Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

Op you said in your posting that she has "friends" and links with a local church. I would suggest contacting the vicar/priest (with her consent) and asking if they have any links to local charities or people who could help out.

I know what its like when an older and needy person "gets their claws" into you and begins to ask you to provide all kinds of peripheral services such as shopping, making phone calls, filling out benefit forms etc. In my case it was a neighbour who had a son living with her who was just too lazy to do some of those things. At the time I was working full time in a demanding job, did not drive and was experiencing medical issues myself.

The only option was to gradually withdraw my services and to be unavailable when she called. Fortunately my neighbour lived in the next street and was not in a position to see my comings and goings or judge whether I was at home or not. Eventually, and to my considerable relief, she downsized to a smaller property on the other side of the city. She did try asking me to go over and fill out benefit forms for her. However being a non driver does have its advantages as there was no direct bus route!

I'd present it as a courtesy to her.

'We just wanted to let you know we're not going to have as much free time for the next few months. I'll be at work x hours, and what with Bob being so tired lately. Anyway, we wondered if you'd like us to help you arrange a weekly cleaner/gardener/all round general slave, so that you don't end up getting overwhelmed with jobs that need doing?'

Then you can have one final push that'll get lots of jobs covered, ongoing.

you should ask around for a local tradesperson to help with odd jobs. My mother lived a distance away and she had a plumber, a painter, a cleaner, an odd job man I think this is a good idea @Mischance - it's what my mum does too. She has the most wonderful neighbour who sometimes takes her shopping (to do a big shop - the neighbour gives her a lift, they go their own way in the shop, might have a coffee which my mum pays for before heading home) or who will take her bins out and bring them in if her knees are playing up, but it's a reciprocal arrangement. My mum lets them park on her drive, brings their bins in when they're on holiday, takes in parcels for them and she waits for the neighbour to offer with the shopping trips. Apart from anything they've become really quite good friends despite the age difference, but my mum is always conscious not to take advantage - she certainly wouldn't feel comfortable pestering them for every little thing like @JurassicSal's neighbour.

Our next door neighbour is also elderly. Never married and no children. Pre covid she would visit her sister everyday for her lunch and her brother would call down and cut her grass. She has always been independent and keeps a lovely immaculate home. Unfortunately over the last couple of years (cancer) she's just not able to do some of the tasks she used to do so myself and DH have stepped in to help. DH cuts her grass every week (big front and back garden), has fixed her TV numerous times, helped her organise a plumber to repair a leak, I bring her some lunch or dinner most days and if we have a bbq she especially lives some sausages with bread for her tea, my DH puts her bins out and I bring them in. What we get in return is a lovely next door neighbour who treats us and our dc like family, she drops in ice cream and treats for our children every Friday as way of a thank you, although we don't expect anything. When a pipe burst in our home last November she was the first to offer us use of her bathroom and shower and when the work was being carried out and we had to move into my Grandmothers she would bring my two girls into her house every evening for their tea whilst myself and DH worked in the house. It goes both ways and I'm very grateful to have her. I just can't imagine not answering the door to her if she needed help. I would put myself in her situation and hope that when I get elderly and I'm maybe not able to do everything I once was that somebody would help me.

just can't imagine not answering the door to her if she needed help. I would put myself in her situation and hope that when I get elderly and I'm maybe not able to do everything I once was that somebody would help me

When I get to the point where I can't run my own home, I'd go live somewhere that would cater for my needs.

You don't constantly put on your neighbours, whether they mind or not.

My next door lady is getting to the point where she can't manage. She got quite narky with me because she can't manage the gardens. Her kids are 'busy' yanno she knocks wanting little things done and every now and then is fine but I know once she got comfortable she would rip the piss

I don't think she's being manipulative; she is probably genuinely in need and is clearly very appreciative; but if she and her family think you are able and willing to help, then they may see it as a great relief, and a solution to finding other alternatives.She may have found lockdown very difficult; and may have a strong tendency, kept from early life, to save money when she can - this at her age may not be stinginess, but a learned survival mechanism. So I would not be harsh with her; but at the same time it is not reasonable to expect you and your dh to do all that you are doing. I think the best thing might be to tell her that you like to help her where possible, but that especially as your dh himself is getting older, it's becoming difficult to do everything that you have done so far. Also, with the relaxations of restrictions, there are more alternatives available - not meaning that she needs to take crowded public transport, but there are more organizations and people around to help, especially if paid. Suggest contacting Age UK, and also finding a good taxi service and paying for it.

