Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

The main issue I think is you and your husband believing in yourselves that you would not be selfish and unhelpful if you stopped this help.

Hopefully enough people have replied to the thread with the opinion that the whole thing is madness! Me included.

I definitely would not advise just no longer being available as that is cruel. I would do as others have suggested:

decide what you are happy to do for her (and please make this tiny because you obviously have strange ideas about what is ok )

Tell her! Have a chat where you let her know that you are no longer able to do so much for her. If you don't mind lying or bending the truth you could say that your husband has got a new health condition and has to be careful.

Be clear! Tell her what you can do and let her know that you cannot do any more than that.

But as others have said, perhaps point her to other people who can help her. Age Concern or whoever. But do not then get embroiled with organising the new help too much!!

Every time you feel bad about it, just think of your poor husband! And yourself! You are important too .

My mum is like this its got worse. Im glad I work.. errands just kept mounting. Maybe suggest she outsources some. My husband is retired we not always free in the week. Be more direct. I had put boundaries in or phone would go day and night here.

@namechangedForthus

Write her a list with numbers in for cleaner, gardener, taxi firms etc etc

Age U.K. may do a befriending service

If all else fails change your number and don’t answer the door to her

This is the best option. Tell her you and Dh are no longer available to help out so much - no need to give reasons but I'd be honest and tell her it's taking up too much of your/Dh time. Tell her she needs to start looking for a gardener/cleaner, use a taxi for appointments or maybe there is a patient driving service in the area. In any case tell her as of this weekend you and Dh are not available. Let her family, from wherever they are, sort it out if she claims she can't organise a cleaner etc. You have been too kind and she's simply taking advantage now.

An elderly formerly independent woman would easily be able to change the batteries in the remote

Only if she realises that’s why it isn’t working. I made a 30 mile round trip for exactly that purpose when my highly intelligent, fiercely independent dad just reported that the TV wasn’t working.

then perhaps contact the church she used to attend - local volunteer groups to call in on her

She probably has never been a church goer. Very few people are these days.

If she has a family it’s time for them to step up. The suggestion to get contact numbers in case of emergency is a good one, then they need to know this is getting too much.

There needs to be an honest discussion with her about what you will and won’t do - like help her source a regular gardener and then step back. If her demands are because she’s lonely, could you arrange to visit for a regular hour once or twice a week so she has something to look forward to?

Can I put the other side of this?

I was widowed last year and have some long-standing mobility and balance problems, following an accident and a failed hip replacement. So, here I am, living on my own for the first time in my life; and I have just moved to a new-build semi. There are 7 houses in this little development.

Several of my neighbours, including the attached neighbours, have been very kind - they are a young couple in their first home. He mowed my lawn on one occasion - I think he could not bear to watch me struggling! In fact I quite enjoy doing it!

There are lots of things that are now a struggle for me: hanging curtains, some aspects of housework, gardening etc. And I have been used to having a tech-obsessed OH with me - I am by no means a tech virgin as I used it all for work and am pretty competent - but my OH's electronic and other tech kit is very complicated indeed as he did not go in for bog-standard stuff!

Do I bother friends, family, neighbours with these things? Or do I just soldier on without these things being done? I know that if I asked then people would help - but I am loth to do this, as I already ready feel like a spare part in the coupled up world. It is a tough place to be and gets me down greatly. I am still adjusting to being on my own and to the inevitable grief - it is bloody tough - and I do not want to be a nuisance to others.

If you were my neighbour/family member what would you want me to do?

An elderly formerly independent woman would easily be able to change the batteries in the remote

Only if she realises that’s why it isn’t working. I made a 30 mile round trip for exactly that purpose when my highly intelligent, fiercely independent dad just reported that the TV wasn’t working

And if she still has the manual dexterity to do this.

As others have said, she is old and getting frail. She probably genuinely is unable to do a lot of things. She is probably also lonely.
You sound like you are her only human person to person contact.
If its too much, set limits on what you can do and help her to outsource other help. But if she is lonely, which will not be the sort of loneliness you may have experienced but much, much worse, then perhaps spending 15 mins a day with her when she is retired isn't too much and may be something you would appreciate in widowed friail old age?

If you were my neighbour/family member what would you want me to do?

I’d want you to ask and would be happy to help. I’d also advise you to get rid of the niche tech and replace it with stuff that’s suited to your needs!

when she is retired

That should have said when you are retired

Blossomtoes I take your point about the TV remote, but in her original post she mentions her elderly neighbour used to have her friends from church - hence my suggestion.

@Mischance

Can I put the other side of this?

I was widowed last year and have some long-standing mobility and balance problems, following an accident and a failed hip replacement. So, here I am, living on my own for the first time in my life; and I have just moved to a new-build semi. There are 7 houses in this little development.

Several of my neighbours, including the attached neighbours, have been very kind - they are a young couple in their first home. He mowed my lawn on one occasion - I think he could not bear to watch me struggling! In fact I quite enjoy doing it!

There are lots of things that are now a struggle for me: hanging curtains, some aspects of housework, gardening etc. And I have been used to having a tech-obsessed OH with me - I am by no means a tech virgin as I used it all for work and am pretty competent - but my OH's electronic and other tech kit is very complicated indeed as he did not go in for bog-standard stuff!

Do I bother friends, family, neighbours with these things? Or do I just soldier on without these things being done? I know that if I asked then people would help - but I am loth to do this, as I already ready feel like a spare part in the coupled up world. It is a tough place to be and gets me down greatly. I am still adjusting to being on my own and to the inevitable grief - it is bloody tough - and I do not want to be a nuisance to others.

If you were my neighbour/family member what would you want me to do?

