Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

@EarthSight yes! Reminds me of my neighbour, a bloke young enough to be my son, who terrorised me for months, with extremely loud music, etc, damage to my garden. He even came round to threaten me through my window during lockdown when I messaged his wife politely to say the music was a little loud. But it was ok, cos he had a #BeKind banner on his profile pic on facebook. A lot of hypocrisy methinks.

Oh FGS now this thread has turned into a competition to see who is the kindest most Jesus - like NDN . Go and start your own thread, you two. You could have a proper quiz and everything to see which of you would sacrifice the most. Ultimately, the deal breaker will be whether or not you are prepared to lay down your life for the NDN or something similarly dumb-arsed

Anyway, Merry Christmas one and all. NDNs included however parasitic they may be.

@KaptainKaveman

Oh FGS now this thread has turned into a competition to see who is the kindest most Jesus - like NDN . Go and start your own thread, you two. You could have a proper quiz and everything to see which of you would sacrifice the most. Ultimately, the deal breaker will be whether or not you are prepared to lay down your life for the NDN or something similarly dumb-arsed

Anyway, Merry Christmas one and all. NDNs included however parasitic they may be.

Who’s the other one? As far as I can see I’m on my own here.

I was taken for a ride for years by our elderly (very wealthy) NDN. She could have afforded to pay for any amount of care but wouldn't.
Her son (also very wealthy) lived 200 miles away and would come to see her once a year. I remember ringing him to say she had fallen down the stairs and him saying, "sweetheart I know she Is safe in your care" and When she died he was up here every day though, clearing her house and sorting his estate.
I would advise you to just tell her to ring her family.

Fucking hell, this has taken a turn! Merry Christmas

If only we took care of the elderly the way we do children.

@logsonlogsoff

If only we took care of the elderly the way we do children.

Most people aren’t looking after other people’s children to this extent! Children are generally looked after by their parents and families and if recent news has shown us anything it’s that when their families aren’t caring for them there won’t necessarily be anybody else to step up and look out for them.

If children are identified as having nobody suitable to care for them then they will end up being under the care of social services, not a random neighbour. If this elderly lady can’t care for herself then she needs to seek out what social support she is entitled to and not expect her neighbours to do it.

Several people have suggested OP contact age concern and get them to provide help/support. Age UK as it now is doesn't work quite like this! In my experience they are overrun with needy lonely people, are mostly still only working online, and won't deal with neighbours. Plus, good luck getting 'independent' elderly people to seek help or companionship from strangers.

And gave our elderly the respect and kindness they deserve in their last years rather than seeing them as a burden to be passed into the authorities to deal with.
Leaving an elderly woman alone on Christmas Day while you have the room and means to have them over to lunch has to be one of the most heartless things I’ve heard of in a long time.

OP - what city/town are you in? Perhaps someone on MN would be able to have her over for Christmas Lunch.

Very difficult. I am in this situation with my 90 year old aunt. She is partially sighted and her husband died. She really relies on us now- rings every day about something or other, sometimes several times. I take her to medical appointments, out every week for a drive and lunch somewhere. She asks DH for help with things and he always helps but we are starting to struggle with it- we have become the people who can solve every problem.
I have found a club she can go to once a week- they collect her and take her home. She wasn't sure at first but she loves it- gets a two course lunch, they do activities- cards, musical things, exercise, quizzes, coffee and outings.It is run by a charity and they offer other support which she can pay for if she wants it- hair dresser, beauty therapy, back massage.
She has a cleaner once a week who is great for her- lives locally and is a good source of chat too.
She has a carer 6 days a week for half an hour to help her dress and shower.
It just breaks her time up and has taken a bit of the onus off us. She has made friends too.
Would she do any of these?

@logsonlogsoff

And gave our elderly the respect and kindness they deserve in their last years rather than seeing them as a burden to be passed into the authorities to deal with. Leaving an elderly woman alone on Christmas Day while you have the room and means to have them over to lunch has to be one of the most heartless things I’ve heard of in a long time.