Perhaps a frank conversation about what you can do is in order. If nothing, then that and suggest it may be time for her to talk to her family about her increasing needs. If you can give some time, I would suggest you tell her you can give her x amount of time on x day or days for any little jobs she has to do, but are finding it too hard to fit in any other way.

It is really scary being on your own when you are old. I dont think she is manipulative, although you clearly do by your comment about her ability to take taxis. If she calls and you don't want to do it, just say she will have to take a taxi that and leave it at that. But dont blame her for your resentment if you have said yes to things you dont want to say yes to.

Sympathies, OP. Until very recently we were in the same position with frail, elderly neighbours, but at least their daughter who lives over 100 miles away was organising internet shopping for them.

We didn’t mind helping, since we’ve known them for ever and are fond of them, but TBH it was getting a bit much. It only changed quite recently when the husband ended up in hospital for a month, after which it was decided that they needed 4 care visits a day - frankly well overdue, she was finding it very hard to cope with a dh with limited mobility and incontinence on top.

If you’re in contact with their children I’d suggest saying that while you’ve been happy to help, it’s now getting to be too much - they need to do more - esp. things like organising tradesmen, maybe sorting out her food shopping, taxis when necessary. Or else organise paid help.

Difficult I know, but I’d say much the same to the neighbour - sorry, but it’s too much now - time is increasingly limited and you’re both tired.

I’m not saying it invariably applies, but old people can become extremely selfish and self centred, and fail to see (or just not want to see) that their demands are increasingly unreasonable and burdensome.
Dh had an old aunt like this - what she expected friends and neighbours to do for her - for free, when she could well afford help, was unbelievable.

E.g. she honestly expected a rather younger friend and bridge partner, to drive 20 minutes each way every night, to fill her hot water bottles! And was most put out when the woman (after doing it once or twice) said sorry, it was too much.

I meant that a taxi service obviously needs payment - not that you need to inform her of the fact!

OP, you've been wonderful.

Many posters are assuming the neighbour is being manipulative or taking advantage. Based on my experience of older people, and being moderately old myself, I don't think so. She's just relying on people she knows can help her. What else can she do? Please don't be encouraged to be mean to her, after you've been so good. She might look like an adult who has been competent for decades, but inside she'll be a lot like a toddler alone in the world. Even so, you need to find a way to disentangle your lives from hers.

It's remarkable how quickly older people can deteriorate. My father is 89. He's independent in spirit and lives alone but needs someone to keep an eye on him, encourage him, do even simple things for him. Fortunately for him, he has two children who can be in touch daily. He has an SOS alarm to contact us in emergencies, after falling earlier this year. Maybe if she has family they could organise something like that.

Because it's all falling on you, @JurassicSal, could you be the one to organise support for her? On the understanding you're doing the set-up and after that, it's down to them. Yes to Age Concern. Yes to getting a cleaner and gardener. Also tell Adult Social Services about her and list the sort of things you've been doing for her, and for how long. Copy that letter or email to her GP. If she has children, copy the letter to them. On every occasion make it clear to service providers that you are a neighbour, not family, and that you will not take responsibility for her.

Good luck, I hope you can find a way through this that gives you your lives back and doesn't hurt her.

If she were 20 years younger she'd be a CF.

I think she's taking advantage and you are letting her.

Many posters are assuming the neighbour is being manipulative or taking advantage. Based on my experience of older people, and being moderately old myself, I don't think so.

Some definitely do though. My Family's neighbour is an example of this. He'd talk behind people's back then use them. He'd also laugh about not having to pay for things though he has plenty of money in the bank account. He's extremely manipulative.

Regardless of whether that's the case or not, the OP needs to draw some boundaries.

Red Cross are another great resource for elderly people btw. They are very helpful.

I'd be honest with her and say your husband is getting older and finding it a bit much.
That. If you need to invent a minor health problem (or exaggerate one) then I would.

Then I'd source a handyman who she can call for minor jobs (maybe get recommendations on FB or NextDoor) and who can point her to other tradespeople for things he can't do. She needs a one-stop contact, really. And someone will be glad of the work. Make a large laminated card to pin up so the number is accessible whenever she needs it.

She probably doesn't realise how much work it is for you. Start saying no, we don't have time.

Oh, and check to see if your area has a Good Neighbours scheme (without you being that neighbour!). And if so, sign her up with it and give her the contact number.

I volunteer with our local one, and we basically give lifts to older or vulnerable people for medical appointments/hairdressers etc, and do shopping for the housebound or pick up prescriptions etc. Occasionally we also get requests for befriending or very small practical tasks. But the important bit is that there's no pressure. We all get a daily email listing the things that people need, and we respond if we are available and want to help with a specific lift/shop/task. So she wouldn't be overloading any individual person, even if she calls the scheme every day!

