Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

I wouldn't assume she's being deliberately manipulative, but she's taking as much as she can because you haven't been saying no. Thank you for your kindness, many wouldn't do what you have. But a balance needs to be found.

You need to gradually pull back or give her the alternative options (gardener, taxi etc.) until it gets to a manageable level for you.

@Mischance

Can I put the other side of this?

I was widowed last year and have some long-standing mobility and balance problems, following an accident and a failed hip replacement. So, here I am, living on my own for the first time in my life; and I have just moved to a new-build semi. There are 7 houses in this little development.

Several of my neighbours, including the attached neighbours, have been very kind - they are a young couple in their first home. He mowed my lawn on one occasion - I think he could not bear to watch me struggling! In fact I quite enjoy doing it!

There are lots of things that are now a struggle for me: hanging curtains, some aspects of housework, gardening etc. And I have been used to having a tech-obsessed OH with me - I am by no means a tech virgin as I used it all for work and am pretty competent - but my OH's electronic and other tech kit is very complicated indeed as he did not go in for bog-standard stuff!

Do I bother friends, family, neighbours with these things? Or do I just soldier on without these things being done? I know that if I asked then people would help - but I am loth to do this, as I already ready feel like a spare part in the coupled up world. It is a tough place to be and gets me down greatly. I am still adjusting to being on my own and to the inevitable grief - it is bloody tough - and I do not want to be a nuisance to others.

If you were my neighbour/family member what would you want me to do?

With the greatest of respect the fact that I bought a house next to you (hypothetically) doesn’t make me obliged to continually assist you. It’s does to your family! If you need more help than look at retirement homes etc.

All those saying contact age U.K. or the priest- how about leave OP and her husband to their own lives. I barely have enough time to run my own errands let alone someone else’s.

I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? wow no! It’s a sign she is both grateful and anxious.

Go and see the vicar of her church and explain. Most churches have a volunteer group. Is she losing touch with her church friends? Maybe some people can pick her up and take her to church and also help with befreinding, shopping and household DIY.

Tell her your husband has been told to take take things easy and he has to get some rest and not do so much. A little white lie won't hurt.

You sound such a lovely kind person OP.

Just say your circumstances have changed, you can’t support as much. She can employ cleaners and gardeners, are there any local charities that could take over helping her with stuff? We have a couple in our area

You sound kind but you've given an inch and she's taken miles.
If she doesn't have family she needs care.
Just say no from now on.

You are going too far with your help!

I have an elderly mother - much older than your neighbour - living miles away.

I do her online food shopping and also anything else she needs.
If returns are hard, I've even printed off return labels and posted them to her and arranged courier collection online.

HER OWN FAMILY NEEDS TO DO THIS.

My mum has a list of handymen, gardeners, decorators, and a local taxi service.

Yes, she has good neighbours, but they pick up the slack if me or my sister (who lives closer to her) can't manage.

Doing your neighbour's decorating etc is really daft- far beyond being neighbourly.

You have really dug a hole for yourselves.

I'd try having a chat with her and making it clear just what you can do, on the basis of your DH needs time to enjoy his retirement (I'm assuming he is close to 70 if he's been retired a while.)

I'd also, if it was possible, talk to her family or get her to, so they step up a bit more.

The other thing, OP, is if she cannot manage by 'buying in' help, then her family needs to raise the issue of her moving closer to them, perhaps.

It's a bit shocking to think you are doing all of this for her and her own family are either ignorant of it, or unwilling to help out.

She clearly isn't ill or disabled, and 80 is not that old for many women now. My Mums friends of that age are driving and looking after older neighbours!

@Mischance

Can I put the other side of this?

I was widowed last year and have some long-standing mobility and balance problems, following an accident and a failed hip replacement. So, here I am, living on my own for the first time in my life; and I have just moved to a new-build semi. There are 7 houses in this little development.

Several of my neighbours, including the attached neighbours, have been very kind - they are a young couple in their first home. He mowed my lawn on one occasion - I think he could not bear to watch me struggling! In fact I quite enjoy doing it!

There are lots of things that are now a struggle for me: hanging curtains, some aspects of housework, gardening etc. And I have been used to having a tech-obsessed OH with me - I am by no means a tech virgin as I used it all for work and am pretty competent - but my OH's electronic and other tech kit is very complicated indeed as he did not go in for bog-standard stuff!

Do I bother friends, family, neighbours with these things? Or do I just soldier on without these things being done? I know that if I asked then people would help - but I am loth to do this, as I already ready feel like a spare part in the coupled up world. It is a tough place to be and gets me down greatly. I am still adjusting to being on my own and to the inevitable grief - it is bloody tough - and I do not want to be a nuisance to others.