Sorry to hear you have been recently widowed. You are still navigating a new world where you have to figure things out on your own, and of course that is tough. As for what you should do, you should ask around for a local tradesperson to help with odd jobs. My mother lived a distance away and she had a plumber, a painter, a cleaner, an odd job man. She never needed to rely on neighbours or even family. She paid for these services as and when they needed them.

Perhaps instead of just doing things for her you could say 'I'll show you how to do it so you know for next time' or 'I'll give you his number so you know you can contact him (tradesperson) next time you need something'.

You could help her (and yourselves) by going through a list of things that need doing and working out together what you can outsource. I'd be honest with her that it's gotten too much for you but that you're happy to work together on a solution

I was going to suggest the same, although it'll probably turn in to "not wanting people she doesn't know" in the house and "you're the only ones I feel I can trust"

Nevertheless it's the right thing to do and will sooner or later have to be done - otherwise, in time, OP/DH will find themselves expected to do all the personal care too

And that's before we get into the mare's nest of a possible hospital stay for the neighbour, when she's assessed and tells Social Services that "her neighbours help her with everything"

Take a step back. I’ve had to do this with my neighbour- and I wasn’t doing as much as you are! Although much of what I helped with was due to her health being poor. She refused any help from organisations offering help to her, so myself and another friend have had to take a step back to enable her to see that she does indeed need that help that agencies can give.

She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments

Her family can do this remotely. They can also do her online shopping (she will just have to keep stuff rather than change it).

Her family can organise her DIY. General handy men exist.

I would try to limit my role to popping around for a cup of tea for 15 mins a day, helping with anything immediate that needed someone there to do and could not sourced out to a tradesman.

Personally, I would make my role one of social support. That's what she really needs from you. She does not need you to do her decorating.

In your opening post you mention that she did things with the local church. Contacting the church she goes to and explaining the how difficult the situation is getting might help, they often have good local community support that they can access.

@Mischance

Can I put the other side of this?

I was widowed last year and have some long-standing mobility and balance problems, following an accident and a failed hip replacement. So, here I am, living on my own for the first time in my life; and I have just moved to a new-build semi. There are 7 houses in this little development.

Several of my neighbours, including the attached neighbours, have been very kind - they are a young couple in their first home. He mowed my lawn on one occasion - I think he could not bear to watch me struggling! In fact I quite enjoy doing it!

There are lots of things that are now a struggle for me: hanging curtains, some aspects of housework, gardening etc. And I have been used to having a tech-obsessed OH with me - I am by no means a tech virgin as I used it all for work and am pretty competent - but my OH's electronic and other tech kit is very complicated indeed as he did not go in for bog-standard stuff!

Do I bother friends, family, neighbours with these things? Or do I just soldier on without these things being done? I know that if I asked then people would help - but I am loth to do this, as I already ready feel like a spare part in the coupled up world. It is a tough place to be and gets me down greatly. I am still adjusting to being on my own and to the inevitable grief - it is bloody tough - and I do not want to be a nuisance to others.

If you were my neighbour/family member what would you want me to do?

Do what i do....go on social media and ask folk to reccommend odd job folk.

Before you start saying no research some options as alternatives such as paid help or charity work. My cleaner does extra bits for me (she is happy to do it and I pay her for it) like send returns back etc etc. Transport for hospital appts can also be arranged.

I do thinknthat you and your husband have taken on too much - Im sure it was all meant well but you have made a rod for your own back here.

By all means a bit of shopping when you are going anyway, or help with something like her remote batteriee or a lightbulb, even an occasional lift to somewhere but organising her quotes for tradesmen, cleaning, diy etc are all way over the top!! You need to start saying no!!

My FIL has dementia and knocks on his neighbours doors frequently, now he’s doing it in his PJ’s at all hours.
SS are aware but won’t force him into a home. We’ve asked the neighbours to complain to SS on our behalf, to help put him in a home where he would be safer.
The reason I am saying this is because I can see what is going to happen. You need to put a stop to it now.
If you’re concerned about her, refer her to SS for an assessment.

You need to do something. My wonderful neighbours found themselves sitting next to dying elderly other neighbour because her son "couldn't come now as he was just going to the theatre".
He then had the nerve to ask them to sort out house clearance and show people round "
It's the first time I ever heard them swear

First decide what your boundaries are. Be specific. Then explain to neighbour.

Don't let it build up and up and then end in a big stressful situation you could avoid.

My street has a whatsapp group which is brilliant, people can ask for help without bothering any one specific person. Its good to have a community to support each other. And I ask things that the elderly people can help me with so its two way. Gardening advice mainly.

Does she have family of her own?

She is unlikely to be being deliberately manipulative, but out of loneliness or tbh boredom she may be looking for things that don't really need doing in order to ask you to help her... Phrased like that it sounds manipulative but that won't be how she sees it and it's likely to be innocently intended...

I know people who do this - lovely, charming people who are rather self involved and can't or choose not to imagine that other people have their own lives and asking for help you genuinely need is different from creating unnecessary scenarios in which to ask for help because you rather like the attention... The decorating and over ordering items online which inevitably need returning are suggestive of creating busy work for you tbh - she possibly also rather enjoys having the tradesmen you've organised for her in too - its all human contact and things going on, and being the one commissioning work and having your wishes carried out and being deferred to can be a pleasing role if you've plenty of time and money.

I'd stop being do friendly and tell her that you've got a lot on atm and can't help with projects. I'd be clear you're happy to be an emergency contact but ask her to book taxis to scheduled appointments and be generally unavailable for anything not an emergency. She might be quite upset - it probably hasn't occurred to her you don't actually like helping as much as she likes being helped and are only doing it out of kindness/ obligation.

When my FIL was widowed he would ring my house then ring off. We would then have to phone him back. It was very manipulative.
Having elderly parents and FIL now I find them very manipulative.

Definitely move!