I really don’t get this. Christmas Day is just a day. She had plans to go away and has chosen not to which would say to me she doesn’t mind not doing anything for it. I really don’t get the idea that we mustn’t leave anybody on their own on Christmas Day, but then there are plenty of other days of the year nobody cares about whether you’re alone or not. If you’re lonely you’re going to feel lovely regardless of whether somebody invites you to Christmas Day with you and if you feel loved you’re going to feel loved regardless of whether you are physically with your loved ones on Christmas Day.

Out of curiosity, how many elderly people have you sought to have in your home over Christmas? Because nobody I know has taken in an elderly person (or a homeless person, a refugee, a child in care etc; there are plenty of alone and lonely people who could do with some kindness, year around not just at Christmas). It’s easy to judge the OP just because this elderly person is on her doorstep but chances are there are elderly people across the UK in similar situations, how many people on this thread chastising the OP have actually reached into their own communities to find people who will be alone to invite around or help out? Or is this something that should only be expected of everyone else?

[quote EarthSight]@Blossomtoes If you do caring things like this in your community, then bloody hats off to you. It's admirable although not right for everyone.

My 'problem' is that many people tell women in particular that unless they make themselves available as a source of free care in the community, that must mean they're uncaring, and usually go on to insinuate that those women are basically cold, unkind bitches.

Men do not get this. Nor they subject each other to this kind of behaviour.

Yet, strangely enough, there seems to be no shortage of self-righteous women telling other women how to be outstanding citizens and neighbours. Those exact same women (we seem to think of themselves as ethically superior), then quickly reveal who they really are inside which you have done beautifully by saying the following -

I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were

Not only have you adopted the self-righteous stance, but you've gone one step further and actually wished ill on the women you don't agree with.

This is why I rarely EVER listen to people like you when it comes to moral or ethical instruction. It is you who lack empathy and kindness. You are cut from the same cloth as the brigade on Twitter who tweet #BEKIND at people whilst managing to be more unpleasant than the people they're tweeting to.[/quote]
100% agree with this. ^

@logsonlogsoff

And gave our elderly the respect and kindness they deserve in their last years rather than seeing them as a burden to be passed into the authorities to deal with. Leaving an elderly woman alone on Christmas Day while you have the room and means to have them over to lunch has to be one of the most heartless things I’ve heard of in a long time.

Logson, you lead a sheltered life...have you watched the news lately? I repeat, the elderly neighbour has a niece, why aren't you suggesting she is the 'heartless' one in this scenario? Or maybe the niece knows something we don't, and she isn't in fact the sweet elderly neighbour she presents as! We don't know. Nobody knows. But it is possible. My BFF has a mother that would have made Mother Theresa despair. She will however tell anyone who will listen what a dreadful daughter BFF is. She has been invited for Crimbo to BFF's, driven door to door, but that doesn't suit. I'm sure people may think the same about her at Crimbo. And we really looked after her in lockdown, as BFF isn't nearby. Now not so sweet elderly neighbour has taken against us, no idea why. BFF now knows that we would help in an absolute emergency, but won't be taking hour long phone calls from her where she by-passes me, asks for DH, and then talks about herself only and how cruel her very priveleged life is

Tbh I'd just move.

So OP, is your neighbour spending today alone?

For the love of Jesus and the wee donkey...

@logsonlogsoff

So OP, is your neighbour spending today alone?

How many of the needy are you hosting?

Did you not invite her logsonlogsoff? Why on earth not? That's pretty mean spirited of you if you didn't.

Logson is so obviously full of Christmas cheer, and not trying to guilt trip the OP at all

Move house.

Fall ill.

Fake COVID( only to her).

Any one of these. Lol I hope I'm joking.!

@Blossomtoes

Not only have you adopted the self-righteous stance, but you've gone one step further and actually wished ill on the women you don't agree with.

Let me fix that for you:

Not only have you adopted the humane stance, but you've gone one step further and actually wished ill on the women who don’t seem to have an ounce of compassion in their souls

Takes one to know one

My elderly Mother will tell anyone who'll listen how wonderful her neighbours are, leaving all and sundry with the impression that her adult dc do nothing.

Because she is such a narcissistic, bitter, and cruel person, very soon she may be telling the truth.

This year two of her adult dc have cut her off, another emigrated half way across the world, only leaving one left.

Not all people are nice or deserve help.

you never know she might leave you something in her will so keep helping her.