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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

320 replies

lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:38

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

OP posts:
LittleBella · 25/11/2007 21:49

On no account can you just turn up on Tuesday.

She's told you not to.

unknownrebelbang · 25/11/2007 21:49

I don't think you can just turn up on Tuesday morning. You need to speak to the childminder tomorrow IF you think you want to sort the issue out.

Sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning.

Carmenere · 25/11/2007 21:49

Absolutely NOT, find another CM.

MadamePlatypus · 25/11/2007 21:50

If I were you, I would phone her on Monday and politely confirm that you are going to make other arrangments as per her request. If she apologises and sounds like she has returned to being a balanced human being and wants to carry on looking after your child, and if you feel that her reaction was completely out of character you can reconsider.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 21:50

ok santa! good advice....... dp thinks I should talk to her tommorrow.

another question for you all before I retire to bed.

do you think it would piss her off if i sent dd to her care, paid her and then rode my horse or went shopping, which I sometimes do, as long as she is getting paid, would it matter to her what I was doing on my spare time?

OP posts:
SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 21:51

Lilymolly - sorry to be boring, but the decision about whether to continue using her is yours. Only you know the CM and how you feel now.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/11/2007 21:51

Listen to me! Listen to me

handlemecarefully · 25/11/2007 21:52

And perhaps I am really hard nosed, but I think I would also submit a formal complaint possibly copied to Ofsted

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 21:52

Do you think this is the root of the problem?

Carmenere · 25/11/2007 21:53

What?? Why on earth should she have an opinion on what you do with your time? No, I think you are over thinking this problem.

LittleBella · 25/11/2007 21:55

Do you suspect that she thinks your reasons for using her are invalid?

If so, even more reason to think very carefully about whether you want to continue using her.

handlemecarefully · 25/11/2007 21:55

Actually it could piss her off. Some people are extraordinarily petty and craven with jealousy about that sort of thing. However this is hypothetical - that may not be the issue with her at all..what does your gut tell you?

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 21:56

I agree - there's no point in speculating about that, you'll only get yourself more wound up!!. Stick to thinking about the facts.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 21:56

just wraking my brains as to why she would be so pissed off with me, perhaps she thinks I am lazy or not spending time with dd.

Can I just point out that every friday I pay cm to look after dd as I work from home, but 90% of the time, I have her in my care, so cm gets paid for doing nowt, which is not a problem at all but I must be a great client as she gets money for nothing really

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 25/11/2007 21:56

scrub that, I meant most people (ime)

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 25/11/2007 21:57

I couldn't give a flying f, what my parents are doing - as long as they've paid me!

Guitargirl · 25/11/2007 21:57

If I had behaved like this with someone (the cm's behaviour I mean) and then that person continued to want me to take care of their child, I would be surprised to say the least.

If I were in your shoes, I would take the unpaid leave and use that time to make alternative childcare arrangements. I would not make any attempt at contacting her. If she gets in touch to apologise then I would be calm and civil and explain that in the circumstances it would probably be better for both sides if your DD was cared for by someone else.

P.S. And always pay future CMs on time.

FWIW: We have been under an incredible amount of stress over the last few months (long story - not relevant here). But throughout it all I have bent over backwards to make sure that has not had any effect on DD's CM, in terms of payment, hours or anything else. You know the saying, 'happy mother - happy baby', well, I stand by 'happy CM - happy DD'.

Camillathechicken · 25/11/2007 21:58

lilly, you are getting in a tizz. i would go to bed, and prepare to find new childcare.

i put DD in with my CM on my birthay so i could go out for lunch , she does not give a hoot what i do in the time she has her.

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 25/11/2007 21:59

She is being paid for hold a place open for for you, not getting paid for doing nothing. If she is available to look after your dd, during your contracted hours and you chose not to use her, then so be it.

handlemecarefully · 25/11/2007 21:59

Guitargirl is right - irrespective of the outcome (even if CM rings to apologise) I doubt that there is any going back. A line has been crossed.

hatwoman · 25/11/2007 22:00

lillymolly didn;t pay her late - they agreed - becuase of her dd's absence on Friday - to pay over the weekend. now if cm had said "would you mind making it saturday morning" or "could you let me have it by 12 on sunday" that would have been different. but they mutually agreed it would be "over the weekend". in my book that means anytim up to sociable hours on Sunday - 6 or 7 pm perhaps. lillymolly has also been very understanding of the cm's position.

lillymolly - I would call her tomorrow - don;t text - texts are a crap way of getting anything sorted. just call. start the conversation by asking how she is. and see what happens - see how you feel. guage how you think she feels. but don;t go back out of guilt or obligation or anything like thta. if you're unsure - and most particularly unsure you can trust her - either with your dd, or not to do this again, then bin it.

hunkermunker · 25/11/2007 22:01

Thank you, VVV, for saying what I was going to Saved me the trouble!

santaoftheopera · 25/11/2007 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 22:01

oh god, I am getting soooooo upset about all of this. Good old mn for providing all this good advice.

You know gut instinct still says not to get new child care and try to work this out.
but will sleep on this x

OP posts:
santaoftheopera · 25/11/2007 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.