Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

Just start saying no, that you’re busy at the minute and have a lot on yourselves.
Are there any local charities/care associations that offer help with shopping etc (even for a fee?)

You can’t go on like this, you both know that and shouldn’t feel you have to move house!

Do you have any holidays booked coming up? That would be a good opener that you’re getting ready to go away so won’t be around to help.

You both sound really lovely people, and if you’re happy to help do some things (eg shopping) maybe write a list of what you’re happy to do and what you’re not happy to do and have a sit down and a chat with your neighbour.
It doesn’t have to be rude/embarrassing but you can word it that you have your own stuff on, you’re neglecting your own house and garden and that you’ll need to step back a bit. Then tell her from your list what is manageable for you two and anything else she’ll have to start asking her family.

Your poor husband hasn’t retired to be someone’s P.A/handyman 😁

It sounds like you'd be happy to help her under a very limited set of circumstances, so I'd have a think about what those might be. You could also help her (and yourselves) by going through a list of things that need doing and working out together what you can outsource. I'd be honest with her that it's gotten too much for you but that you're happy to work together on a solution. Organising her diary and appointments/tradesmen can be done by her family, as they don't need to be nearby to make calls. House and garden can be done by a cleaner/gardener if she has the funds (and if not then the family need to discuss how to support her), prescriptions can be delivered, and there's things she can learn to do like change batteries. It might be that there's one or two things on the list that you might be happy to pick up, but you can then be clear that it isn't in addition to all the other stuff.

It’s hard isn’t it. Maybe she isn’t being manipulative and very grateful for your help. On the other hand it’s not fair on you is it.

It’s a hard one but you need to start moving responsibility onto her family

I think you have been very kind and patient so far! Maybe say you are very happy to do shopping ,and maybe mow the lawn or whatever. However decorating , and getting quotes from handymen take a lot of time .I would just say Hubby is doing some PT hours /has to visit elderly relative or whatever ,and wont be able to do as much . As she gets older she will probably rely on you more as well!

I don't think she's being manipulative, she's just getting older and frailer and her world has shrunk due to Covid... It is natural she has come to rely too much on the few people she can access help from. She is probably feeling increasingly vulnerable and worried about the future, which is what she means when she acknowledges your help and says she doesn't know what she would do without you.

Having said all that, obviously the burden has become too great. It would be completely appropriate for you to back off a bit and only step in for actual emergencies. If she is a reasonable person you might explain to her that you are worried your DH is taking on too much, and ask her to help by not putting pressure on him, but asking relatives or church friends instead.

Just be unavailable. How is she contacting you? Stop answering the phone.

My good god op. We live far from fil (he’s since died) but we felt guilty asking the neighbour to drag fil’s bin to the pavement with his own once a week! (We had paid carers doing everything else and we were doing internet food shopping and getting other items online).

Then the neighbour moaned about some weeds in fil’s garden lowering the tone and said he’d pull them for £50.

You are being taken for a ride!

Thanks to all those who have taken the time and trouble to reply so far, that’s really helpful! Yes, she could easily employ a cleaner and a gardener and use a perfectly good local taxi service as well, but why use any of these when we do it for nothing?! She has plenty of money as she often tells us about how generous her late husband’s pension is, as well as the increased state pension she has as well. To be fair she has said to my husband she will pay him for some of the work he does but he makes the point that his leisure time is more valuable than money at his age. And he wants to make the most of it whilst he is still fit and healthy, and able to do so ……

I think its hard to pull these things back. My parents were 'very good' to two sets of elderly neighbours at different points, but they both had their children and it never escalated to the level you're describing. So: they'd visit in hospital, they'd fix certain household goods my dad was handy at (that was maybe 3 or 4 times a year max) they'd have a cup of tea but never regular shopping.

returning things/getting involved in her shopping is also getting you a bit too close to her finances than I'd be comfortable with.

As someone else said, have you holidays coming up? Or any excuse? I'd be tempted to offer support linking in with local services, see what is available. My parents neighbour found a local centre that did drop-in lunches for OAPs and he went there once a week for years, it was a hot dinner and basically did him for the day. He had someone from meals on wheels call another few days, and eventually a carer. My parents are approaching 80, and starting to look into things like getting a cleaner. I think it sounds like she has unfortunately used you to plug a gap that had you not been there would have had to be outsourcesd, and you need to find a way to support her to find others to do that.