If you were my neighbour/family member what would you want me to do?

I'm sorry for your loss, Mischance. Don't soldier on alone. Just sprinkle your requests for favours around lightly and find a great local handy person & tech guy/woman. Also Google tech problems and you'll often find it has been asked and addressed on a forum before. We had a very elderly neighbour until he moved recently who needed the odd favour & we were always happy to help him, god knows we'll be there soon enough ourselves. He asked various people in the street so we never felt like he depended on us. Good luck, I hope everything feels less daunting soon.

It's called being a good neighbour.
Most communities were like this, but now people don't want to get involve, it's really sad. You have both been very kind, please carry on. This lady is probably anxious on becoming so vulnerable , even if she doesn't show it. We all need each other at some point.

Could you still help her a bit but reduce it, for instance if she needs you to return things say that you will do it once a month? You sound like nice people and she is probably not manipulative just lonely and needy.

My Aunt was like this , althoughshe now lives with me. Always talked about great neighbours . She had the man come in to change lightbulbs, plug stuff in despite the fact that she was visited daily .No idea that it might not be easy for an older man to get up a ladder for anything.
It is one thing to do an odd favour, but organising DIY , decorating , online shopping and GP visits are way above the normal level. Only time your husband should do this is in an emergency .

Unfortunately , it is hard to say this to her , especially once people like yourselves. But I had to tell Aunt that going to Post Offices , shopping, etc. is now SO much more difficult with Covid rules . Husband will have to say that he us finding the working too rich and has to take it easy. And if she read OK , she can ask her family to get decorators, Taxi , gardener details for her. Online shopping is her problem, she will continue to do it if it is not her that has to take stuff back.

You dont have to feel guilty, it is not like she has no other options to get help . She can afford to pay for anything she needs and she should call her family for advice .

• once - nice people!
• rich - too much !

You need to invent some heart palpitations for your husband.

Pronto.

It's called being a good neighbour.
Most communities were like this, but now people don't want to get involve, it's really sad. You have both been very kind, please carry on. This lady is probably anxious on becoming so vulnerable , even if she doesn't show it. We all need each other at some point.

There are limits. Some people do take advantage. Some unintentionally. Others because they don't want to pay for help when they have the means to do so. It is perfectly fine, in fact necessary to draw boundaries.

My family became involved with a neighbour who pretty much forced himself upon them. He doesn't believe in paying for anything he can get for free even at someone else's expense. They helped out and twenty years later one particular member is still deeply involved in his care even though they'd rather not be. They feel it's too late to abandon them now. I'd definitely be drawing some boundaries before I let that happen again.

@Rubyupbeat

It's called being a good neighbour. Most communities were like this, but now people don't want to get involve, it's really sad. You have both been very kind, please carry on. This lady is probably anxious on becoming so vulnerable , even if she doesn't show it. We all need each other at some point.

There are services the woman can avail of and pay for if she needs work done around the house, cleaning, lifts to appointments. Op and her Dh should not just carry on being unpaid help for this woman or anyone else. She's completely taking the piss at this stage.

@Rubyupbeat

It's called being a good neighbour. Most communities were like this, but now people don't want to get involve, it's really sad. You have both been very kind, please carry on. This lady is probably anxious on becoming so vulnerable , even if she doesn't show it. We all need each other at some point.

Soooooo I presume you do jobs 365 days a year for your neighbours?

Oh gosh, OP, I feel so sorry for you with this. You and your husband sound such kind people but it sounds like it's built up and up to a ridiculous level.

I looked after my elderly parents, and I just could not go through this with someone else who is just a neighbour. Not a relative. Not a friend.

I don't agree with the PP saying just carry on. Why should they when her DH who is older can't even enjoy his own retirement because he's busy looking after a neighbour.

All I know is... if I was in the position of the elderly neighbour, I just could not put on people like she is doing. I would spend my last penny to ensure I wasn't taking advantage of anyone. Which is what she is doing.

Mischance it must be very difficult for you, and from what you've said it's obvious you are very aware not to put on people too much.

I do have to add before I come across as stone-hearted. I did shopping for months and months for an elderly couple near me during lockdown, and then managed to get them regular deliveries. I do help others! And I am involved in Age UK.

Not sure if it's been mentioned on here, but can you suggest to the neighbour to contact Age UK OP?

