Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

You have been so kind to this lady and it sounds like she is lonely. However, this is not sustainable for you. Whilst it's not your job, perhaps you could help her put in place some private carers to come round regularly. It sounds like she can afford that, but really values your input.

We had the same experience with MIL and it was so hard and she was family! But retrospectively, I wish that instead of stepping in to help ourselves, that we had instead persuaded0 helped her to get some professional care/ help in place.

@bewilderedhedgehog

Can I just add that these issues can be quite complex to sort - and I totally agree with others that you need to step back!

I think when people are elderly (80+) for many people their world becomes smaller, and confidence drops. They then behave in ways that are quite self-centred, but don't always see it.

I have changed a few details here but my situation is that my elderly parent has one conversation with me (I live some way away) and another with her friends. e.g. a few weekends ago they thought they needed to see the out of hours GP. I offered to drive them if necessary, however they phoned a friend anyway. I have both offered and found them a taxi service to use, but they don't want to be driven by someone they don't know. Not about money at all in this case.

Our issues at the moment are all about lifts and driving (garden, shopping and house etc we have sorted), but it is getting more and more difficult by the week. And yes we have talked to them about not relying on friends and neighbours, but it is as if it goes in one ear and out the other.....When I talk about it (which I do) they say that the friend is happy to help....

It is a very difficult situation all round. I certainly don't expect neighbours to step in, but I suspect my elderly parent doesn't see it as a problem no matter how many times we discuss it.

This could be my parents.

My parents will not consider moving nearer to me as they “have such good neighbours” . The neighbour’s kindness gives them the illusion that they are still living independently and they are asking them to do more and more. It would be better for everyone if the neighbour set clear limits on what they are prepared to do.

Has she got family?
If not then contact social service or get a home care company in to help her with things.
Be honest with her and tell her the truth . While ever you do things for her she will expect it .

@Blossomtoes

Invitations driven by guilt rarely end well.

Invitations driven by kindness go very well. My generation has really fucked up parenting when someone would rather leave an old lady alone on Christmas Day than invite them for dinner. And make callous comments about little match girls. I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were.

What about the niece? Does your rather judgey, and unkind, oh the irony, remark factor her in at all?

I would speak to her family and tell them the situation. They may be unaware . You can't be responsible for her and need to tell them if you can't tell her .

I don’t understand the way some British people treat their elders. Just awful.

My generation has really fucked up parenting when someone would rather leave an old lady alone on Christmas Day than invite them for dinner. And make callous comments about little match girls. I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were.

This (from one elderly person who fortunately isn't infirm yet) but lonely nevertheless.

Blossomtoes
Invitations driven by guilt rarely end well.

Invitations driven by kindness go very well. My generation has really fucked up parenting when someone would rather leave an old lady alone on Christmas Day than invite them for dinner. And make callous comments about little match girls. I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were.’

This, 10 fold

Are you able to help her at all? If so, one option might be to set aside a specific time to see her and help her with what needs doing. Say, Wednesday mornings for an hour or two, or every other Wednesday etc. That way you get some control over the jobs and time so if she asks for something during the week you can say that's something we can do on Wednesday. And she has something to look forward to and also gets to think about prioritising tasks you don't get lumbered with everything. In the meantime there's some good advice about enabling a wider support group (like her church or Age UK) and her family.

@logsonlogsoff

I don’t understand the way some British people treat their elders. Just awful.

Completely agree. Yet when you point it out, it’s apparently you who’s unkind. 🤷‍♀️ And, hell yes, I’m judging callous people @SpongeBobJudgeyPants.

In an ideal world you would just say ‘sorry no’ but the reality is, it’s hard being that blunt. Though hats off to those that can be.

I would block her number and stop answering the door. If you have relatives or friends that turn up unannounced then ask them to text first or use a certain type of knock on the door so you can distinguish them.

If she manages to corner you then just say ‘I’m really sorry but we’ve got visitors tonight, we’re working from home, we’re going out, or simply we’ve git a lot on at the minute’

You’ve gone above and beyond what would be expected of a neighbour. Yes it’s not ideal she’s not git anyone but equally the burden of responsibility isn’t yours to be had.

If you never dove another thing for her ever again, you’ve still done more than the average person.

