Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

@Rubyupbeat

It's called being a good neighbour. Most communities were like this, but now people don't want to get involve, it's really sad. You have both been very kind, please carry on. This lady is probably anxious on becoming so vulnerable , even if she doesn't show it. We all need each other at some point.

Read the list of what the OP and her DH have been doing. That is way more than what a "good neighbour" would do or should be expected to do.

Unfortunately my husband and I found ourselves in this situation when we moved house 2 months ago.My husband retired and we decided to move to a small hamlet,we have an elderly lady living opposite who from the day we moved in started hinting about various jobs she needed help with,I felt sorry for her and my husband mowed her lawn,cut her hedges back and did some general work.Having spoken to the neighbours it transpires she ha a daughter and son in law 6 miles away.All the neighbours living here have at some point helped her with,shopping ,doctors appointments and gardening.She isn’t by any means frail and is very manipulative.We moved here to retire and relax and not take on the care of someone whose family are quite happy to let others do all the work.I have now made it quite clear thatI am happy to help in an emergency but not for day to day jobs.

Give her the number for age uk,they have staff and carers that will help out.

Years ago my parents went to view a house for sale. In the garden a lady popped up over the hedge and said how helpful the current owners had been and she hoped df would do her garden and run her to appointments too. My parents ran for the hills!!

I agree that elderly people can become very self-centred… and very mean. Often they are very well off but are under the impression that they shouldn’t have to pay for anything. There is also the “I don’t want strangers coming in” thing. I think there have been some great suggestions on this thread. I would pull the health card “Bob’s needing to slow down a bit” and say you’ve heard of a really good local taxi service/handyman.

Age concern etc is all very well but this neighbour will need to pay for services, just like anyone else.

@Chickychickydodah

Give her the number for age uk,they have staff and carers that will help out.

Pointless. She won’t use it.

You’ve had some great advice about supplying numbers for tradespeople, taxi firms, etc OP. The really essential thing is getting her family involved, I’d have been beside myself if my parents had been over relying on a neighbour for help and I didn’t know.

Lots of surgeries have lists of volunteer drivers that will help with GP and hospital visits. That might be an option for her.

I agree that elderly people can become very self-centred… and very mean

I know you don't mean 'all' do you... I just say this because I'm older than some on here, my DH has had a couple of health problems and I tell you... if I have to spend my last penny employing people to do stuff... I will.

My DH has just been mowing the lawn funnily enough (too big a garden really...) and I actually found myself thinking, if we're still in this house in time to come and the lawn gets too much, we will find someone and pay them to do it. I would never ever expect or want NDNs to do anything, except if there was a serious emergency.

I am just trying to say, not all elderly people are self centred or mean.

I actually think she is being very manipulative. I work in the NHS and I have a lot of elderly patients who do this and others who would never ask anybody anything ever.
I have one lady who is run ragged by her neighbour who treats her like a complete slave but she cannot say no. She looks completely downcast every time she comes here.
I don't think your neighbour has any boundaries and its time to start saying no and being firm.

As many have helpful members have suggested, getting family involved seems to be the key. However, the lady in question has no children, just elderly brothers and sisters who live 4 hours away so they may be unwilling (or unable) to help much. She has a niece visiting at the moment so I might be able to slip her my mobile number and we can have a chat after they have returned home 😀 Time for the family to step up I think ….

Of course not all old people, @roussette , but I suppose as personality traits seem to magnify as we age, a mean young person becomes a meaner old person!

I too would never bother anybody, but some seem to have no compunction about it whatsoever. I do think some women who have been rather spoilt by their husbands blithely assume that bin duty/chauffeuring/diy will be willingly taken up by the nearest convenient person.

I really would, as others have suggested, speak to the family, in this case the niece.
I lived close to my nan, as my mum did and we offered a certain amount of practical support to her, other things she insisted she could manage herself, when actually, the neighbours were doing it for her and we didn't know until they rang mum and said.
It was business as usual as far as we were concerned, and we offered to do the things she might find challenging to be sent away with a flea in our ear and then she'd ask the neighbours!
They got uncomfortable with helping her on the financial side of things and her wanting them to take cash out of her account or pay bills for her - all stuff we offered to do but had been turned down.
Do speak to them, and maybe to her too, saying that ATM you've got a lot on and would her niece be able to help with that instead?

Totally agree Dotty !

I tell my DDs.... whoever you marry/end up with... just remember those annoying little traits they may have - they don't go away, they just get worse and more frequent!

(DH ... I'm looking at you with your tuneless fake opera singing that I used to think was so endearing and I now hate!)

The person at fault here is not the person doing the asking (or expecting) but the person who is unable to say no and set proper boundaries. You have built up her expectations by always being available. Sit down with her and have a chat about how to help her find the support she needs as it's getting too much for you and dh.

