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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

320 replies

lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:38

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

OP posts:

tigermoth · 27/11/2007 08:34

One other thing, I think you are very right to keep a close watch on things. It's possible that your CM does not have a good bond with your dd. No matter that she is a very good childminder to other people's children.

I say this as this happened to me with my ds. I know his childminder was very good and my ds was not an outrageously awful or demanding toddler, but over the months, my CM had difficulties and worries about how she was caring for him. This caused her guilt and we had some tense conversations. In the end she terminated our contract simply because she said she could not bond with ds. She told me how bad she felt about this and how hard it had been to admit this to herself. Before these talks, I had no idea my CM was finding caring for my toddler so difficult. I thought all was well.

The outburst from your CM could be something deeper - perhaps she cannot bond well with your ds and cannot admit this.

Hope this is not the case.

love2sleep · 27/11/2007 11:03

Hi.
I haven't read the whole thread but your OP caught my eye as it reminded me so much of a situation I was in last year. CM made a huge issue over something really minor. I grovelled, apologised, complimented and generall bent over backwards to make her feel valued and thought it was all dealt with. A week later she gave us notice. Many many tears were spilled over this but to this day I do not understand what went wrong. I have a great relationship with the new CM and have had no problems.

I guess I'm just saying that sometimes people (including CMs) are irrational and we can get caught up in the middle of it through no fault of ours. This is one of the risks of using a CM instead of a nursery. I would start looking about for other options and don't beat yourself up over this - you have done nothing wrong!

xxx

anniemac · 27/11/2007 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

lilymolly · 27/11/2007 11:58

thanks for comments, dd has not gone to cm today as dd is ill, however, I dont think its anything to do with dd, she has an excellent relationship with her and told me yesterday she did not want to stop caring for dd as she loves having her!

Tigermoth, you are the voice of reason!
Thanks you have sussed the situation out exactly as I see and obv the cm sees it.
I think the realtionship needs to stay on a strictly prof basis, and I will not be going to any more meals with her.

I can not be everyones friend, much as I would like, i need to toughen up.

OP posts:

tigermoth · 27/11/2007 12:28

Hope it all works out, lilymolly. I sounds promising if your CM told you just yesterday that she loves caring for your dd.

Original poster

lilymolly · 28/05/2008 23:13

To anyone who is remotely interested in an update.......

things calmed down for a while, then raised their ugly head when she put the phone down on me again and then....well what can I say? she has completly flipped!

talked to me like shit at play group last week,and also said an extremely spiteful thing to dd in front of me, and then spoke to me like shit once again before leaving and then left a text message cancelling our contract
then because I decide to ignore text messages as I have going on holiday the next day, she wrote in a letter that she has not been able to communicate with me over the last few months

All I want is some advice to say that there are some good childminders out there and that dd 2.4months will settle somewhere else and not get too upset about not going back to the other silly cow.

OP posts:

sleepyeyes · 29/05/2008 11:10

Gosh she sounds awful!
There are plenty of fantastic childminders out there and I'm sure your DD will not miss this spiteful B* at all.

sleepyeyes · 29/05/2008 11:12

Forgot to ask: are you freindly with any of the other parents, if so will you warn them of her behaviour?
She doesnt sound even tempered enought to be looking after children.

AlexanderPandasmum · 29/05/2008 11:21

Oh no!

Have not got much experience with childminders as DS has been at nursery (he loves it). Does it have to be a childminder or are you set on a childminder?

Hope you find somewhere lovely anyway !

woodenchair · 29/05/2008 12:26

Sorry to hear the update, I hope you've terminated the contract with her. I would hate to think that someone caring for ds was being spiteful.

I have a fantastic childminder. ds has been going there 2 days a week for nearly 2 years. DS loves her to bits, he's more like one of the family than a mindee.

chipmonkey · 29/05/2008 12:31

Agree with sleepyeyes. I would tell the other parents.

mumdebump · 29/05/2008 12:31

Don't forget to write her another OFSTED ref saying what a cow she really is! Hope you find another nice CM.

MrsPuddleduck · 29/05/2008 12:41

Just picked up the back end of this thread and seem to have the basic jist.

If it makes you feel any better I changed my DS's childminder when he was 18months old after much agonizing as to whether or not it was the right thing to do.

He was absolutely fine. The new childminder handled the situation really well and he has never had any problems.

I know it is a really worrying time for you but your DD will be fine if you pick the right childminder.

lalalonglegs · 29/05/2008 13:42

I am sure that your dd will be picking up on the fact that this woman is unhinged stressed and will probably be relieved to move. We changed childminders three times due to house moves and not getting on with the original one - result? Dc were absolutely fine each time. Does she look after any other children? If so, I would be consulting their parents for any other, ahem, erratic behaviour and perhaps collectively approaching the local authority or whoever licenses her.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/05/2008 14:29

I hope you have given her notice too, so unprofessional bearing in mind her job.

What about trying a nursery so that various staff are included in looking after your daughter rather than trying another minder.

llareggub · 29/05/2008 14:37

My DS goes to a wonderful childminder. We think she is great. Don't worry, although I know you will! She sounds like a nightmare and very unprofessional.

girlywhirly · 29/05/2008 17:38

I think the cm should be reported to the registering body, for her own welfare as well as the children she minds. She is obviously not coping, even though she might appear to be to others, and she needs outside support. She wouldn't dare lose her temper with them for fear of losing her registration, and hopefully it will be a wake-up call for her. I would also retract the ofsted report on this basis, explaining my reasons. I feel sorry for the woman, but she needs help.

You're better off without her.

Original poster

lilymolly · 30/05/2008 08:56

told all the other mums- who are totally aware of the situation, but because they have never had her behave that bad with them, although they have had milder incidents, they are unwilling to change.
The cm has not even told them that dd will not be coming back! 2 weeks after the incident

Can I really report her to ofsted? I thought they where only interested in bad welfare of the children- as far as I can see (apart from one incident) she is ok with the kids, just not good with the parents.

OP posts:

nannynick · 30/05/2008 09:09

Until September 2008, a Childminder in England must comply with the National Standards. Standard 12 - Working in Partnership with Parents, may be worth looking at in particular.
If the childminder hasn't breached one of those standards, then Ofsted will not be very interested. Ofsted also will not deal with anything that is regarding a payment issue or contractual issue. If children are at risk of harm or abuse, then Ofsted would want to know.

I'm not clear as to exactly what the issue is. In your OP, you paid late, which probably meant you breached your contract. So I'm not surprised that childminder was a bit cross about that.

girlywhirly · 30/05/2008 09:36

Perhaps report was too strong a word. But I think some-one should know the strain she's under, in case it starts to impact on the care she gives the other children. What if she has a breakdown? You just say that your relationship with her has broken down irretrievably, your child is no longer minded by her, but you are very worried about her emotional state at present and you feel she needs some support. Surely there is some sort of support for childminders, and I would have thought asking the registration body for help, maybe an unofficial visit to her by them would remind her of this?

Whether the other parents agree with you doesn't matter, they know now what the situation is and I hope they have back-up care organised, because I feel that in the future she may be having lots of days off at very short notice, because of the family problems.

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