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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect child minder not to slam door in dp face? Please help

320 replies

lilymolly · 25/11/2007 19:38

ok here goes

Usually pay cm on friday morn, but dd was excluded cos of conjuncitivitis.
CM rang on friday to ask after dd and I told her I would drop cash off over the weekend, instead of cheque cos obv could not be checked into the bank.

CM under a lot of personal pressure due to family illness, sons car payments and start of menopause, she had 1 day off last week due to stress, and I was really supportive and me and another mindee bought her some flowers and offered to go for a meal and drink to cheer her up, (this was cancelled by the other mindee and was rearranged for a few weeks time)

Anyway, I totally forgot to send money to her this weeekend, and she sent this text message at 4.30pm

"where is dd childcare fees, i take this as at best as forgetfullness at worst disrespect and insentivitness and i trust that you will not need me to look after dd any more"

I sent dp down with cash for her, he tried to apologise for delay, and told her we had had manic weekend, as dog has just had puppies and was at the vets etc... she told him not to talk about his weekend and that her mil was terminally ill, she had a car to pay for and that she would look for someone elses children to look after as we have no rexpect for her!!!!

I swear down, I have the upmost respect for her and have treated her with so much sensativity, ahe is an excellent cm, and dd is due to go to her care on Tuesday and I dont know what to do.

I have sent a message apologising and asking her to contact me directly but she has ignored me.

I am devastated, I have been in tears all night, I am CONVINCED i have done nothing and this is totally out of the blue, and if she is stressed I am willing to let this go, but need some advice as I don not want to loose her and dont want her treating us like this.

Please Help

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 20:34

Again. totally agree, should of paid her on Friday or over the weekend, but no need for the attitude surely?

OP posts:
SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 20:36

But this is a professional business arrangement.....do you still want/trust her to look after your dc?

LittleBella · 25/11/2007 20:37

She's more than slightly pissed off though. She's horrible.

One thing struck me. She ranted about you not respecting her. Hvae you done this before? Have you messed her about about times etc? Is there anythign you've done which might have irritated her in the past?

If not, it could be that another client is messing her about and you happened to be the one on the receiving end of an explosion of the "bloody clients, they're all a PITA variety". Inexcusable, sorry. Unless she apologised, while not being as hardline as Hekate, I wouldn't be wasting any more grief on her.

lennygirl · 25/11/2007 20:38

Message withdrawn

LittleBella · 25/11/2007 20:42

I'm not sure you can help someone who refuses to have contact with you.

Perhaps she feels she's "shared" too much about personal stuff with you and eroded the professional relationship and is regretting that? An offer of help might be seen as overstepping already overstepped boundaries?

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 20:47

Little bella

I have never messed her around, I am always on time when paying and pick ups etc

Why cant i stop bloody crying.......

OP posts:
Santasmissyontheside · 25/11/2007 20:48

i can see why she is upset but i think she has over reacted. you paid cash so she got money in her pocket earlier than she would have.

like smee said would you be abe to continue to have a good relationship with her?

i don't think i would want someone under huge stress as she claims caring for my dd.

but then i've no experience in childcare

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 20:53

I really think I can rectify the relationship, but want to know how......

Perhaps I piss her off in other ways...... if I do can she still look after dd? or is that the end of the relationship?

OP posts:
wheresthehamster · 25/11/2007 20:53

Trying to think of other reasons here....

She's not upset that the meal had to be cancelled and she was looking forward to it?

She might think that's the second time in a week that she feels you've let her down?

Camillathechicken · 25/11/2007 20:54

why do you want to rectify it? in the face of this ?

you might be fighting a losing battle, and i think trying to force things when she is clearly on the edge would make things worse.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 20:57

no re the meal, other mindee cancelled and was going to rearrange another date, and we where going to pay for cm as a treat anyway, and no never let her down........

so is the consencus find alternative childcare or sort this out?

OP posts:
SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 20:57

Lillymolly - you sound like you feel like you are the one who needs to grovel..why!! It also sounds like you are going to wait for her to decide how she feels about looking after your dc?Again...why!!

smeeinachristmastreeinnit · 25/11/2007 20:58

lili,how long have you been with this cm?