I think n terms of an excuse, you could say you're planning a long holiday and you're worried how she'll cope, or you could be honest and say you're finding it a bit much with work and are worried what she'd do if say you had to self-isolate. Its odd you've only been there 3 years: are there no other neighbours she has a relationship with?

Is there any family of hers involved? It sounds to me like loneliness and inventing things to keep you in her world, especially with it kicking off since covid started and losing her contact network due to isolation practices.

Maybe having a conversation about appropriate help, like age UK, or having a live in companion may be helpful?

@SilverOak

Just be unavailable. How is she contacting you? Stop answering the phone.

Unfortunately, that’s not an option as she lives right next door!

Stop answering the door?

My elderly father lives a long way from us, and has similarly 'wonderful neighbours'. You are doing way more than I would think reasonable for neighbours, and it clearly isn't sustainable.
I would suggest a frank chat over a cup of tea, to talk through your wanting to continue to be helpful, but realizing that she needs quite a lot of help now, and that that is likely to increase rather than decrease. You can say that you don't want to be the sole people she can turn to, and it looks like time to set up more of a network. I'd be asking her, or you, to contact her children (you suggest she has some, but they live a distance away), to outline the kind of help she needs (which sounds both practical and 'life admin') and consider them either doing more, or getting her assessed by Social Care (anyone can request an assessment on the main line in your area). She might have to pay for help from any source but can clearly afford it. I'd couch it in terms of wanting to future-proof, given she lives alone and you may not always be able to help. My Dad now has a cleaner, gardener, some helpful tech etc. Social Care will also have approved handymen; I would be finding someone like this who could do everything from changing a light bulb to household jobs. I wouldnt' shilly-shally about this; it is upsetting to think of her being derailed by this, but you need to politely and kindly intervene with a view to the future. Sounds like family think everything's fine because, of course, you're doing so much. Good luck; what lovely people you are as neighbours.

It seems like she has lost her confidence and is now relying on you. At 80 it will only get worse - if you are not happy to do this you must scale back now. You can do it but you need to be consistent.

Have you got the numbers for her family? You could ask her - saying 'just in case of an emergency'. Have a word with them. Tell them what you have told us - that it's getting too much. They can arrange quotes for local tradesmen. And they can organise DIY jobs, manage GP appointments. I know this as I managed my mother's from a foreign country before she went into a care home.

The list of things you have done is way beyond neighbourly help - decorating, DIY, garden and house clearance etc. That is madness, especially as you say there is no disability. You need to practice the 'NO' Sandwich. If she asks to be taken to the GP 'I understand, 'NO', we are busy/awaiting a call/delivery, here is the number of a mini cab, book it now for tomorrow'. Stop returning food/online items she has mis-ordered. Tell her you are not going that way/to call the supermarket etc.

If, as I suspect, it's loneliness and she calls you in for the company. An elderly formerly independent woman would easily be able to change the batteries in the remote, then perhaps contact the church she used to attend - local volunteer groups to call in on her.

YANBU and yes, it does sound like she is being manipulative. Just politely say no when she asks you to do something you don't have time to or just don't want to do. She will find someone else to help her.

If you feel saying no is too harsh, consider saying you don't have time to help as much as she would like, but you would be happy to spend an hour sitting with her to write a list of all the things she feels needs doing around her house, and helping her identify where to get appropriate help (e.g. family members, gardener, painter/decorator, council etc). She will then have a list of other people she can call!

Age uk are a good resource for contacts and help.
This is only going to get more difficult. Do you have details of the family? Could you speak to them and encourage them to ge5 her more help?

If you feel able to, I think honesty would work. It’s mounting up and it’s too much for you. You are happy to help in an emergency and would love the odd coffee and catch up but can’t keep doing anything that is not urgent. If she wants some initial help sorting out a contact list for handy person, plumber etc then you could offer to help her do that. It’s not a question of whether she’s being manipulative in the first instance, it’s a question of having suitable boundaries yourself. If she then reactions badly to you putting them in place then that is in her not you. I would anticipate and allow an initial reaction as that’s human nature but the things you list doing are things people will be paid to do because they are work. I’m sure charities like age concern could signpost her to people who could help her out. If you want an opening line, maybe say that you’ve been thinking about what she said about not knowing what she’d do without you and you think it’s a risk and need to find a way to keep her independent in case you move away or you develop your own health issues. Good luck getting it sorted. I know it feels insurmountable at the moment but have a firm idea of where you want to get to - her independence whilst also maintaining your friendship and you’ll get there. If she removes her friendship if you don’t offer the current level of support anymore then it is possibly not a genuine friendship on her side and another reason (although you already have plenty!) to stop.