I was doing loads for my extremely elderly neighbour ( she is 101 now) to the extent that I even did all her washing and ironing for almost a year- she has never had a washing machine .

Initally we lived about 3 doors down from her and then we moved a few streets away about 6 years ago. It came to a head when her grandaughter, who lives 3 hours away, rang me to ask if I would check on her one evening as they weren't able to get in touch. I went round and she'd collapsed. I called the ambulance, waited, went up to the hospital with her, waited again, then visited every day while she was in. Her family went once (she was in for two weeks).

When she came out I was doing loads for her but I couldn't cope in the end and had to tell her I couldn't manage it which annoyed her. I was doing all her laundry and ironing! so as a way of helping, I found a local laundry service, spoke to them and made sure they collected/dropped in her postcode. I emailed all the info to her granddaughter who never even acknowledged receipt of the email, let alone said thank you. They engaged the laundry company though, so clearly she'd read the email.

Throughout the entire Covid-19 situation she was totally isolated, no family visits, no bubble, nothing. Her family basically abandoned her.

I see the old lady a bit now but just can't face getting sucked in again -
she is a really sad, lonely woman who should have been properly looked after by her family and moved into sheltered housing or similar years ago. As it is she is completely housebound, disabled, will only have a carer for one hour a week and gets a family member visiting about once a month if she's lucky. They haven't even thought to instal a portable handset for her telephone or a stairlift. She has had several falls and I fully expect and predict that ultimately she will have another fall which will lead to her death.
It's so hard to see all this and know her family are ok with it. She won't hear a word against them though. She is forever telling me they are 'so busy'.

It's not your job, OP - it really isn't. Please disengage for your own sanity.

I think it's great to be a good neighbour, but if you started to feel overwhelmed by it, it's not ok. I think you need to back off a bit and say no when it's affecting your life. Do things you can, but need a courage to say no when you need to.

Tell her you would like to speak to her family about her seemingly increasing care needs so they can arrange some help for her. Or offer to ask SS to come and do an assessment to see if they can help. Give her comfortable bubble a rattle. Then repeat yourself each time she asks. Then insist as it's concerning she's relying on you for help so much.

Can I just add that these issues can be quite complex to sort - and I totally agree with others that you need to step back!

I think when people are elderly (80+) for many people their world becomes smaller, and confidence drops. They then behave in ways that are quite self-centred, but don't always see it.

I have changed a few details here but my situation is that my elderly parent has one conversation with me (I live some way away) and another with her friends. e.g. a few weekends ago they thought they needed to see the out of hours GP. I offered to drive them if necessary, however they phoned a friend anyway. I have both offered and found them a taxi service to use, but they don't want to be driven by someone they don't know. Not about money at all in this case.

Our issues at the moment are all about lifts and driving (garden, shopping and house etc we have sorted), but it is getting more and more difficult by the week. And yes we have talked to them about not relying on friends and neighbours, but it is as if it goes in one ear and out the other.....When I talk about it (which I do) they say that the friend is happy to help....

It is a very difficult situation all round. I certainly don't expect neighbours to step in, but I suspect my elderly parent doesn't see it as a problem no matter how many times we discuss it.

Where are her family? Next time they are round speak to them and say they need to get social services involved because you can't help as much as she needs . I did this for an elderly neighbour . I don't mind keeping an eye out but I have my own mum I was seeing less !

It’s difficult isn’t it, perhaps she is using these opportunities for company etc, so the befriending service suggested would be an excellent idea.

But I totally agree, too much to ask from a neighbour.

I would happily help my neighbours as a one off situation but I wouldn’t be able to commit to this level of support as I am disabled myself.

An example of how this can escalate:

My Mum started off doing the odd bit of shopping for an elderly lady if she wasn't well or in the winter when the pavements were slippery. The lady went into hospital a few years later, Mum was putting hot water bottles in her bed so it was aired for her return home. We used to have the elderly lady with us for Christmas Day, every year and a Christmas cake was made for her. There were tantrums if the cake wasn't given to her early in December and even bigger tantrums when the family had the audacity to go away for Christmas. This lady did not have a fridge let alone electricity so wanted shopping done for her every day as the years went on. She had no phone so expected us to make all her calls for her. Mum drove her to all the hospital appointments and when she had cataracts went down three times a day to put her drops in her eye. My Mum ended up walking down the road to make the elderly woman tea in the morning and at night. SS were not interested as Mum and another neighbour were taking care of everything. The lady finally went into hospital and sadly died. Strangely only then did her two nephews and nearest relatives appear to see how much money she had left.

Don't get in this position!