Camillathechicken · 25/11/2007 20:58

i would find alternative care, if her MIL is terminally ill,this stress is not going to just go away... if a friend had done this , would you be in a hurry to rekindle the friendship.. and this lady is looking after your DC .. she has terminated your contract and told you she thinks you have no respect... i thikn a line has been crossed.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 21:00

I am the one to grovel as I feel she has the power, and I am always the one to fecking apologise in all my relationships!
I feel like sometimes, I am not a nice person, and perhaps deserve this treatment.

as I have said earlier gut instinct still wants her to look after my dd, and I have wracked my brains to think why I have pissed her off, but still can not get to a reason........

OP posts:
smeeinachristmastreeinnit · 25/11/2007 21:02

lily, you need to find another cm, particually if you are feeling "she has the power"........thats not a good relationship if you feel like that.

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 25/11/2007 21:04

Lillymolly - that is very sad. Please try to get an objective perspective on this. She is providing you with a service which, because of her behaviour, you are not happy about. Only you can decide if you still really want her services. If the answer is no, walk away and concentrate on finding another CM. IF the answer is yes, then go and see her to discuss things.

FrannyandZooey · 25/11/2007 21:05

Obviously she should not have behaved like this, but as an ex-nanny I can say that it can be extremely annoying / inconvenient / upsetting to not be paid on time. Many childcarers are on low wages and live virtually hand to mouth - if you don't get paid then something doesn't get bought / paid for. I've been left in difficult situations because of not being paid on time. It does feel direspectful and thoughtless when it happens tbh. She shouldn't have to be chasing you for the money after you have already failed to pay her on time.

I would forgive the out of character behaviour based on the above and the fact of how much stress she is under. If she calms down and you can sort this out then I see no reason why she shouldn't go on looking after your children - you trust her and feel this is a one off due to stress.

I feel very sorry for you as you obviously had no intention of upsetting her - but things like this can be upsetting as a self-employed person. I hope you can sort it out.

Camillathechicken · 25/11/2007 21:05

that is very true Smee

i think that you will always feel beholden to her, and a professional relationship cannot work like that, nor a friendship.

Carmenere · 25/11/2007 21:07

fgs the woman has been apallingly rude to you, I would be very careful about letting her get away with it. If she comes begging for forgiveness tommorow, fine, give her a second chance because she is under stress. If she doesn't don't you dare apologise to her. You have already apologised, you do not need to grovel. It was a simple mistake, unlike her reaction.

Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 21:09

franny

thanks for your post, and whilst I appreciate your thoughts, can I ask you?

If your payment was late from a mindee, what would you do..... whould you send a text which is clearly nasty then slam the door in face of dp when 10 mins after the text was sent he turns up with cash?

I dont think any reasonble person would

OP posts:
Original poster
lilymolly · 25/11/2007 21:10

sorry last post was a little confrontational, did not mean that, the more I think about this, the more I think I am so NOT in the wrong.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 25/11/2007 21:11

No, it isn't reasonable at all that she's behaved this way, and I don't think you deserve to have this happen

I am just saying there are reasons why she is feeling so hacked off, and they aren't all down to the stress of her problems. You did screw up here. She's gone berserk over it, but we can kind of see why it has happened. I'm sorry it has made you feel so rotten. Try not to take it to heart but chalk up to experience - childcarers really need to get paid on time.

Elizabetth · 25/11/2007 21:11

It would have been humiliating for her to be put in the position to have to ask for the money, lily. It would probably have felt even more insulting to have your husband go round and try and make excuses about the dog having had puppies. What that basically says is that your busy important lives are more important than her getting money that she probably needs and that you owe her.

If you do want to rebuild a relationship you'll need to accept that you were wrong for not paying her at the right time and promise not to do it again. Then see if her reaction was down to the pressure she's under (which it sounds like it is) rather than a deeper problem.

unknownrebelbang · 25/11/2007 21:12

Paying cash, even today, means she would have got the money sooner than if she had banked a cheque on Friday.

I can understand the CM being cross, but I do think she has over-reacted, and I wonder how she will cope with her mindees given the stress she must be under with an ill MIL.

As to how you sort it out, I really don't know.

Am curious to know though, if she's got another family who have asked her to mind her children, or if the comment about finding someone else's children to look after was an off the cuff remark.