It doesn't matter what she expects, just that you are clear about what you can and can't do. Lack of confidence is a big thing for the elderly and when everything is done for them they start believing that they are unable to do things for themselves.

You sound like a lovely neighbour.

@starfishmummy
I have read her list, and I agree it's a lot, but no more than I would do, where would you draw the line then?
They are good neighbours, should be more like them.

Put her in touch with a company called Home Instead

@Rubyupbeat why should they though? They have gone above and beyond just being good neighbours? They’re basically doing jobs that family should be doing or paid work people.

I’m the next town from me they are proposing building something like a commune with a mix of elderly people and young families who can care for them, this is all because of the lack of care. No way would I want to live there, I have young children we both work all day, I’m a student nurse which sounds terrible but I give myself fully to my patients all day that when I get home I just want to be with my family and relax I have nothing left and I just think it’s a crazy idea. Years ago people did do all sorts for neighbours but we live in a more fast paced society where most parents both have to work now

@igelkott2021 - could your Mum take a photo with her phone and a selfie stick?

I take a photo of my gas meter as it's on the floor and I don't want to kneel down.

@JurassicSal

As many have helpful members have suggested, getting family involved seems to be the key. However, the lady in question has no children, just elderly brothers and sisters who live 4 hours away so they may be unwilling (or unable) to help much. She has a niece visiting at the moment so I might be able to slip her my mobile number and we can have a chat after they have returned home 😀 Time for the family to step up I think ….

I wouldn't be inclined to give her your number or she could well start calling you to arrange things instead of your neighbour calling you directly. Nab her while she's here and have a word.

God, I've so been where you are OP.
We had 15 years of it.
I did shopping, cooked meals, responded to her frequent physical and mental health crises.
She was so clingy that she once called the police out at 11am on a Sunday morning as our curtains were still drawn and we weren't opening the door to her.
Our DC had stayed over at my sisters and we were ignoring her because we were making the most of our child free morning and were having sex.
Instead we had to open the door to the Police.
She had a DS, an important lawyer (as she told everyone!) but he lived miles away and visited once a year. When she fell and was taken to hospital I rang him and he said "No can come darling, I've been having a drink poo, you are an angel but you're going to have to sort this yourself".
When she died he didn't even arrange a funeral or a wake, but he was very quick to sell her house for £600k.
There's another elderly lady up the street who accussed a (lovely) neighbour of robbing her when the neighbour was taking her home cooked dinners. She was actually investigated by the police and found innocent.
I'd be very wary of getting involved again.

[quote AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii]@Rubyupbeat why should they though? They have gone above and beyond just being good neighbours? They’re basically doing jobs that family should be doing or paid work people.

I’m the next town from me they are proposing building something like a commune with a mix of elderly people and young families who can care for them, this is all because of the lack of care. No way would I want to live there, I have young children we both work all day, I’m a student nurse which sounds terrible but I give myself fully to my patients all day that when I get home I just want to be with my family and relax I have nothing left and I just think it’s a crazy idea. Years ago people did do all sorts for neighbours but we live in a more fast paced society where most parents both have to work now[/quote]
It’s a brilliant idea. I hope lots of people take it up. It’s modelling really good behaviour to kids who will benefit from their relationships with older people.

Take the good advice here op. My mother is like that now doesnt want pay anything. Strop if not her way. My husb works has his own mother. I found one errand led to 50. I got sick it. Agree rousette not all like this but some are!!

@Blossomtoes fair enough, it may suit some people but a lot of people don’t have enough time for themselves or their children never mind caring for people who aren’t relatives

[quote AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii]@Blossomtoes fair enough, it may suit some people but a lot of people don’t have enough time for themselves or their children never mind caring for people who aren’t relatives[/quote]
Then those people won’t choose to live there. I hope it’s successful.

[quote Rubyupbeat]@starfishmummy
I have read her list, and I agree it's a lot, but no more than I would do, where would you draw the line then?
They are good neighbours, should be more like them.[/quote]
It doesn't matter how much you would do though. Whether you're storing that stuff for your future or not. It's too much to expect of you neighbours.

My mother is exactly like this. She is very happy to ask anyone who is willing to do things for her. She is perfectly capable of doing the things herself but feels that now she is older that society owes it to her.

I've tried to tell her it embarrassing, that she should do it herself, but she seems to think everyone enjoys helping her out and being useful.

Today she called me asking me to come immediately after work to take her shopping to buy a gift for her friend's birthday in three weeks time. I couldn't do that as I have my son to look after and other arrangements so told her I'd take her shopping at the weekend. Later she called me back to proudly tell me she'd gone to a neighbour and asked them to take her to do the important shopping as her daughter had refused! The poor neighbour must have spent 3 hours taking her on this shopping trip that could easily have waited until the weekend. My mum thinks the neighbour was overjoyed to be helpful!