My friend was in this position with an elderly neighbour (and the neighbour wasn't even particularly nice or grateful!). In the end she was just honest with the woman that it was too much and said she was happy to pop in twice a week for 10/ 15min to make her a cuppa, change a lightbulb or help her call the GP etc but any jobs that couldn't be done within those times the woman would need to contact her family or social services.

I thought that was more

We also have a neighbour who is increasingly dependent on us. She knows I finish work at 4.30 so will ring by 4.35 not understanding that I may still not be free. I am now being more direct, so I will say we are not free to help today but can pop in at the weekend. With regards to lifts I think you need to say that unfortunately you have quite a bit going on so cannot be relied on to always be able to help, then next time she asks say no. There is a difference between emergency support and becoming a cleaner etc. You need to step back and suggest if she needs that level of support to pay for it. The one thing we have always said no to is dealing with anything financial, if she needs a trades person then family should be ringing around, I say now ask your daughter to find someone as I do not feel comfortable recommending.

Oops.. I thought that was more than fair given my friend was recovering from serious illness herself at the time.

Write her a list with numbers in for cleaner, gardener, taxi firms etc etc

Age U.K. may do a befriending service

If all else fails change your number and don’t answer the door to her

Agree with what has been said so far. In relation to her online shopping issues and needing stuff returned, I think you need to write out a step by step guide on how to do a return. If there is a chat facility on the site point her in the direction of using that and saying that she is elderly and needs help (she's just needs a bit of help with returning these items).
I also think that you should have the contact numbers of her family that are not in the locality and perhaps text them to say that you are no longer able to do so many jobs for their mother/grandmother/aunt and that you will be stepping back from being able to be so available.

I'd imagine her relatives that she is singing your praises to are delighted that you're filling this gap as they aren't. If you step back, they may step up and be more available for visits to sort out the issues that she has.

This is exactly why I tell my husband not to overly help the woman next door- i see the way she orders and demands off the other neighbours. Not my family not my problem sorry! Start saying no and being unavailable it’s the only way.

I'm in a similar situation. I (36F) moved into my house with my OH (39M) about 3 years ago, next to an elderly lady (85) who is still fairly active (she drives and goes for a walk every day). When lockdown hit and her family weren't able to help as much I suppose I stepped up the the mark. I do everything from getting her pension to putting in her earings! And I help with lots of odd jobs around the house. I really don't mind though, she's become a really good friend and she buys me the odd box of chocolates/bottle of wine to say thanks.

I don't really have any advice other than I doubt your neighbour is being manipulative. She probably doesn't see many other people and she might be lonely. But setting some boundaries will help keep your relationship healthy.

It's not nice to think of a little old lady being manipulative and taking you for a ride....but that's what she's doing. Now I think it's probably born out of being lonely, or wanting to feel cared for but that's not your role.
How can one person have so many things that need doing every day, she's looking for excuses and jobs and anything to get contact and have her needs met. You are not there to do that.

How did she get to her 80s and not do all this stuff. How did she get a computer and WIFI and who mowed her lawn before you got there?
I understand as people get older they lose skills or become physically less able to do things but it seems like this woman is thinking "They will help me" over every little thing and that is out of order. She doesn't care about you or your life and old or not she's being selfish. I should imagine she's always been selfish and her family may have good reason to keep her at a distance.

This is a very difficult situation because you don't want to upset her, and I bet she will be very nasty if you do, but you also don't want somebody sapping off your life like a vampire.

If it were me I'd move, straight up because however it's dealt with isn't going to make it nice to stay there. You'll either have to 1) avoid her, keep the curtains closed not go in your garden etc. 2)Be honest with her, thus causing awkwardness or 3) reach the end of your teather and there will be an argument. Either way it would effect your enjoyment in your current home.

This lady is not your responsibility but she has no problems in making herself your responsibility.

I think moving, finding a nice house and enjoying it leaving on good terms and not taking or giving any contact details is the best way to deal with her.