really isn't going to get you anywhere - you need to decide whether or not you want this woman as a CM any more, if so try and build bridges, if not walk away with your head high knowing you did your best to sort it out.

[Camillathechicken]

i would not just turn up on tuesday, she has made her position clear

[minorityrules]

She was paid on time, even now, it is still the weekend

And as said before she wouldn't have access to the money before tomorrow (monday) at the earliest as she usually paid by cheque

[SantasLittleToiletFlusher]

But this was a once in a blue moon mistake, and you did pay her over the weekend as agreed......her reaction was out of proportion, unprofessional, and rude.

Lillymolly - only you know this lady, and only you can decide whether to try and salvage things or not.

[lilymolly]

well arent we all under terrible stress edam?...... I have a brother who is a cocaine addict, a stressful job, a dog who is poorly, and a family to look after, but hey thats my life and I choose to get on with it, and dont take it out on cm.
If she needs to look after her mil or anything, else then I would be the first one to offer support and give her a break

[Elizabetth]

The financial side isn't bollocks - Lily put her in the position of having to chase her. Also, some people take cheques to get cashed at certain places, it's not beyond the bounds of possibility that the CM does this. Anyway it's not up to anybody to speculate as to whether she needed the money or not, the point is she was expecting to be paid on Friday for her work and she wasn't.

"Bollocks to humiliating asking for money"

That's your problem right there Lily. Some people would feel very humiliated to be put in that position by you (or anybody) whether you think it's bollocks or not. That's why you're finding it so hard to realise that you could have done anything wrong.

[Camillathechicken]

there are ways of chasing people , elizabetth, and the CM did get paid, with cash, over hte weekend , as was agreed

would you be happy with your nursery / nanny/ au pair talking to you like that and terminating the contract for one incidence of forgetfulness?

[unknownrebelbang]

The CM was told she would be paid over the weekend, and she was, in cash.

[lilymolly]

Ok elizabeth, she takes her cheque to barclays bank on a friday morning......
she gets cash on a sunday over the weekend as agreed whats the difference?

Belive me, I will pay her whenever however she wants, that is no problem, the only thing i am guilty of is forgetfullness which was due to stress of my weekend when my dog was sick.

[MadamePlatypus]

Sorry to labour the point, but unless she usually goes to one of those places that will cash cheques immediately, she was able to spend the money more quickly than if she had received a cheque on Friday, and she was paid during the agreed time period i.e. over the weekend.

[MadamePlatypus]

x post...

[lilymolly]

when she was off with stress I took the day off , I offered to look after the other mindees child who has her own business and could not take the day off. CM did not ask for payment

[Carmenere]

Oh rubbish that it is humiliating to ask for your money, yes it would be if she had to beg for it, but she certainly did not. She has humiliated herself by behaving like an undignified shrew.