Getting the lawn cut and decorating isn't what I'd class as 'a neighbour in need'.

I shopped twice a week during lock downs for a few elderly neighbours and although they are all back out and go shopping themselves I still take a monthly list for the heavy items. I set aside 1 day to call them for a list and a chat and 1 day to shop and deliver. I started getting phone calls about broken TVs, help lifting heavy furniture etc. At that point I asked for their childrens’ phone numbers and every time the neighbours called me I called their children.

After a few weeks the neighbours got into the habit of calling their children first. The adult children now have a much better idea of how their elderly parent is coping and have arranged paid services.

I still take time to chat as loneliness is awful.

Tell her that you're thinking of retiring to travel more or that you're thinking of moving away, and suggest that she start to get people in now to do the stuff you have been doing so it's not too difficult for her to suddenly not have you to rely on.

We've had similar to this. Turned out other neighbours were also providing meals and cleaning so each didn't realise the extent of the other's involvement. Only when they went away did it become clear the elderly person was incapable of living independently. Someone anonymously called Age Concern who were discreet and able to offer advice and assistance without patronising the neighbour. Family were not local and in the dark about it all. They were under the illusion all was well. Could that be the case here OP?

I had reason to call Age Concern's helpline the other day, for something quite different. But they were incredibly helpful and knowledgeable.

I would definitely call them. They will absolutely understand the situation you're in, will listen, empathise and advise, and might even be able to link you to one of their approved tradespeople who could be her first 'handyman' call instead of you.

Not sure if you have anything similar but our health centre has a voluntary car service to take people for a small donation- to their appointments at hospitals and hospitals and lots of places do a ring and ride service to take elderly people shopping etc which they can book over the phone themselves.good luck

Also agree the lady may not realise how little time you have to devote to her as opposed to her knowingly taking advantage. Don't end up in the position my friend did when their lovely little old neighbour had a small fall and the local busybody told all and sundry it was outrageous said friend had been at work at the time and not available to take responsibility for picking them up and calling the ambulance...

Mischance: As a family member or neighbour I'd say that if you cannot deal with your garden yourself and your capability isn't going to improve, you need to either employ a gardener on a ongoing basis, or pay for/ask family to help you turn it largely into zero-maintenance hardstanding/Astroturf with a few pots which are within your capability to look after. I know that this is not pleasant to hear, however.

OP,
You sound like very kind people but the truth is this woman is spoiling your husband's retirement.

I wouldn't tolerate that.

There is a big difference between being a good neighbour and being someone's unpaid full-time carer.

The more you do, the more that is expected.

This woman has plenty of money yet your husband is run ragged.

The thing is other people pay for the services you are providing for free.

What you are doing is thankless and ridiculous.

As suggested above, YOU need to have a firm frank conversation with her.

Your husband is exhausted and it cannot continue.

She gets taxis/cleaners,gardeners from now on.

No discussion.

She contacts her family to help her remotely.

You need to contact Age action to put her on their radar.

Personally I would be prepared to fall out rather than have my husbands retirement spoiled.

This woman is not more important than your husband.

Be very careful he doesn't get a bit depressed because of being imposed upon.
It really isn't fair.

I simply wouldn't allow it.

@Starbar66

My elderly father lives a long way from us, and has similarly 'wonderful neighbours'. You are doing way more than I would think reasonable for neighbours, and it clearly isn't sustainable. I would suggest a frank chat over a cup of tea, to talk through your wanting to continue to be helpful, but realizing that she needs quite a lot of help now, and that that is likely to increase rather than decrease. You can say that you don't want to be the sole people she can turn to, and it looks like time to set up more of a network. I'd be asking her, or you, to contact her children (you suggest she has some, but they live a distance away), to outline the kind of help she needs (which sounds both practical and 'life admin') and consider them either doing more, or getting her assessed by Social Care (anyone can request an assessment on the main line in your area). She might have to pay for help from any source but can clearly afford it. I'd couch it in terms of wanting to future-proof, given she lives alone and you may not always be able to help. My Dad now has a cleaner, gardener, some helpful tech etc. Social Care will also have approved handymen; I would be finding someone like this who could do everything from changing a light bulb to household jobs. I wouldnt' shilly-shally about this; it is upsetting to think of her being derailed by this, but you need to politely and kindly intervene with a view to the future. Sounds like family think everything's fine because, of course, you're doing so much. Good luck; what lovely people you are as neighbours.

This is good advice