On the plus side OP, she is quite elderly and lonely it sounds, so probably won’t be a burden to you or anyone else much longer.

Also please update us if this actually ends up happening and if it's still happening after a few months.

@Blossomtoes

Invitations driven by guilt rarely end well.

Invitations driven by kindness go very well. My generation has really fucked up parenting when someone would rather leave an old lady alone on Christmas Day than invite them for dinner. And make callous comments about little match girls. I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were.

What a hideously unkind thing to say.

You don’t practice what you preach do you? As is so often the way…….

@Blossomtoes

The lady has family not too far away who can take her in for Xmas day if they so wish, she’s hardly someone with no one is she

Not according to OP She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away).

She has a niece who visits

@logsonlogsoff

I don’t understand the way some British people treat their elders. Just awful.

You don’t know what nationality either the Op or the neighbouring old lady is - but if the old lady chose to live far away from her own family, that’s also her choice - no?

@EarthSight

Sadly BlossomToes has demonstrated that she is a judgemental, aggressive person who swears - not really a suitable personality to expose the frail elderly to, sadly!

@Abigail12345654321

You mean the #BEKIND brigade?

[quote Abigail12345654321]@EarthSight

Sadly BlossomToes has demonstrated that she is a judgemental, aggressive person who swears - not really a suitable personality to expose the frail elderly to, sadly![/quote]
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Blossomtoes If you do caring things like this in your community, then bloody hats off to you. It's admirable although not right for everyone.

My 'problem' is that many people tell women in particular that unless they make themselves available as a source of free care in the community, that must mean they're uncaring, and usually go on to insinuate that those women are basically cold, unkind bitches.

Men do not get this. Nor they subject each other to this kind of behaviour.

Yet, strangely enough, there seems to be no shortage of self-righteous women telling other women how to be outstanding citizens and neighbours. Those exact same women (we seem to think of themselves as ethically superior), then quickly reveal who they really are inside which you have done beautifully by saying the following -

I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were

Not only have you adopted the self-righteous stance, but you've gone one step further and actually wished ill on the women you don't agree with.

This is why I rarely EVER listen to people like you when it comes to moral or ethical instruction. It is you who lack empathy and kindness. You are cut from the same cloth as the brigade on Twitter who tweet #BEKIND at people whilst managing to be more unpleasant than the people they're tweeting to.

@logsonlogsoff

The way we treat our elderly people in this country is disgraceful sometimes.

Don't be so willfully stupid. The OP has bent over backwards to be unbelievably helpful and kind for literally months. How are you incapable of grasping that?

I'm in the same position with my NDN OP. She has the neighbours waiting on her hand and foot as she 'doesn't need carers when my lovely neighbours can do it all'. She is absolutely loaded but won't fork out unless she has to.

Not only have you adopted the self-righteous stance, but you've gone one step further and actually wished ill on the women you don't agree with.

Let me fix that for you:

Not only have you adopted the humane stance, but you've gone one step further and actually wished ill on the women who don’t seem to have an ounce of compassion in their souls

[quote EarthSight]@Blossomtoes If you do caring things like this in your community, then bloody hats off to you. It's admirable although not right for everyone.

My 'problem' is that many people tell women in particular that unless they make themselves available as a source of free care in the community, that must mean they're uncaring, and usually go on to insinuate that those women are basically cold, unkind bitches.

Men do not get this. Nor they subject each other to this kind of behaviour.

Yet, strangely enough, there seems to be no shortage of self-righteous women telling other women how to be outstanding citizens and neighbours. Those exact same women (we seem to think of themselves as ethically superior), then quickly reveal who they really are inside which you have done beautifully by saying the following -

I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were

Not only have you adopted the self-righteous stance, but you've gone one step further and actually wished ill on the women you don't agree with.

This is why I rarely EVER listen to people like you when it comes to moral or ethical instruction. It is you who lack empathy and kindness. You are cut from the same cloth as the brigade on Twitter who tweet #BEKIND at people whilst managing to be more unpleasant than the people they're tweeting to.[/quote]
Brava! Well said!

I’ve been ‘the niece’ and well intentioned neighbours actually prevented us from getting a proper care package set up - people don’t like to admit they are not able to manage and so helping too much can simply allow the person to deny reality…..